Tag: Grief

A couple of days off…

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Artrage app finger painting

A few days ago it would have been my hubby’s birthday. He is not here anymore and I felt too sad to blog here. Also my phone is playing up so I might struggle to post till I get a new battery, which means finding somewhere to do that. I don’t want a replacement for my phone (or hubby). I prefer to get things fixed if I can.

My hubby was not fixable, I can’t tell you how much I wish things had been different. I still feel lost without him. I think grief is not controllable, you have to go with its ways, sometimes succumbing to  the pain…. Despite wanting to make it go away. I just want to remember him always, even if I do feel blue….

Paw print

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When I got up this morning there was a letter on the mat. I opened it and it was a sympathy card from the vets who had treated my poorly cat a couple of weeks ago, and eventually had to put him to sleep.

It was so kind, they said they could see we had a close bond and that I cared very much for my cat. I am so sad but proud that they felt this and had taken the time to write to me. I will treasure his pawprint forever.

Alone

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Hubby

You birthday was today

But there is no voice

No laughter

No sudden shout

Of annoyance or glee.

You were here, then gone

Lost in space

Not forgotten by me

But gone from the world

We always held hands

Grasping our dreams

Let’s go out

Take a trip?

Now I stay still

Remembering but not visiting

Still waiting

For your non return.

Writing group prompt: A love poem?

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You hold my heart in your hands.

Squeeze a little and my heart burns.

Squeeze a lot? Somersaults.

The thumping steadies.

I need blood pressure medication.

Once many years ago we met.

First sight love?

No, it took a while.

No dancing bliss.

I almost gave you a miss.

My first kiss? Shy.

Then you were my guy.

But once it started.

Love and happiness grew.

Blossomed in Spring.

Flowered in summer.

Was gentle in autumn.

But flew away and was lost in winter.

Now love and greif mix.

I can imagine no one else.

But you.

Moving stuff

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It doesn’t look like much but I can see the floor. It means that the people taking some furniture out for me will be able to get through.

It’s taken me a year of grief to get to this point. I have had to get rid of things I might have wanted to keep. To say “goodbye” to things that have sat in the same place for years. The “that will come in handy” stuff, the “oh don’t throw that away, I’ll have it”, stuff.

I have also uncovered a large patch of damp under one of my windows, I will have to be responsible and get it patched up. Time, maybe, to stop ignoring things?

Brampton Open Exhibition

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Lucky to get my painting “mend him” into the Brampton open exhibition in the Brampton museum and art gallery, in Newcastle under Lyme. Staffordshire. It’s on from 14th October I think. The painting is a portrait of my hubby I started last year and finally finished a couple of months after he passed away. I miss him. This is my in memoriam tribute to him.

I had decided to enter it as “not for sale” but the gallery wanted all images to be up for sale so I put a large (very large) price on it to virtually guarantee it won’t be sold. It’s very personal to me, but I wanted people to see it.

It’s acrylic on canvas and I started it in my Studio in Spode Site, Stoke. I finished painting it there after I decided to leave due to not being able to afford the studio rent any longer. It means this is the last painting I completed there.

Looking at photos of him…

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My phone is full of photos and every so often I optimise them because the file sizes  are too big. But that always mixes the dates up, and this time many photos of my hubby showed up out of the thousands of images I have.

Cue deep greif again. My man was funny, eccentric, bombastic, able to express himself. He was emotional and sometimes irrational. But he supported me and we loved each other. He had a mad sense of humour and although he could get angry about things that was more about incidents in his life that had caused him to suffer from PTSD.

Each time I see his face I remember and I am upset again. Decades of life together has made our link so strong. I wish I could have him back, not just photos, but the reality.