Tag: Time

Now

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Do you spend more time thinking about the future or the past? Why?

The past is behind me, I cannot change it. I want to, but it’s twisted up like knots or knitting. Tangled threads that tie everything in place. Nothing can escape again, so I say let it be. Don’t get caught in it’s net and be held back by the past.

The future is out of control without a time machine. Each step of the day splits and shatters into a miriad of gleaming shards. Each action reflects against the next and distorts the future more and more, until the never ending possibilities are too mixed up to see clearly.

So I prefer now. I grip it tightly and try to hang on, like holding a tiger by its tail as it thrashes about. I try and control it as much as I can, I never know if it will slip my grasp and fall apart. But I try.

Quiet day

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I woke up from a nightmare where I’d lost my house keys and couldn’t get back in the house. I decided to have a quiet day. I haven’t been online much today. I decided to stay off the computer and basically played a game on my phone all day. It was diverting and took my mind off things. But I think I will delete the game. It’s a mindless matching hexagons game. It’s frustrating and fun at the same time. But half the time is t taken up by adverts. I tried to get past them as quickly as I could but they are intensely irritating and there’s no way I’m paying to avoid them. So I’m back to reality again….

A long day

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I woke at 5.30am, unable to sleep, I was enveloped in waves of heat and cold from the covid virus. I couldn’t decide whether to snuggle under the duvet or throw it off. I lay listening to the news on the radio.

Just after 8am I came downstairs. I took my medication and prepared to light a candle for my hubby. Today was the day he would be cremated but circumstances meant I could not go to a funeral. Life isn’t always fair. Many friends and family had promised to light candles for him too and I spent an hour in calm and quiet peace thinking about my loss and contacting people who had left messages and thoughts on social media. What a strange way of doing things these days.

After breakfast I wondered if I should take another covid test, but decided I will wait till tomorrow to see. What would be the point of just confirming I was still ill. I continued to get messages and contacted friends and family.

I’ve cried and cried today. Little things like stories of people going through similar circumstances touched my heart. A film which was one of my hubbys favourites was on the TV. ‘The railway children’ is a sweet film and when it reached the end I started crying all over again.

Sleeping has helped this afternoon. I decided to ignore the fuel bills and have the heating on today. I was so tired at one point that my sandwich I’d made for tea slid off the plate and spilt all over the floor. I was not happy with myself.

I know these posts are not nice. I guess I’m just trying to document how I feel. If I explain perhaps it could help someone else? I don’t know.

Cooking for one

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Snack or meal? Trying to remember I need to eat vegetables as well as carbs, stuff I bought for my hubby has sat in the fridge for a couple of weeks. I didn’t want to cook. Easier to just buy cheap takeaway food. But that’s not good.

My portion sizes are still for two. So I will have to cook, then freeze or chill half of it. I guess it’s less energy to cook once and maybe microwave half of it later? Trouble is food still takes the same time to cook even if I halve the amounts… Life is a pain, but I must keep goingn

He came to me

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I just woke up from a dream. I was in the street and I heard footsteps clattering up behind me. I turned and it was my hubby. Hair blowing behind him, his jacket flapping. He said a couple of words, something like ‘I’m here’? But then I woke up.

It’s not much of a story, but it was comforting. The thought that he is around somewhere, even if its just in my imagination made me feel better.

I hope they think I’m kind

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Tell us one thing you hope people say about you.

It says it all “# be kind”.

Why not? Why be horrible, unkind, cruel? To make life better for yourself by harming others? Too many dictators and politicians seem to think this way. Often they say populist things to the public, while making decisions that often go against their rhetoric. Looking to increase their power. Then again a lot CEOs pay themselves massive amounts above the lowest paid workers. 80 men earn more put together than half the world’s population, that’s about 4,000,000,000 (4 billion) people!

Kindness can be financial, or verbal, it might just be a gentle hug. It might be not enforcing unfair rules and laws that would be detrimental to different races, faiths, or sexualities. Often conflict is about us and them. Being unkind or treating people as ‘other’ or not ‘one of us’ is not what I support.

Basically it simply comes down to thinking about people, thinking what they need, and trying to help if you can, even if it’s only a few kind words. Be considerate, be kind.

Paintings for a friend

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Over several months a friend has been collecting some of my smaller paintings. She sent me this photo of them yesterday and it struck me how varied they are!

The galleon painting has gold paint on it to give a feeling of the sunlight reflecting back up onto the reverse of the sails.

The small painting of the woman in the woods was taken from a photo from a friend, I loved the atmospheric feeling of it and tried to evoke the colours of autumn.

The dragon is based on an image that I had created for my college piece on the mythology of dragons. I had drawn and designed a children’s book and this was one of the ideas I used for it.

I’m so pleased my art is being appreciated, I love being creative and it keeps me going. X

Guilt

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If only? What if? I’m feeling so guilty. Why didn’t I spot there was a problem earlier? All those months of things that were not quite right, we should have gone to the doctors. I should have insisted. Have I neglected you? When I argued with you to go it was only towards the end? Should I blame myself, I can’t blame you.

Was it bad communication? Fear? Not wanting to see what might be wrong? I don’t know, I just feel bad. I need a little rant to try and clear my head. I can’t stop time, or make it go back, I wish I could, what twists or turns would I reverse to have you back? No pact with a deity can change things now. Forever.

Five things?

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Share five things you’re good at.

Cooking. I don’t follow recipes but I can cook reasonable food. I like experimenting with flavours and my favourite treat is trifle,

Driving, I’m pretty good at driving, although developing cataracts may change this. Aging is such an annoying thing. I have good road awareness but I think I might go for an automatic car if I get another one.

Art, if you follow ti’s blog you will be aware of the art work that I do. I mainly use acrylic on canvas, but I sometimes paint in oils and watercolours and then digital art.

Reading? Is reading a skill? I’ve got over a thousand books on bookcases around the house. Reading helps keep my mind working. I don’t like reading devices, I prefer real books.

Singing, I have been a member of different choirs for several years now. It helps me take my mind off my worries. I have a quite deep speaking voice and sing low (alto/bass), I love singing in harmony. Life is making what you can of your talents.