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I feel like I’m waiting
Watching out
For something to happen
A buzzing, fizzing, aching
Feeling unable to settle
Like the house will fall down
Or a comet will hit
Fires will strike
Things will crash
So I sit
Nerves twisting my gut
Agony and anxiety
Catastrophising
Waiting for my jenga life
To fall..
Procrastinating
I keep forgetting to post here. I’ve got so much to do.. Forms to complete, meetings to go to, appointments to keep. I sign up for things to keep myself occupied but without transport everything is taking longer to get to. And I have been so behind with stuff. I really need to get my skates on and sort myself out. But I’m getting tired and staying in more. It’s so hard to get organised.
Prevarication doesn’t help, I look at things and worry, and stick my head under the duvet and try to hide and sleep!
My day has been spent shut inside the house. Not wanting to go out, shaky and achy. My feet are cramping, my hands tremble and twist tightly. I started doomscrolling which was a mistake. I also wanted to keep out of the heat and humidity.
This is the reality of a bad day of Parkinsons. Quiet, just mooching, worrying, thinking about the future. Things I can’t do. Fears of what I need to be careful about.
I need to put washing on the line, I really need shopping. But I had trouble washing my hair. I’m not supposed to get water in my eye because of the surgery, but leaning backwards in the shower feels very unsteady.
Reading about other people’s problems makes me realise how much people have to put up with. Life isn’t always easy.
BUT my Cat just jumped on my lap. She’s happy and purring… Not so bad then..
No WordPress free images, not that sort!
I am due in surgery tomorrow so I was going to tidy up and remove trip hazards. But that was before one of my cats decided to be ill. I spent a lot of this morning trying to entice him into his pet carrier. In the end I had to scoop him into it. I didn’t know what was wrong with him but he was breathing fast. It wasn’t right so I took him to the vets.
It turns out he might have heart failure, so he’s now on tablets for the rest of his life. I don’t know what I’ll do if passes away, but at least I found out in time.
So anyway the operation is tomorrow.
I’ve done nothing to get organised, just been napping this afternoon. I will have to get up early tomorrow. But I feel relieved that my cat will be OK. How I will get the tablets in him while I am recuperating? I don’t know.
My Cat started breathing fast this evening. I’d taken him to the vets yesterday and he was fine. They gave him some meds but I don’t think this is anything to do with this. I think he might have a fur ball. He sounded a bit wheezy before his breathing changed. After about an hour things have settled down and he is sleeping.
I rang the vets office anyway and they said they would call me back. I dare not drive to the emergency vets because of my Parkinsons and cataracts. They are on the other side of the city and I don’t want to put him or me at risk. So I’ll stay up with him and take him down my local vets in the morning.
It’s frightening when you live on your own and things go wrong. If I can’t rely on myself I’m in trouble. Age and the aging process is a pain.
My garden is overgrown, particularly the front hedge which is trees and bushes. The local council has sent me a warning letter to get it cut back in 14 days. But I’m physically not capable of doing it, I’m on a low income and my garden is a haven for birds, squirrels, sometimes hedgehogs and bats. I’m going to try and get it done, but will have to rely on friends as my hubby died 18 months ago.
What is worse is I struggle with anxiety and having a letter addressed to the both of us really upset me. I found myself crying on the phone to a council worker. It makes me feel like my heart is breaking. I just wish hubby was still here. Meanwhile I will try and plead for some more time.
Last night I thought I heard movement in the garden, a bit of noise, something rattled. I didn’t know what to do so I opened the back door. I think the noise was coming from a neighbouring property but just to be on the safe side I made a noise to make them aware someone had noticed. Then I did something strange. My phone was on charge but I pretended I was speaking to the police! I had a one sided conversation and left gaps as if I was listening to their response. It went something like this…..
Hello
Police please?
Hello, I’m ringing from…..
I can hear movement and think there is someone in my garden.
Yes it’s been happening for a few minutes.
You’ve got someone in the area?
Thank you
Ten minutes? I’ll lock the door and wait..
It was a bit like improvised acting. I don’t know why I did it. I wasn’t going to go outside, and I wanted to make anyone out there aware they might be caught. I feel a bit daft now. Was I right to do it?
I think a lot about life and death these days. If I don’t hear from people I worry about them. This morning my cat was so fast asleep he was barely breathing. I didn’t want to disturb him, but he is getting old so I gently blew on his ear. It twitched and I was overjoyed. He was fine and woke a few minutes later.
My sister says she might come and live with me if my health gets worse. But somehow I want to reject that. I’m not ready for a last chapter of my book. There has been too much loss lately. I just want that to stop. To enjoy life for a change. Slough off my sorrows and come back fighting. I can’t keep my sadness and worry going, it’s too exhausting. I know I need to “memento mori”, a Latin phrase, which translates to “remember that you must die” in English. It’s a reminder of mortality and the fleeting nature of life. The phrase can be used for a work of art. I think that was what my little painting was about.
On Tuesday night I got trapped in my car. I booked it in a garage to try and get it fixed. The mechanic came and took the car this morning but came back in less than an hour. They said the lock and window are now working. They think the window lock button might have got knocked accidentally? Also the door opens now? I hope it’s just reset itself, but it makes me nervous, I might have to try and visit friends and make sure they are in if I visit. I will also have my phone at the front of the car so I can get to it straight away. If I decide to drive myself to the shops I might need someone to let me out!
Where’s he gone? I’ve whistled and shouted him. He was around this morning. He’s probably asleep somewhere. I’ll have to put some food out for him and the other two… Or get some catnip out to attract him. I’m getting worried but I think it’ll be OK. It’s just that feeling of missing something, a silence when you expect noise. I don’t want to lose anything else at the moment. I haven’t heard from a friend recently and I get the same feeling. I’m over thinking probably. Easy to let things get to me. But I don’t want a prodigal cat. X
Mallaband-Brown