I can’t ask you

I turned to you to ask you a question. But you were not there. You cannot come back.

You were so knowledgeable, I could mention something and you knew the way my mind was working. You would ask me and be surprised by what I knew. We agreed that I had picked up a lot of knowledge from you. I recognise trains and tractors because of you. I could ask you about chemistry and physics. We would laugh and compete to answer TV quiz questions. Sometimes I would beat you, other times you would beat me. Most often it was a draw.

Thinking of you now I see a hole in the air where you were. A space unfilled by your spirit. You have gone ahead, like going to bed, and I don’t want to follow yet? My bonds are here on earth, close tied to friends and family. Don’t let me loose those bonds yet. I have obligations, how could I let the cats down? My family down. Please look over me and keep me safe in your heart as I hold you in mine.

Thoughts late at night.

Walking

What is your favorite form of physical exercise?

I haven’t been able to do much walking recently. Injury will do that. I used to love running and cycling, but I got a car and that was my biggest mistake. A sedentary job didn’t help either.

I tried to get into walking with a friend, that happened for a year, then I pulled a calf muscle which caused a lot of pain. For months. After that I started again. Only to hurt myself again! I literally feel like I’ve taken one step forward and two back. But I will try again, it’s cheaper than driving and better for the environment. Don’t get a car unless you have to!

Pain

Pain attacks from different directions

Trundles like an army on alternative fronts

I need to relax

Let my body un-tense

Then the pain flows away

Fear and stress exacerbate

Anxiety cramps me up

But starting to understand

I can calm my impulses

Like a frozen bag of peas

Soothes the army of pain

Descalating aches

Deflating anguish.

Ouchee!

The car door was caught by the wind.. And slammed into my leg! Luckily I was wearing trousers, not a skirt, but then I felt a wet trickle running down the outside of my leg. The door had cut through my skin despite not cutting the trouser cloth. I got inside and cleaned up the wound as well as I could. Hubby bathed it and was going to put a plaster on it but the wound, though shallow, was about the size of a twenty pence piece. Luckily I found something clean to use as a dressing. I put pressure on the wound to stop the bleeding. I’ve got the dressing held in place with plasters, so hopefully I won’t need to go to the doctors on Monday. I’m not going to A&E on a Saturday.

My writings awful

I am struggling to write since I hurt my wrist. If I hold a pen I get sharp pains shooting down from my thumb. The pressure I have to press down with is also making it hurt.

I’ve tried getting in the doctors but can’t get an appointment. I will try again. I looked the symptoms up on the Internet (not a good idea), I have an idea what might be causing it, but self diagnosis is not a good thing. I might be minimising or catastrophising…. Life is strange and interesting and can be confusing.

Finger drawing

I haven’t been able to draw much today because of my hand. I just tried to draw a Buddha by doing a digital finger painting using artrage oils and a sketching app. I’m not doing well with details, just broad brushstrokes. I don’t want to stop drawing, but I need to rest things a bit. Maybe I’m hoping for a bit of good Karma.

Can’t sleep

Tired, shaking, aching. Can’t rest, can’t get comfortable, can’t sleep. Too hot, too cold. Got a slight cough. Feeling miserable. Not ill. The injured calf muscle is difficult to position, too painful after three weeks. I’ve slept on the settee with my legs resting on cushions on a stool because straightening my leg makes it cramp up. My sleeping mask that I have to wear to keep my throat from stopping me breathing is rubbing on my nose and puffs of air from it disturb me as I try to nod off. Occasionally I’ve slept in an armchair instead, cushioned up and curled in a ball. I want to go to bed, upstairs. But I’m scared like the Grand old Duke of a Yorks men I will end up halfway. Neither up nor down.

Injury is not only frustrating, it’s confidence sapping too. You don’t trust yourself incase something happens to make it worse. So instead I’m sitting tapping on my phone. Dithering in the cool night air, wanting to be snuggled and comfy. Feeling fed up.