A loud noise by our gate made me jump as I sat in the living room. For a moment I thought someone had jumped over it. I told hubby and he went out into the garden to check. He walked past the window spade in hand, ready to repel intruders. But I reran the image in my head, what I’d heard and seen, I think, was someone opening one of our wheelie bins in front of the gate, to throw rubbish in it.
I hate this nervy, hypervigilant me. I just want to be quiet and calm. I don’t need my blood pressure going sky high! And I don’t want hubby putting himself at risk!
What’s something you would attempt if you were guaranteed not to fail.
Fear of heights and flying have held me back from doing this, but if I knew I would have guaranteed safety, no risk of the balloon suddenly deflating, or getting caught in a gale, or plummeting to earth, I might have a go.
I’d have to be on a tethered line, and maybe not go any higher than ten or twenty feet!
Why am I scared? I suffer from vertigo if my feet leave the ground, so even jumping can make me dizzy (I exaggerate), but I think I know where it stems from.
When I was young I was happy to climb up the outside of the swings or the big slide in the park or the ropes in the school hall. I’d climb to the top and hang upside down. So when I was a teenager and went on a school trip I was fine. But I borrowed some binoculars from the school teacher and climbed up a steep hill. I’d wanted to see the view. BUT, when I tried to climb down it wasn’t as simple. The surface was scree, loose small stones, I could feel the ground sliding away beneath me and I couldn’t use both hands because I was holding onto the binoculars for grim death! I finally got down in a flurry of dust and rough rocks, but I think it shook my confidence, I know from then on I was much more cautious and nervous about heights.
I’ve been disorganised and muddled for a while. I need to get some semblance of organisation back in my life.
So, I am trying to use my diary more, and not ignore it. I’ve got into the habit of moving things on instead of doing things. I’ve got to stop. I think I mustn’t overload myself with plans.
My main problem is procrastination. Like a rabbit caught in the headlights, I get worried about how I’m going to get something done, that leads to anxiety, and I find it easier not to do the thing that needs doing.
Life has a way of getting involved, things crop up and stop you in your tracks. Pain and anxiety mix into a cocktail of disasters. The world spins you round the wrong way and everything gets out of kilter.
So now I have to start getting over things, I need to break my fears down into achievable goals, or I will just sink into a deeper mess. Getting organised is definitely my number one priority.
I want to know what is happening with my brain and nerves. I am still struggling with a shaking left arm and hand, and cramps in my left leg and foot. I think it’s a trapped nerve, but it doesn’t seem to be getting any better. I’m hoping when I finally get to see a doctor I will get a good result and hopefully it can be fixed. Meanwhile I’m thankful it’s on my left side as I’m right handed. It makes some things more difficult and it’s tiring and frustrating. I know I’ve moaned about this before, but it’s getting to me. I wrote this yesterday but then forgot to publish it. And I’m getting forgetful with some words, but I’m hoping thats just stress! I went for an eye appointment set for the 29th, except it’s in June, not May! No wonder they were not open….Help
I love painting but I find it hard to sell. My mind sometimes goes into panic mode and I say strange things instead of pleasantries. I can hear my voice coming out with odd comments, about someone’s walking stick, or immesaying I will discount the price of a print when they have barely looked at it. Today was odd and difficult. It’s been a long time since I have had to talk to people about my art. I was not fluent with my thoughts. I was nervous, sometimes tounge tied. As the number of people increased it got worse. My throat got dry. I wanted to talk but I just stayed silent. It was better towards the end, but I’m an artist not a saleswoman. Anxiety and covid make it harder.
Its almost time to submit my final major project but I’ve become very nervous about it. Such a lot rides on how I do. I’m already suffering from insomnia but this is just making it worse. I’m wondering why I can’t sleep, but I guess it’s thoughts like “have I got enough images?” “what if I forget to include?” “how do I create?” Don’t get me wrong, I have learnt a lot over the course of the last two years. I am attempting things I would never have done before. And what am I going to get out of it, apart from those new skills? Would anyone employ me as a free-lance illustrator/ author/ crafts person? Lot’s of questions. I think my style is my USP. I tend to do my own thing. I am probably too analogue. But I have a passion and I want what I am doing to be interesting. Do I have to be subsumed into a generic style? I hope not!
I was so tense when I tried to find my marks for my college course that I was shaking like a leaf! I had tried to stay calm, but I’ve also been trying to do other things too. I’m sure my blood pressure is up!
I finally found I had passed but couldn’t see the marks. Now I’ve found them and it’s OK. But I need to find the feedback to see what I’ve got right and got wrong. This is the worst bit, I hope it’s constructive and that I will be able to improve my scores next time.
So much to do. My own fault really. I’m doing a college course but its been a while and I am acting like I did when I did my previous course. In other words prevaricating and not doing stuff in a timely way. But I know it so I’m trying to catch up. I still have a couple of weeks to put everything together, But you know when you are nervous. Its easier to come and type here than get on with things. Trouble is I am paying for this, so I’m letting myself down if I don’t get on with it. There you are- I’ve admitted it….
I tried making lists, sticking up post it notes, setting free time to do the work (I have plenty of that) my mind rebels! I look at the book of face, ring people, go for walks, garden….sound familiar? Do I really want to do this? Yes! I must get on with it..
22.4.20, about a month into lockdown. I wonder what was going through my mind? I don’t think I was as nervous then as I am now. I was thinking about food. Now I’m thinking about not going out, despite the pubs opening up carefully and hairdressers and other non essential shops. Do I feel like going out? No, I think this is too early. Especially where alcohol is involved. I’ve seen groups of four or five men walking past the house, looking like they are off for a ‘good night out’.
What can I say. I understand people need to escape. I feel so tense I’m shaking. How do refugees and people in war torn areas survive? We are lucky. The problem might cause massive problems with wealth but I want people to be safe and survive this. Ah well, maybe I will do another drawing x.
I’m here at the Open studios and I keep getting tongue tied. I need to explain about my art, but for some reason I become shy, it’s like trying to display my mind to the world. Cut off the top of my head and scoop out all the swirling thoughts time…. But… My good friend came along today, she greeted people cheerfully, asked them into my studio, said how I was a good artist, (by this time my head was in my hands with embarrassment) and encouraged them to think about commissioning me to do some art for them.
I was really pleased and mortified at the same time. I think it’s that British thing if too much modesty. It’s a learned habit that makes you feel like the “I’m not worthy” characters you see on TV or in books. Do you know what I mean? I felt it was far easier to just say “hi” as people walked past.
Mallaband-Brown 