I had an ache in my shoulders this morning and it’s got worse as the day has gone on. One side is always aching, but today the other side is hurting too, and my neck is very sore. I don’t know if I’m ill, or tense, or if it’s caused by anxiety. The drawing was done a few years ago in photoshop.
There’s people I need to speak to, but as the days go on I get less likely to reach out. Its like I’m encapsulating myself against the whole world. Retreating into myself, hiding away? So nothing else can hurt me. Keeping busy where I have to, but really all I want is to put my head under the covers and escape from the world. Self protection, I hope it’s not selfishness. I don’t know if I will feel better soon. Am I being lazy? No, definitely not. Just torn apart.
Gives you rest
Helps you to
Win the test
And gives us ease
It’s good to seize.
Or at least defends
Against a world
Which worry sends.
Sleep is good
And makes a life
Despite all strife.
A month of tonsillitis has knocked me sideways, it’s making my ears whoosh! I am sort of over it but it keeps coming back. I’m trying to ignore it. I think I’m just run down from stress from worry because of covid19. I think it’s just a matter of time before I get over it, but I’m tense and it weighs on me. I’m not the most traveled person in the world, but when you’re not allowed to go to places like visiting relatives. Then it’s hard to feel happy. Oh well. Another day done, another day closer to the end of this damn pandemic I suppose.
I don’t put up pictures of myself very often. Why would you want to see me? I only had five hours sleep. I have pulled something in my arm, I think it’s a trapped nerve in my neck and I keep ending up in pain when I lie down. So if you will forgive me here I am. I’m tired and grumpy. I hope to get an appointment with a physio soon but there are not many appointments. I think I have what I’m calling lock down neck. My shoulders are constantly tense, tight and painful. I do feel like I have the weight of the world on my shoulders. Oh well….
A stitch in time saves nine,
Don’t put off till tomorrow what you can do today.
Am I depressed? I have things to do, and I keep putting them off. Watching TV, doing other things, like painting. I need to call the builder because I’ve found a crack in our front wall. I need to finish an assignment, I need to look after myself, I need to regain some calmness and relax.
Part of it is lack of sleep. Staying up late, one more blog, TV show, book to read. I’m not being organised. Maybe I can sort things out.
What to do. Don’t stay up till 1am. Or later.. Much later.. Oh hell!
Too many nights have turned into day while I’ve been mooching about. The little twitches of my mind as I listen to pings from my phone. How did I ever get so addicted to a phone!
I’m going to keep my distance and still wear a mask.
The latest in the UK is that from Monday six people can gather in a garden as long as they keep two meters distance. You can even use the bathroom as long as you thoroughly clean the toilet and wash your hands.
So that will be everyone running round looking for barbecue charcoal and burgers. Buying beer. Drinking, hugging, having a laugh. It’s already happening near us. A closed public house has people meeting in their beer garden. Hidden behind a fence, but you can hear four or five people laughing and joking. No I’m not against fun! Please don’t think that. But there are a lot of vulnerable people about…
One, asymptomatic or presymptomatic person meets five friends, they share a beer or three. The next day he visits his mate and the mates elderly parents in their garden. Then he pops down to the shop for some food for tomorrow’s barbie. He doesn’t bother about keeping apart, he’s relaxed because he’s been able to meet friends and relatives, different people on each day.
Barbecue day arrives, the sun is shining, but our friend feels under the weather. He’s got a bit of a fever and a dry cough. His partner is cooking breakfast but he can’t smell it. He decides to dial 111 (our health telephone line), and is told to book a test. He needs to drive himself to the test center, which is forty miles away, or they will post him a kit out. Eventually it arrives, but he’s too ill, his partner has started feeling under the weather and they are worried about their parents.
Track and Trace can’t find out all the contacts because of the number of people involved.
So I’m keeping a distance and wearing a mask. It may not be much of a defence.
The weight of the world,
making me creak,
making me break,
making me crumble and quake.
Pushing me down,
pushing me under,
finding a crack,
break me asunder.
Restricted and tight,
no room for movement,
shoulders so stiff,
I want to surrender.
Sleep is my safety,
sleep is my friend,
but like a lost child,
I cannot find peace.
Dreams do not come,
only a blackness,
to tired to think,
curled on my mattress.
One day I’ll wake,
free from this tension,
or I’ll be gone,
A forty year old photo of a river I took when I was young.
It reminded me to calm down, try and relax, maybe ignore the news for a couple of days and get some rest.
I’ve also had to leave some of the emails I get. I can’t keep up with all the notifications of news. I want to read everyone’s posts, but I have responsibilities that I need to take care of. Even in this mad situation you still have to cope.
So anyway. I hope everyone is doing OK. It’s hard to think of people stuck in their homes. Not allowed out. In lockdown. I imagined that the world was linked and that people would feel each others pain or loneliness. But of course that isn’t true. Otherwise when people in different countries went through famine or disease we would know and help them… But sadly it doesn’t work like that.