New paintings and regular art updates.
Today I feel like I’m drifting..
Things to do?
Yes, but I’m thinking
Ignoring the world
I’m just sitting
Down and just
Contemplating
Mulling over what to do
But I’m only prevaricating…
Have I got a clue
About future creating?
I don’t know what to do…
And I keep cogitating..
I have a thesaurus for a brain
My brain needs retraining!
My studio, I’m still nervous because of the delta variant of covid to go back into it. I need to paint but I’ve got that feeling that I’m on a knife edge, I don’t know what to do? It’s strange, I’m spending the money but for almost two years now I have felt very worried. Maybe I need some talking therapy, everything is getting too much….
At last!
For a few months I’ve been putting things off. I used to sort things out regularly and efficiently in my old job, but when I left things changed.
I was always at the beck and call of people, sorting out their problems. My mind would work through possibilities and come up with solutions.
When I finished work I tried to get elected as a Councillor. I still wanted to help people and saw it as a way of using my skills. But the electors chose someone else. My political party had lost support. Then I regrouped and started a college course.
But as the months have gone on I have felt more and more overwhelmed. Putting things off to the end of semesters. Leaving the paperwork sitting on my desk. Why? Prevarication…. I wasn’t trusting myself to get things right. A couple of things had gone wrong and I was scared to try again. Would I succeed? Could I cope? Health issues for both me and hubby have increased my stress levels..
Anyway, today I did half the things on my list (about four of them) I’ve got more to do but I feel better about it.
Fingers crossed I can do more tomorrow.
At the moment I’m stuck with my college work. I have ideas, I seem to know what I want to do. But I have a fear of failing. The heat doesn’t help. I’m ending up doing things at 3am, but it’s not enough. Words circle in my mind, like vultures, ready to sink down on the ruin of my ideas. Prevarication prevents failure. I don’t feel I can do a good enough job.
I must start. By writing this down I’m trying to give me a kick start to things. I need to order a couple of books, but I’ve even held back from doing that. I know I can do the course, but I’m disappointed that I didn’t get higher marks. I have passed each semester though. Why would this one be different? Easier to think than write…
Do you ever just get stuck in your thoughts. Lost and not quite sure what to do or where to go. Marathon prevarication. Held back by thinking too much. And heat doesn’t help. You wait in hope that it might cool down. Your mind isn’t working, it’s fused in place, clunking, square thoughts jammed in a round hole. You just want to break out of it. Find a way through. Maybe in a while I will feel more like myself.
So much to do. My own fault really. I’m doing a college course but its been a while and I am acting like I did when I did my previous course. In other words prevaricating and not doing stuff in a timely way. But I know it so I’m trying to catch up. I still have a couple of weeks to put everything together, But you know when you are nervous. Its easier to come and type here than get on with things. Trouble is I am paying for this, so I’m letting myself down if I don’t get on with it. There you are- I’ve admitted it….
I tried making lists, sticking up post it notes, setting free time to do the work (I have plenty of that) my mind rebels! I look at the book of face, ring people, go for walks, garden….sound familiar? Do I really want to do this? Yes! I must get on with it..
Bye for now!
I thought I would post an old picture of one of my necklaces from my Facebook memories. I made the glass cabochon at a glass workshop with someone called Angela Ashton. She has moved away and I would like to find somewhere else to do this. The wire weaving is by my friend, I need to chase her to try and get some pieces back off her, but I’ve been preoccupied and keep forgetting to contact her. I don’t think it’s anything to do with my age, but when you are busy with other responsibilities it’s hard to keep on track.
Sometimes I just wish for freedom to be myself, and sometimes I feel I’m using it as an excuse not to do things.
Maybe I can pull things back together soon. I need to escape my cocoon and be a butterfly.
X
Why can’t I get things done?
I think and think,
Decide, then change my mind.
I wait till the time seems right,
Then miss acting on it.
Why? because I spend time thinking.
Then I think again…….
Too much to do, too little time?
But if I just started early…
Wasn’t so desperate to be perfect.
Took less thought and acted sooner.
Maybe then I could
Get
Things
Done!
But now…
I’m not lazy, not crazy, just hazy…
Stuck!
Mallaband-Brown