By my side
Part of me
Has ripped away
Torn my heart
In half
Lub dub, Lub dub
It’s still pumping
Just.
You should be here
Tag: Grief
A long day
I woke at 5.30am, unable to sleep, I was enveloped in waves of heat and cold from the covid virus. I couldn’t decide whether to snuggle under the duvet or throw it off. I lay listening to the news on the radio.
Just after 8am I came downstairs. I took my medication and prepared to light a candle for my hubby. Today was the day he would be cremated but circumstances meant I could not go to a funeral. Life isn’t always fair. Many friends and family had promised to light candles for him too and I spent an hour in calm and quiet peace thinking about my loss and contacting people who had left messages and thoughts on social media. What a strange way of doing things these days.
After breakfast I wondered if I should take another covid test, but decided I will wait till tomorrow to see. What would be the point of just confirming I was still ill. I continued to get messages and contacted friends and family.
I’ve cried and cried today. Little things like stories of people going through similar circumstances touched my heart. A film which was one of my hubbys favourites was on the TV. ‘The railway children’ is a sweet film and when it reached the end I started crying all over again.
Sleeping has helped this afternoon. I decided to ignore the fuel bills and have the heating on today. I was so tired at one point that my sandwich I’d made for tea slid off the plate and spilt all over the floor. I was not happy with myself.
I know these posts are not nice. I guess I’m just trying to document how I feel. If I explain perhaps it could help someone else? I don’t know.
What’s the matter now?
What’s the matter now? Became a response when my hubby couldn’t hear me properly. He was always having problems with his hearing aids. They made his ears sore. Or if he got his hair trapped they would whistle.
What’s the matter now? Was almost a catchphrase. I dreaded it, it meant he was irritated by me, or something was getting on his nerves.
Decades of living with someone, and you don’t know what will happen. Can you know someone well enough to be able to solve all their problems? Not in a normal life. It’s not all romance, it’s trying to give and take, accept difficulties. Putting doubts out of your mind. The marriage service has it right. The balance between sickness and health. Riches and poverty. Somehow you rub along.
I will be guilty for a long time for feeling I should have done more. To make everything OK? Not a chance, but I can wish. For now I will try and remember the ‘what’s the matter now?’ moments and try to accept that was part of our life too. If there is something after life I hope he forgives me. I don’t know what else to ask for of him. Processing grief is horrible but it has to be done.
No presents
No presents hanging in stockings
No orange in the toe of the sock
There’s no chocolate or dolls
No perfume, or jigsaw puzzle
Sympathy cards replace Christmas ones.
The poinsettia is still in the shop
Your present has gone to a friend
We won’t open one each before breakfast
Old traditions wrung out
New ones yet to start.
Meanwhile I wait for snow or reindeer
Or Christian meditation and carols.
Who knows what happens next.
Shrodingers Cat has more idea
Of the future than I do.
Facebook just restricted me!
Why? I didn’t follow community standards! I can’t see how to object or explain myself, we are ruled by AI!
What? I’m on it too much, I might be adding spam!
All I did was ask when people want to celebrate my hubbys life.
I asked people to say day or night. Lots of people have commented and I was either pressing love or like to their comments.
Now I’m not allowed back for 1 hour!
So if you are grieving don’t talk to people on Facebook. They clearly don’t like it. I’m angry and upset.
Knock on
Don’t be afraid
Knock on my door
I’m here inside
Just waiting to say
Be my friend still
A hug or a hand
Would serve me well
Don’t go away
Leaving a card
But nothing to say?
I need you to stay
Keep me company
I need you today.
Worrying
What could you do less of?
I just know I have to be calm and try and deal with life. I’ve got to try and worry less. That’s what my hubby kept telling me ‘don’t worry’.
I hope I can do that, anxiety levels have risen. Fears of what’s happening in the world, the level of cruelty and destruction and war seems to be worse than ever. Or is it just that it’s more reported? Don’t worry?
Of course I’m going to worry, I need to know I’m safe. That I can get my life sorted out for the next three or four years. I need stability, I need support, I have to be realistic.
But I will try not to worry too much.
Tangled
A drawing from a while ago. It was called molecules. I was trying to find an image that describes my tangled brain. I think I’m OK, then I don’t know. I’m trying to do things, but I’m tied up inside a cotton sack, trying to find the way out.
Am I being dramatic? Perhaps, I have lots of thoughts about what I want to do, but the procrastination gets me all the time. The older I get, the less enthusiasm I have. Sorry, its just one of those nights. I’m watching a sad film and it’s getting to me. I sometimes feel time is running out. Grief is a tight knot. Like a molecule, twisting and turning. Time for some rest perhaps…… I’ll be OK….
Confusion, can’t help myself..
The world keeps spinning and I’m still here, one year older. I feel, I don’t know? Like I need to change, to try and be positive. I have escaped from last week’s or years thoughts. Maybe I can gain some strength now I’m a year older and wiser? I have fractured thoughts…
Grief holds you tight, you interpret things in its light. Your expectations change. Fear and worry hold your hand. A loss of a sibling? Never to speak again…. Memories sneak up on you. You peek round a corner and they pounce on you. Birthdays, bad days, no joy. But now? Can I look forward not back? I must try…
Help
My life is quite chaotic at the moment. Lots of things to do, plenty of time, but lack of inclination to do things. Procrastinating is my favourite pastime!
Everything is tangled up. I’m trying to organise and assess things, but failing. Thinking and worrying is not helping. I think I need to meditate or do some relaxation. It’s not that I don’t want to do things, but I think I’ve had my head in the sand for so many months, I don’t know how to drag it back out. I know this is self reflection, and I hope its a good thing. Writing it down might give me a push.
Grief has not helped. And now other people I know have died and that has knocked me back. I don’t want to think of the end of things. But I guess we should all make some plans? Sorry this is a bit random, maybe talking will help though.
Mallaband-Brown 