She went four years ago.
One day just gone.
In the blink of an eye
Turn around and lost
I miss her
My sister
I miss her
So much..
4 years on
Tag: Sadness
Talking helps.
I found a post from a stranger that touched me and made me realise that you can do things to help you with sadness.
I suddenly remembered what I was advised to do when my hubby died a few years ago.
I hope people don’t mind but this is what I wrote to them. It’s copied directly from the post and I hope it makes sense to the person that I have written it to.
“Sorry you feel that way
It’s good that you are expressing it.
Can you talk to someone to help you get through it? I retreated into myself when I felt like this, but then I realised it was better to talk it through. My thoughts are with you. Even writing things down helps. I have written gratitude diaries. You write down three small things to be grateful for every day. Small things, like the traffic light turning green as you get there. Or finding a nice flower, or simply saying hi to a friend. “
Sending hugs to you all.
My pain
Today, after years I finally wrote down a lot of the bad things that have happened to me over the years. I’ve held it deep down and rarely shared it because, stiff upper lip, you just get on with it. People call me stoic, well I have been like this for over 60 years. I’m only saying now because I need to prove it to someone. Taken all day to write it all down. Do I feel better? Don’t know. I think I’ve still got some hope left.
In memory
My mother died on midsummer day several years ago, I was there when she passed away…. I feel very sad today, all my recent losses have really got me down. I wish I could turn the clock back. I wish there was a way to speak to her, to ask her opinions, although we often disagreed, we had interesting discussions rather than full blown arguments. I painted this portrait before she died.
She was a strong and independent woman, she had to look after us when my Dad died. There are many sad memories about that part of my life too. But I think I’ve said enough.
Paint box
Over the years, when I had money, I would treat you to paint and brushes and canvases. The joy of buying a new colour or a metallic tint.
Now I’m retired I still have enough to keep going. I just hope I can maintain my manual dexterity. Parkinsons is a beast.
My last cat
Maybe I’m too old for them?
Have I used all my 9 lives?
I’ve cared for more than 9 cats in my life.
Lost them all over the years?
To finally end with one?
I want more
More companions
More company
Something to talk to
Something that has the ability to love back.
This lady is loving
But also aloof
Does her own thing
Plays, pounces, zooms….
Outside
I’m just not getting out much.
So I took a photo of this plant because I hadn’t got much else to look at one day.
Sorry, not very exciting, just went to a family funeral, we got there late because of traffic and roadworks, and as the person was a distant cousin, we really didn’t know much about him. I wrote about the random plant because you don’t need to know about the funeral.
I saw you
You were in that play
Playing on the monitor
From ten years ago
Still strong
Still vigorous
You portrayed a viking
From olden times
You gave your all
And tears drenched my face
How to go on
Without your embrace?
Random…
Random memories
Random memories get at me… things only he used to do.. Why is the drill on top of the cupboard out of my reach? Did he know the answer to that university challenge question? I don’t recognise the different types of steam trains and can’t ask.. Long gone memories surface. What was his opinion about the latest political issues? 43 years then gone.. Lost, only in my memory…
He is still in my minds eye, a little corner of my brain grips tight and holds on.. He won’t go without a fight, and I don’t want to argue with him.
He would have been annoyed today, the pump sprang a leak in the airing cupboard and when I came downstairs there was half an inch of water on the floor…. Now I’ve got just one cold water tap and the kettle… But he would have sorted it out….
I miss him…
A couple of days off…
A few days ago it would have been my hubby’s birthday. He is not here anymore and I felt too sad to blog here. Also my phone is playing up so I might struggle to post till I get a new battery, which means finding somewhere to do that. I don’t want a replacement for my phone (or hubby). I prefer to get things fixed if I can.
My hubby was not fixable, I can’t tell you how much I wish things had been different. I still feel lost without him. I think grief is not controllable, you have to go with its ways, sometimes succumbing to the pain…. Despite wanting to make it go away. I just want to remember him always, even if I do feel blue….
