
Sleep, memory, chases my mind.
I remember we were twins
When you were still here
Now your shape is gone
A space left in my landscape
So before I weep again
Bring me more dreams of you
Here beside me
Her next to me
Sister, twin.
New paintings and regular art updates.

Sleep, memory, chases my mind.
I remember we were twins
When you were still here
Now your shape is gone
A space left in my landscape
So before I weep again
Bring me more dreams of you
Here beside me
Her next to me
Sister, twin.

It’s another one of those nights. I lie down to sleep but my thoughts churn. I’m too hot, then too cold. I tried reading but hubby wants the light out, then he starts to snore. I came downstairs to get a drink, decaffeinated coffee, what a thrill?! I decided to treat myself to a slice of toast with hummus. Not very exciting. I know that at this rate it will be afternoon before I get up. One of the cats is on the armchair next to me, paw over his nose, keeping the light from the standard lamp out of his eyes. Oh to be a cat, curling up wherever you can. Warmed in a fur coat that is totally ethical. The house creaks at night, it’s old and not very well made. I think of my sister late at night. My chest does ache, but it might just be the cold I’ve had for the last few days. I guess I’ve got to learn to live with the loss. I’m still mourning her. Maybe tomorrow night I’ll get a better night’s sleep.

What do sad words mean?
Do they explain
Do they confer
Anything?
How do I say
What I feel?
Words are not easy
They don’t encapsulate
They don’t wrap you
In their arms.
They are just noise
Between people
When what I need
Is a hug?

Time ticks by
Your journey has ended
The world has whirled on in space
And left you behind.
An abrupt ending
Hopefully peacefully
You won’t see my tears
My pain, my loss
I won’t hear your voice again.
Lost in the wilderness
Grief tunnels in
Tugs at my heart
Rending and tearing.
How can I say goodbye
When it’s too late?

I just unlocked some grief, from long ago. It was hidden deep, the reason why I don’t buy many clothes and shoes for myself.
Why I feel guilt, and hurt, sad to be left behindy by my dad.
Father died and we had nothing but his bequest to buy clothes for his funeral. That set up the guilt, Mom needed the money more than us. But she insisted, we had to be smart. Look nice. To choose our own outfits. I think that has always stayed with me. Grief and guilt mixed into a behaviour. Still sad now all these years later.