Tired, shaking, aching. Can’t rest, can’t get comfortable, can’t sleep. Too hot, too cold. Got a slight cough. Feeling miserable. Not ill. The injured calf muscle is difficult to position, too painful after three weeks. I’ve slept on the settee with my legs resting on cushions on a stool because straightening my leg makes it cramp up. My sleeping mask that I have to wear to keep my throat from stopping me breathing is rubbing on my nose and puffs of air from it disturb me as I try to nod off. Occasionally I’ve slept in an armchair instead, cushioned up and curled in a ball. I want to go to bed, upstairs. But I’m scared like the Grand old Duke of a Yorks men I will end up halfway. Neither up nor down.
Injury is not only frustrating, it’s confidence sapping too. You don’t trust yourself incase something happens to make it worse. So instead I’m sitting tapping on my phone. Dithering in the cool night air, wanting to be snuggled and comfy. Feeling fed up.
Walk along the Lyme Valley Park in Newcastle-under-Lyme.
It would have been muddy if it hadn’t been so dry over the last few days.
The sun was setting as we walked. We called in a couple of shops for essentials so I was out for three and a half hours. Note to self, get shopping from somewhere closer to home or take two bags instead of one so you can spread the load.
That was going to be a short walk, but I ended up doing over two miles more. Me and my friend seem to egg each other on. (if we go that way we can do a few more steps?).
My arm and hand (left) keep wobbling and shaking. I think it’s because I’ve got muscle wasting, which is because od my frozen shoulder…. If you watch a kestrel hovering it’s body is buffeted by the wind but its head stays still. My hand is not like that! My hand shakes and I stab at my phone keyboard. Half the time I miss and hit the wrong letters. This has got to get better. The tension in my shoulders is like the weight of the world…. Why do I have to hold it up?
It was a filthy, wet day, rain, wind, cold, puddles! Of course I could have said no. But I need exercise. So off we trudged along the canal down on a flat route to a main road, then right and down hill to a large retail village. Only problem? I’d forgotten to bring a mask or some cash (I had thought I could catch the bus back), that was the five mile mark. We got a bit dry in the ladies loos, then my friend popped into a couple of shops while I stood outside. Then. Back along a dual carriageway. More wet steps. When we got to the roundabout that would take us back via the main road or along the river, yes you guessed we chose the river path. Cold, wet, rushing river, the paths were inches deep in water so I waded through the grass that was muddy mush. I’m glad I’d taken a big brolly. It made a good walking pole. Finally the path ended and we were back in the city…. I havent walked that far in twenty years!
Eyes open, staring at the ceiling, or eyes closed and flashes and patterns inside my eyelids. Curling tight in a ball, shivering with cold. Why did I turn the heating off? Pulling the duvet over my head, hoping the warmth of my breath will bring feeling back to my hands. Its only October but the temperature has dropped. So many nights without proper sleep. Pain and worries mingle, darkness does not enfold me in its arms, but instead picks on my mind. It hurts me, darkness extends into the future. Dawn arrives later every morning. Enveloping me in misery. Stay up, keep the lights on. Speed the night through watching TV.
Only days till Halloween, what is waiting for me? Noise outside again. Is there anyone there? If I could sleep I would be oblivious to it. Oh what can I do?