I was so tense when I tried to find my marks for my college course that I was shaking like a leaf! I had tried to stay calm, but I’ve also been trying to do other things too. I’m sure my blood pressure is up!
I finally found I had passed but couldn’t see the marks. Now I’ve found them and it’s OK. But I need to find the feedback to see what I’ve got right and got wrong. This is the worst bit, I hope it’s constructive and that I will be able to improve my scores next time.
So much to do. My own fault really. I’m doing a college course but its been a while and I am acting like I did when I did my previous course. In other words prevaricating and not doing stuff in a timely way. But I know it so I’m trying to catch up. I still have a couple of weeks to put everything together, But you know when you are nervous. Its easier to come and type here than get on with things. Trouble is I am paying for this, so I’m letting myself down if I don’t get on with it. There you are- I’ve admitted it….
I tried making lists, sticking up post it notes, setting free time to do the work (I have plenty of that) my mind rebels! I look at the book of face, ring people, go for walks, garden….sound familiar? Do I really want to do this? Yes! I must get on with it..
22.4.20, about a month into lockdown. I wonder what was going through my mind? I don’t think I was as nervous then as I am now. I was thinking about food. Now I’m thinking about not going out, despite the pubs opening up carefully and hairdressers and other non essential shops. Do I feel like going out? No, I think this is too early. Especially where alcohol is involved. I’ve seen groups of four or five men walking past the house, looking like they are off for a ‘good night out’.
What can I say. I understand people need to escape. I feel so tense I’m shaking. How do refugees and people in war torn areas survive? We are lucky. The problem might cause massive problems with wealth but I want people to be safe and survive this. Ah well, maybe I will do another drawing x.
I’m here at the Open studios and I keep getting tongue tied. I need to explain about my art, but for some reason I become shy, it’s like trying to display my mind to the world. Cut off the top of my head and scoop out all the swirling thoughts time…. But… My good friend came along today, she greeted people cheerfully, asked them into my studio, said how I was a good artist, (by this time my head was in my hands with embarrassment) and encouraged them to think about commissioning me to do some art for them.
I was really pleased and mortified at the same time. I think it’s that British thing if too much modesty. It’s a learned habit that makes you feel like the “I’m not worthy” characters you see on TV or in books. Do you know what I mean? I felt it was far easier to just say “hi” as people walked past.
Like a napping cat staring bleary eyed into the dawn, I’m awake. I don’t want to be. There is a slight chill in the living room and I’m thinking of snuggling back in bed. To sleep, to not worry about today, who will come to my show? Are enough people interested?
Nerves, that’s what it is. The anxiety in the pit of your stomach. Collywobbles, butterflies, slight palpatations.
Nothing to worry about, I tell myself. Worrying never got anything done, I think. Life’s too short, I mutter under my breath.
So decisions, another decaff coffee or sleep, I know what I will do…..