I’ve lost my favourite purse. Small and soft material, I’ve had it for years, it was getting scruffy but I loved it. I think I must have pulled it out of my pocket yesterday when I was out for a walk. I know I took money out to pay for something, but stuffed it back in because my friend paid. Then it’s a blur, perhaps as I took a tissue out it fell out. I’ve rung the place we visited but no one has handed it in. Someone has probably had the cash. I almost drove back today but thought better of it. Too late. I seem to be losing a lot of things at the moment. So upsetting.
Watercolour painting of the top half of Cheddleton Station near Leek in Staffordshire. I have travelled on the steam train from there several times with my hubby. Something I will really miss. He was a bit of a steam train fanatic and always had masses of information in his mind. He recognised the make and types of trains (and tractors and cars) he could tell the make of tractors by the colours they were painted. Old Fergus on tractors were grey ‘old grey Fergie’ he would say.
I woke at 5.30am, unable to sleep, I was enveloped in waves of heat and cold from the covid virus. I couldn’t decide whether to snuggle under the duvet or throw it off. I lay listening to the news on the radio.
Just after 8am I came downstairs. I took my medication and prepared to light a candle for my hubby. Today was the day he would be cremated but circumstances meant I could not go to a funeral. Life isn’t always fair. Many friends and family had promised to light candles for him too and I spent an hour in calm and quiet peace thinking about my loss and contacting people who had left messages and thoughts on social media. What a strange way of doing things these days.
After breakfast I wondered if I should take another covid test, but decided I will wait till tomorrow to see. What would be the point of just confirming I was still ill. I continued to get messages and contacted friends and family.
I’ve cried and cried today. Little things like stories of people going through similar circumstances touched my heart. A film which was one of my hubbys favourites was on the TV. ‘The railway children’ is a sweet film and when it reached the end I started crying all over again.
Sleeping has helped this afternoon. I decided to ignore the fuel bills and have the heating on today. I was so tired at one point that my sandwich I’d made for tea slid off the plate and spilt all over the floor. I was not happy with myself.
I know these posts are not nice. I guess I’m just trying to document how I feel. If I explain perhaps it could help someone else? I don’t know.
Covid! I have avoided it for years. Now I’m hot and bothered sore tbroat, sniffles, bad head cold symptoms, dizzy, tired. But I didn’t realise till a friend said she had it. So I hunted down an old test kit. Lol and behold…. I’m gutted and worried. Wish me luck.
My neighbours are fencing off the alleyway which is good because it will stop people getting in through the hedge, but they bought a digger in and grubbed up even more of the hedge. It’s near where my hubby wanted his ashes scattering. I couldn’t argue, I just stayed polite, the builder didn’t care or understand. But when things are sorted I will plant the spikiest holly and pyrocantha hedge that I can!
The builder said “your hedge is over the boundary line” I replied “this was my hedge for over twenty years, you are doing work for someone who literally just bought it”, he seemed to vaguely understand. I just hope he didn’t dig up any hedgehog nests!
Always by my side. Now I’m a widow. What a weird word. My fate was to be left behind. Yours was to leave first.
The cats keep looking for you. The house is quiet. No explosions of humour and excitement. Just full but empty. Echoing with your life. Your things are everywhere. Your books, your clothes, shoes, things. What do I do?
Lots of support, I’m organising and tidying. Getting advice. Looking for help. Trying to stay calm. Alert about my body, my health.
Time will pass, I will seek support, I must try and go on. Enough sadness for a whole lifetime has poured like molten metal into my heart, burning and breaking. But I must go on.
In shock, two men around 20s were in our garden about 2pm, hubby disturbed them. They took electric shears and other stuff. I saw them go over our gate, tried to grab one. Very shook up. They both have short dark hair, one with a beard, about 5’10”,black jackets and trousers. Ran up our Road, hubby chased them Police have been. Fed up this is Four Times in a week!
Spoke to neighbours they have had their sheds broken into. It seems like a crime spree. I’m blogging to try and take my mind off things.
The gap is, there like a broken tooth. Whoever got in the garden broke down the old fence and broke down branches. I’m fed up because a builder cut our hedge severely last year so he could get a digger down our alleyway. Then the local shop said they were going to put a gate across the alley for security but it hasn’t happened yet. I’m trying to get a builder in to put in some fencing, but he hasn’t responded…. Oh well. We hope our efforts work. But we won’t be storing things in the garden again.
When I was young I used to run in races, I didn’t have any training but I would get quiet good places in school sports day races. I was fit, I used to jump over my dad’s saw bench, using it as a hurdle in our back garden. I also used to love climbing up the swing and hanging off the top.
As I got older we would walk to places and I got good at cycling. I was able to cycle 40 miles up to my boyfriends house north of Manchester and down to my mom’s home near Birmingham.
Then I had an accident, my bike was damaged and we got a car. The car was useful for commuting to work. The repair shop which was fixing my bike lost it for a year! But I still walked around my patch at work, so I stayed fit. I eventually got my bike back, but never felt the same way.
I still walked a bit, but my health wasn’t good. I put on weight and my job changed so I was more sedentary. I didn’t realise how big I was getting until a health scare.
I lost about a third of my body weight and met a good friend. We started walking together and I started to get fit again. I was also going on walks with hubby.
Then the pandemic happened. I still walked but didn’t see friends as much. My health was not good and although I was trying, when my friend got a new job I stopped walking as much. At the time I pulled my calf muscle and ended up off my feet for several weeks. I slowly started to gain strength, but I wasn’t able to do as much. Other sad things happened and I got in a rut.
Now I’m slowly recovering from another injury. I must start walking again as soon as I can. Being stuck at home is very frustrating.
Mallaband-Brown 