Toast at 4am

It’s another one of those nights. I lie down to sleep but my thoughts churn. I’m too hot, then too cold. I tried reading but hubby wants the light out, then he starts to snore. I came downstairs to get a drink, decaffeinated coffee, what a thrill?! I decided to treat myself to a slice of toast with hummus. Not very exciting. I know that at this rate it will be afternoon before I get up. One of the cats is on the armchair next to me, paw over his nose, keeping the light from the standard lamp out of his eyes. Oh to be a cat, curling up wherever you can. Warmed in a fur coat that is totally ethical. The house creaks at night, it’s old and not very well made. I think of my sister late at night. My chest does ache, but it might just be the cold I’ve had for the last few days. I guess I’ve got to learn to live with the loss. I’m still mourning her. Maybe tomorrow night I’ll get a better night’s sleep.

Tired out

I finally managed to get to sleep at about 9.30am! Then I slept fitfully till 11am woke up, had a decaff coffee went back to bed and finally got up just before 2pm. What an awful night. I am very tired and I don’t even know if I will be able to get some rest tonight. I don’t want to moan about it. I’ve been in a bad mood today, I’m going to see if I can go to bed early. We will see. Words like shattered, exhausted, insomnia, wrecked, knackered and weary spring to mind.

Sleepless

Sleepless, no dreams to tie my mind down. Only the dull drumming of my pulse in my ear. The ache of a big toe constricted by bed clothes. The air on my face shushing as my CPAP machine quietly stops my palette from collapsing. Aching shoulders gripped with tension. The tiredness continues, but I am awake. I try different ploys, reading by low lamplight until the book thuds to the floor, which generally wakes me up again. Multiple thoughts whirl around my head, they are like several butterflies or fireflies all swirling around. Try and pin one under a finger and another flits off towards the ceiling or the floor. Gouty aches twist my limbs. Was I ever so uncomfortable? I know I need to get up and use the bathroom, stubbornness and the hope of sleeping hold me in place for a few minutes, then I swing my legs out of bed and grapple with my balance before venturing down creaky stairs into the cold. Once again, like on many other nights, I make myself a warm drink to calm the shivers and try and relax. I may stay downstairs for half an hour, waiting for my hubby, who I disturbed, to get back to sleep. Often on returning to bed I put the radio on low on a speech channel, I don’t like music playing, but often I get drawn into a programme, the sound so soft it becomes hard to detect what is being said and my brain tries to decipher the words. At some stage I will either drift into sleep or get up and turn off the radio. Often the dawn is breaking before I finally get any rest. Sometimes I remember to try relaxation techniques. Or repeating the word ‘the’ over and over in my head. Sometimes I even stay downstairs and try and sleep in my armchair. Tonight might be one of those…..

Will I sleep?

Now I lay me down to sleep, will I find the peace I seek? Last night I slept for two hours, stayed awake for three, then caught two more hours by their shirt tails. Dragged into and out of nervous dreams. Unsatisfied by my minds play and twists. I don’t remember them, but I think the dreams woke me, a flavour or a smell or a shape lifting me from slumber. Spending the day tired and aching. Wonder if I will repeat tonight? I hope not, but I’m overtired and grumpy, aching and yawning!

Tired

Yawning, aching, eyes blurred, too many late nights watching TV or videos on my phone. I could sleep, but my feet hurt, which keeps me awake. Then I’m either too hot or too cold, or hubby snores, or kicks my ankle. Too many decaff coffees make it worse. Even if I don’t have lots of thoughts sometimes it difficult. I put a light on, if I read sometimes I can sleep, I hear the book drop, but I’m gone. Other times I put the radio on low, a murmur, but sometimes I catch a headline and have to listen…. So many reasons for NOT sleeping, and yet HE can just sleep, like that, so annoying! ❤️

Insomnia again, no!

My mind is spinning again, and my body has been spinning in bed, left side, back, right side, left side, right, back, left…..

Sheet covering me, duvet and sheet, no sheet… Too hot, too cold. Pain in my toes, pain in my knee, back, neck..

Twisting and turning so much, it might be a dance. Now my guts are joining in, discomfort, so I’ve come down for a decaff coffee. Soon I’ll be back in bed. But while I’m here, at 5.15am, why not just check out my phone for stories, funny memes, memories, jokes…… Put it down! Put. It. Down…

Good morning x dawn will be breaking soon.

Awake

Woke up to a blue sky with patchy clouds. Do you look for things in the clouds? I thought I could see Yoda in this photo from a few days ago (bottom half of the photo). Strange how the mind works. I guess it’s because you have to be awake and aware as a human being. Maybe you need to see possible threats so pattern recognition is a good thing. I’ve often written about my ability to see patterns. Pareidolia is what it’s called. But yes it’s good to be awake and seeing blue skys. But we do need rain.

Cat 6.30am

While I was writing this morning all three cats came upstairs to see me. This is one of the boy cats. FURRY NINJAS, pounce on anything. It’s fun to watch them all interact. You can catch them eyeing up the warmest places to sleep. One of them will move and another will take its place. A noise from a cupboard? A cat is washing, or snoring! Life with cats is fun.

One hour!

That’s how much sleep I got last night. My hubby has a cold and was coughing and snoring. He hurt his leg a week ago and can’t get comfortable. I think I’m having another attack of gout as my feet and hands hurt. I couldn’t get comfortable and as I’ve cut down on the central heating it means the bedroom is cold at night. A fight over the duvet ensued. So I came downstairs and read for a couple of hours. I knew I was supposed to get up and go somewhere. That didn’t help. In the end I fell asleep at about 9am then woke up at 10am. I should have been out at the meeting. In the end I gave up and sent my apologies. I went back to sleep at about midday and woke up just after 3pm. Another night of insomnia! Is it any wonder that I fall asleep in the day!

Sleepless in Stoke

My minds a whirl..

Little thoughts track big ones

Trickle through my brain

Like sand in a puzzle

Clogging up the workings

No smooth calmness

Jumping clumps of

Dark matter

Or spaghetti goo

What does that meant

To you?

Nothing, random

Overactive

Spiced with tinges

Of pain

Let me sleep

Not that tune

Again!