New paintings and regular art updates.
Each morning I look for you
Remember cycling behind you
Along roads we knew
I listen for your key in the door
Your footstep on the stair
The sound of your voice
“come to bed – it’s late!”
The times I didn’t hear you
Switched off and ignored you.
I feel guilty for losing you
Not taking care of you….
A phone call to say you’re Ok
I’ll see you today?
Coming back,
Not gone forever
The mirror is broken
Lost forever
And I’m alone.
Time blurs everything. Thirty years ago I was doing a course at college and for a while I rented a small studio with two other artists. But it didnt work out. One of them was collecting egg boxes to try and insulate the walls as the place was freezing in the winter but also to try and deaden the noise of rock music one of the artists used to like playing. The windows had arched wooden frames that were quite architectural but they were single glazed. I only painted a few things but when I was there and the music was on it would drive me mad. Unfortunately I could only use the place in the evenings and that coincided with the rock sessions. So I gave it up in the end. Now I’m looking at leaving my current studio. It’s too expensive to carry on renting. If it is the choice between paying rent for it or paying the fuel bills I have to make the sensible choice.
Sky lightens
Black to blue
To greys
Clouded
My mind spins
Thoughts orbit
Won’t stay still
Words babble
Muddle,
Tired and befuddled
Where is sleep?
I’ve just watched this film for the first time in about 20 years. In turn comedic, poignant, rude, surprising and life affirming
There is a poem by W H Auden in it “stop all the clocks”, so sad and yet to the point. I felt myself starting to cry again. But it helped.
It’s a film from the early 1990’s and has a strong cast of actors including Hugh Grant as the main star. It follows him through the marriages of his friends and perhaps himself. And the death of a close friend.
If you’ve never watched it I think you will probably enjoy it.
Do you spend more time thinking about the future or the past? Why?
The past is behind me, I cannot change it. I want to, but it’s twisted up like knots or knitting. Tangled threads that tie everything in place. Nothing can escape again, so I say let it be. Don’t get caught in it’s net and be held back by the past.
The future is out of control without a time machine. Each step of the day splits and shatters into a miriad of gleaming shards. Each action reflects against the next and distorts the future more and more, until the never ending possibilities are too mixed up to see clearly.
So I prefer now. I grip it tightly and try to hang on, like holding a tiger by its tail as it thrashes about. I try and control it as much as I can, I never know if it will slip my grasp and fall apart. But I try.
I woke up from a nightmare where I’d lost my house keys and couldn’t get back in the house. I decided to have a quiet day. I haven’t been online much today. I decided to stay off the computer and basically played a game on my phone all day. It was diverting and took my mind off things. But I think I will delete the game. It’s a mindless matching hexagons game. It’s frustrating and fun at the same time. But half the time is t taken up by adverts. I tried to get past them as quickly as I could but they are intensely irritating and there’s no way I’m paying to avoid them. So I’m back to reality again….
Life falls like leaves
A tree denuded
War and Terror
Pace the lands
Look left or right
East or West
People suffer.
There is no safety
Bombs and Mines.
The World needs Peace
Where a shepherds flock
Can be led beside still waters.
Transforming hate into love.
I woke at 5.30am, unable to sleep, I was enveloped in waves of heat and cold from the covid virus. I couldn’t decide whether to snuggle under the duvet or throw it off. I lay listening to the news on the radio.
Just after 8am I came downstairs. I took my medication and prepared to light a candle for my hubby. Today was the day he would be cremated but circumstances meant I could not go to a funeral. Life isn’t always fair. Many friends and family had promised to light candles for him too and I spent an hour in calm and quiet peace thinking about my loss and contacting people who had left messages and thoughts on social media. What a strange way of doing things these days.
After breakfast I wondered if I should take another covid test, but decided I will wait till tomorrow to see. What would be the point of just confirming I was still ill. I continued to get messages and contacted friends and family.
I’ve cried and cried today. Little things like stories of people going through similar circumstances touched my heart. A film which was one of my hubbys favourites was on the TV. ‘The railway children’ is a sweet film and when it reached the end I started crying all over again.
Sleeping has helped this afternoon. I decided to ignore the fuel bills and have the heating on today. I was so tired at one point that my sandwich I’d made for tea slid off the plate and spilt all over the floor. I was not happy with myself.
I know these posts are not nice. I guess I’m just trying to document how I feel. If I explain perhaps it could help someone else? I don’t know.
Snack or meal? Trying to remember I need to eat vegetables as well as carbs, stuff I bought for my hubby has sat in the fridge for a couple of weeks. I didn’t want to cook. Easier to just buy cheap takeaway food. But that’s not good.
My portion sizes are still for two. So I will have to cook, then freeze or chill half of it. I guess it’s less energy to cook once and maybe microwave half of it later? Trouble is food still takes the same time to cook even if I halve the amounts… Life is a pain, but I must keep goingn
I just woke up from a dream. I was in the street and I heard footsteps clattering up behind me. I turned and it was my hubby. Hair blowing behind him, his jacket flapping. He said a couple of words, something like ‘I’m here’? But then I woke up.
It’s not much of a story, but it was comforting. The thought that he is around somewhere, even if its just in my imagination made me feel better.
Mallaband-Brown