I’d like to be silly, daft, funny, have a laugh. But recently I’ve had to become, as my hubby calls me ‘ captain sensible’.
The thing is I’m his carer. I don’t like thinking about it but he has mental health issues and I have to keep a level head to keep him safe. But I don’t like it. I have to negotiate with him when he has manic ideas. I have to think through what he can do. I sometimes feel like a jailer. And yet I’m being sensible. I don’t think he should go and find a newt and put it in the pond, or buy another three bicycles to add to his collection of ten he already has. Or come home with another tree for our wooded garden. Some things are simple negotiation. Others are confusing. He buys ornaments we don’t need. He spends money in one particular shop on stuff that’s basically junk. But he’s happy. But they must see him coming… I worry about some of the things he declares he’s going to do. I won’t discuss them here. I can’t describe the anxiety he goes through every day, over things I would call trivial. I try and hold it all together and then live my life on top of that..
I seem to have collected a lot of these over the years. There’s a cat, two owls and a reindeer at least. I was given a couple of them and bought a few more. I like cute things, although I do wonder whether collecting them is sensible. Humans have a tendency to feel attached to inanimate objects. Like children love their toys, I guess adults love ornaments and objects. Sometimes this leads to hoarding, other times if the person is rich it might lead to collections of fine art. I think these could be described as two sides of the same coin. Both are ways of giving you pleasure, a good feeling each time you buy something, or hold it. But that feeling and impulse to buy can be an addiction. Or just holding onto belongings from a parent. Even a crisp packet that a good friend has eaten out of can have significance. So much so that it cannot be disposed of. Collection and hoarding are not so different…..
His mind burns
Hates to worry
But has no escape.
Ties guts and nerves,
Like a cauldron,
Withered, cracked, split and spilt
Mind shrunken by adversity.
Let HIM be free….
I’m off out to choir practice today. Learning new songs, and old ones to different tunes.
I’m sure my mental health has been better since I began going to a choir over ten years ago. It’s good for things like relaxation and concentration. I would recommend it to anyone who nerds some stress busting.
I can be sitting with the choir with no memory if the words or tune. Then almost miraculously they come to me as we start singing. We sing mainly acappella and my voice is most suited to alto and low parts.
We learnt a version of let your little light shine for the Stoke sings choir festival the weekend before last. With words that were appropriate to the cities history of pottery and mining.
I hope we sing it again tonight. It was fun to sing with 600 other people belting out the various parts. It is on YouTube somewhere.