Tag: Anxiety

Not knowing

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What makes you most anxious?

The world I’d bleak and I don’t know what to say or think. Words and thoughts churn round in my head. I feel anxiety about not getting something right, something I should have done months ago that could have massive consequences now or in the future.

Because I was focused on myself I didn’t see other people or a person who might have needed my help. It’s six months and the Earth has travelled half way around the Sun. That’s 186,000,000 miles. And now I’ve only just realised I should have been there for someone 186 Million miles ago! I feel idiotic, I feel great anxiety that I will not be forgiven. I feel I have lost a chance where I could have been of help…..

Even now, writing this, it seems a trivial response, too self serving, am I writing something that will help, or to just try and exonerate myself. Guilt and anxiety, mixed emotions and sadness…

Jetpack installed!

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Installing jetpack was OK but sorting my phone storage out first was the problem. I felt like I was launching my phone at the moon, without a rocket to take it. I knew I would need to free up space as currently my phone is 85% full. But what to uninstall? Which apps are crucial to my phone running properly and which could I delete? I randomly chose a few I rarely use. I still need to upgrade my memory but my phone shop didn’t have the right chip in and needs to order them in. So my dilemma (and I was catastrophising I think) was would things work after I did it. Well clearly it did, but jetpack took a while to install, probably due to the amount of data it had to bring over.

Well I’ve done it. I don’t like the look of it. That’s just because I’m used to the old site. I felt sad uninstalling WordPress, it feels like I have cut ties with it. It’s strange how you become invested in something so ephemeral as a computer app. I hope I get used to this. X

Back to craft fairs?

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I have tentatively put my name down for a couple of craft fairs later in the year. It’s taken a while because I’m still concerned about covid and being in crowds. I’m trying to lower my anxiety levels. I went to an outside event at the weekend but still put a mask on when I went inside. As the craft fairs will be inside buildings I will be very aware of the situation. I’m still not going into my Studio at Spode and I think it’s the same thing. My shaking arm appears to be caused by anxiety (I do feel very tense), I might be getting some help, I’ve got to find out what’s available but hopefully I will be able to get back to normal eventually.

Talking to people?

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I love painting but I find it hard to sell. My mind sometimes goes into panic mode and I say strange things instead of pleasantries. I can hear my voice coming out with odd comments, about someone’s walking stick, or immesaying I will discount the price of a print when they have barely looked at it. Today was odd and difficult. It’s been a long time since I have had to talk to people about my art. I was not fluent with my thoughts. I was nervous, sometimes tounge tied. As the number of people increased it got worse. My throat got dry. I wanted to talk but I just stayed silent. It was better towards the end, but I’m an artist not a saleswoman. Anxiety and covid make it harder.

Nerves

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Its almost time to submit my final major project but I’ve become very nervous about it. Such a lot rides on how I do. I’m already suffering from insomnia but this is just making it worse. I’m wondering why I can’t sleep, but I guess it’s thoughts like “have I got enough images?” “what if I forget to include?” “how do I create?” Don’t get me wrong, I have learnt a lot over the course of the last two years. I am attempting things I would never have done before. And what am I going to get out of it, apart from those new skills? Would anyone employ me as a free-lance illustrator/ author/ crafts person? Lot’s of questions. I think my style is my USP. I tend to do my own thing. I am probably too analogue. But I have a passion and I want what I am doing to be interesting. Do I have to be subsumed into a generic style? I hope not!

Too many people

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I was shocked at my reaction to visiting the Thai temple at King’s Bromley today. There were so many people. It was a friendly atmosphere but I felt overwhelmed. I went into the crowded area in front of the stage (wearing a mask), but almost immediately I had to get away. I burst into tears! I went and sat in the shade of a tree away from the main crowd. I didn’t like being exposed to do many people. I was also surprised that only one other people were wearing masks. I’m supposed to be visiting somewhere else tomorrow but I’m seriously concerned about how I will cope, fear, nerves and anxiety again ?

My messy chair

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Instead of an easle I prop a stand up in a chair. But sometimes it becomes a bit of a dumping ground. Empty mug, started to colour a canvas, pallette, brushes and tissues and a mug for water. Sketchbook with a zebra Dragon idea. I need to start painting but I have no get up and go. Tidy up and start, or worry and prevaricate. I don’t know. I need to do something soon. Maybe it’s these dark days that are getting to me? I need my mojo back….