In memory

My mother died on midsummer  day several years ago, I was there when she passed away…. I feel very sad today, all my recent losses have really got me down. I wish I could turn the clock back. I wish there was a way to speak to her, to ask her opinions, although we often disagreed, we had interesting discussions rather than full blown arguments. I painted this portrait before she died.

She was a strong and independent woman, she had to look after us when my Dad died. There are many sad memories about that part of my life too. But I think I’ve said enough.

My last cat

Maybe I’m too old for them?

Have I used all my 9 lives?

I’ve cared for more than 9 cats in my life.

Lost them all over the years?

To finally end with one?

I want more

More companions

More company

Something to talk to

Something that has the ability to love back.

This lady is loving

But also aloof

Does her own thing

Plays, pounces, zooms….

Outside

I’m just not getting out much.

So I took a photo of this plant because I hadn’t got much else to look at one day.

Sorry, not very exciting, just went to a family funeral, we got there late because of traffic and roadworks, and as the person was a distant cousin, we really didn’t know much about him. I wrote about the random plant because you don’t need to know about the funeral.

Random…

Random memories

Random memories get at me… things only he used to do.. Why is the drill on top of the cupboard out of my reach? Did he know the answer to that university challenge question? I don’t recognise the different types of steam trains and can’t ask.. Long gone memories surface. What was his opinion about the latest political issues? 43 years then gone.. Lost, only in my memory…

He is still in my minds eye, a little corner of my brain grips tight and holds on.. He won’t go without a fight, and I don’t want to argue with him.

He would have been annoyed today, the  pump sprang a leak in the airing cupboard and when I came downstairs there was half an inch of water on the floor…. Now I’ve got just one cold water tap and the kettle… But he would have sorted it out….

I miss him…

A couple of days off…

Artrage app finger painting

A few days ago it would have been my hubby’s birthday. He is not here anymore and I felt too sad to blog here. Also my phone is playing up so I might struggle to post till I get a new battery, which means finding somewhere to do that. I don’t want a replacement for my phone (or hubby). I prefer to get things fixed if I can.

My hubby was not fixable, I can’t tell you how much I wish things had been different. I still feel lost without him. I think grief is not controllable, you have to go with its ways, sometimes succumbing to  the pain…. Despite wanting to make it go away. I just want to remember him always, even if I do feel blue….

Paw print

When I got up this morning there was a letter on the mat. I opened it and it was a sympathy card from the vets who had treated my poorly cat a couple of weeks ago, and eventually had to put him to sleep.

It was so kind, they said they could see we had a close bond and that I cared very much for my cat. I am so sad but proud that they felt this and had taken the time to write to me. I will treasure his pawprint forever.

Two years (almost)

If I wait a day or two

My tears will flow

Again

Two times around the sun.

Millions of miles away from me.

Energy evaporated

Thoughts dissipated

My memory is all

That holds you

A ghostly shape

3d nothingness

Grasping for you

In my sleep.

Such a robust person,

Lost and gone.

No more conversations…

Gone.

Gon

Go

G

….

Tomorrow is today

On our honeymoon we went caving! Today would have been our anniversary. When I thought of writing this it was our anniversary eve but I fell asleep and only just remembered to post something….

Time flies when you’re feeling sad. It rolls along leaving you behind. I keep imagining what things would have been like if he was still alive. Being on your own means having no one to discuss problems with. Yes I’ve got friends but it’s not the same. We went through a lot together. I wish we still could.