Missing choir

I’m not going to choir practice yet. I just don’t feel up to it. Singing is such an emotional thing. I just know if I go I will want to cry. I can’t face that yet. When I go back I want to be calm and a lot less stressed. Everything is so painful in my mind and in my body. I maybe should not share these feelings, but sometimes it’s better to say something. I don’t have the energy to worry about anyone else at the moment, and that makes me feel guilty.

To anyone else going through loss, I’d like to send my deepest sympathies, I can’t feel the same way as they do, but I do care.

Bad hour

Today I had a bad time, a bad hour. I started crying then shouting in anger. I have  a song running through my head, the words ‘crying over you’, a sad piece of music. I looked it up it was ‘crying’ by Don McLean…

Cried a lot as I listened to the song, it’s not about death, but the chorus gets to me. It releases a lot of emotions. It’s a couple of hours later and I feel a little better.

Purple for healing

I went to the opening of Arts and Minds which is a gallery and support space for veterans today. It is at Middleport in stoke-on-trent. They were selling crocheted poppies for remembrance day, but they also had a few purple poppies for healing. I bought one and am wearing it on my jumper near my heart. It’s symbolic of how I feel. My heart is breaking and needs to heal. I’ve tried to Kee busy today, but somehow feel sadder.

I can’t talk

There’s people I need to speak to, but as the days go on I get less likely to reach out. Its like I’m encapsulating myself against the whole world. Retreating into myself, hiding away? So nothing else can hurt me. Keeping busy where I have to, but really all I want is to put my head under the covers and escape from the world. Self protection, I hope it’s not selfishness. I don’t know if I will feel better soon. Am I being lazy? No, definitely not. Just torn apart.

Up and down

At the moment I’m up and down. One minute trying to plan things, the next remembering what has happened. Disbelief is my main emotion. That and loss. I feel like writing things down is helping a bit, so I’m here, blogging and sharing my thoughts. I hope that’s OK for people. I’m gradually working things out, grateful that I have hubby, friends and family there for support. When you lose a relative it’s a shock. I have cried, I will cry again, how long for, I don’t know. Its turmoil and chaos sometimes, then I calm down for a while. X

And still it goes on.

On 24th of February this year Vladimir Putin said he didn’t want to annex parts of Ukraine πŸ‡ΊπŸ‡¦, and yet now he’s trying to set up referendums to get the areas he’s taken over to vote to be absorbed into Russia. He can then threaten Ukraine more if they try and take those areas back.

Meanwhile victims of Russias torture and killing are being found in the areas in the North East of Ukraine that have been liberated. Innocent civilians that had their hands bound behind their back and were shot in the head. Or the survivors that were beaten or electrocuted. The loss that they and their relatives must feel must far outweigh any normal grieving? The world is awful. May this terrible war end soon.