Sleep, memory, chases my mind.
I remember we were twins
When you were still here
Now your shape is gone
A space left in my landscape
So before I weep again
Bring me more dreams of you
Here beside me
Her next to me
Sister, twin.
Twinned
Tag: Loss
Mothers Day
Gone but I remember you. It’s been a few years, but on Mother’s day I wish you were still here. I could tell you my news, how things had been. You would be stern but fair, or happy and pleased. No matter what, you would try and help with problems. You cared about things.
Mothers (and Fathers) who have passed away are still remembered. It’s always a tug on my heart when the day comes round and I can’t buy her flowers or get each of them a card, a thank you for their care and support. I will try to keep those memories, to keep her in my mind, today and in future.
Six months…
Six months since I lost you
Six months of sorrow
I don’t remember every day
But milestones on the way
Remind me of a voice lost
A physical presence gone.
When I feel down the loss is greater
I dispare that your life is over.
I still pray for you at night
And I wish with all my might
That you were still here
Even if you were not near
Sister, twin, friend
My love to you
I send.
Walking
Two years ago I was walking almost every day to get fit. Then I pulled a calf muscle and my walking buddy got ill. I was stuck for a while because I wasn’t able to put much weight on my leg without it feeling like it was going to snap again. I ended up not walking very far. I tried to get back into it. But then illness and loss got to me. I ended the year with a chest infection. Now I have seen this and hubby has been walking I think I need to start again. There is no reason why I can’t if I try once I’m well again.
My sister, Farewell
It’s social media so I’m not sharing her whole face or naming her. But she had a good Farewell yesterday, kind words and thoughts. We seperated in late teenage hood as I left home to go to college. We went in different directions, I think she had a more romantic view of life and she had an almost fairy tale history (married with two children). I won’t talk much about her world, I don’t want to share too much personal information. We were seperated by many miles, but the bond was still there. I wish we had been closer and visited more. Bereavement is full of regret. I do regret, but I don’t feel guilty.
Toast at 4am
It’s another one of those nights. I lie down to sleep but my thoughts churn. I’m too hot, then too cold. I tried reading but hubby wants the light out, then he starts to snore. I came downstairs to get a drink, decaffeinated coffee, what a thrill?! I decided to treat myself to a slice of toast with hummus. Not very exciting. I know that at this rate it will be afternoon before I get up. One of the cats is on the armchair next to me, paw over his nose, keeping the light from the standard lamp out of his eyes. Oh to be a cat, curling up wherever you can. Warmed in a fur coat that is totally ethical. The house creaks at night, it’s old and not very well made. I think of my sister late at night. My chest does ache, but it might just be the cold I’ve had for the last few days. I guess I’ve got to learn to live with the loss. I’m still mourning her. Maybe tomorrow night I’ll get a better night’s sleep.
Gemini
Half of me was wrenched away
Just six weeks ago, today
Now you’re gone through that door
And I will see your face no more,
We weren’t close, but still I knew
My life and yours, linked as two
Souls that shared a single birth
Both of us, a childhoods hearth.
Still I think you will call me up
We’ll talk a while over a cup
Or two of tea, and a scone
But really I know you’re gone.
I can’t forget, but I will begin
To think you’re in the sky, a star, my twin.
Negative
Once I had a drawing (this took thirty minutes), I played with different filters to create different effects. This was using the negative filter on my phone. I have so many sketches and sketch books that I think I ought to store together. I also have thousands of photos on my phone. It’s a way of keeping memories and meaning. But sometimes the photos you really want are the ones you never remembered to tske…
Broken up
We were never one
But we were together
You and me
Sharing one space.
We were dressed the same
Identically unidentical
Called fraternal –
Really sororal
Now you are gone.
One half disappears
The other must go on.
Apart, forever.
Parted.
Missing choir
I’m not going to choir practice yet. I just don’t feel up to it. Singing is such an emotional thing. I just know if I go I will want to cry. I can’t face that yet. When I go back I want to be calm and a lot less stressed. Everything is so painful in my mind and in my body. I maybe should not share these feelings, but sometimes it’s better to say something. I don’t have the energy to worry about anyone else at the moment, and that makes me feel guilty.
To anyone else going through loss, I’d like to send my deepest sympathies, I can’t feel the same way as they do, but I do care.
Mallaband-Brown 