Yawning, aching, eyes blurred, too many late nights watching TV or videos on my phone. I could sleep, but my feet hurt, which keeps me awake. Then I’m either too hot or too cold, or hubby snores, or kicks my ankle. Too many decaff coffees make it worse. Even if I don’t have lots of thoughts sometimes it difficult. I put a light on, if I read sometimes I can sleep, I hear the book drop, but I’m gone. Other times I put the radio on low, a murmur, but sometimes I catch a headline and have to listen…. So many reasons for NOT sleeping, and yet HE can just sleep, like that, so annoying! ❤️
Your mind is muddled, thoughts roll over and through your mind. Repeating over and over the things that went wrong in the day. Things pop into your mind from years ago. This is never ending, you start watching your alarm clock as minutes or hours tick by….
Then you remember, someone told you think of the word ‘THE’ nothing else, just ‘the’… Think of it slowly, over and over again…
Why? I think it’s because the word ‘the’ has no connotations, nothing to cling onto, while you are thinking ‘the’ you can’t think of anything else. It helps block roiling thoughts, and you just drift off to sleep. Honestly, over the last two months it has really helped. I don’t even remember drifting off, but then I sleep quite well….
Texting, I hate it, trying to think of the right words, how to put feelings into what you say, without appearing abrupt or rude. Today I had a text and each answering phrase I wrote was edited four or five times. You can’t put nuance into texts. If I were a poet I could add different ideas and concepts to help make things more clear. But texting is generally short and simple. But also not always considered. At one stage I hit the thumbs up symbol accidentally that was not appropriate. I wish I could have deleted it. All I could say was sorry.
WordPress keeps telling me my phone is full. I know! I keep trying to delete photos but it’s almost impossible. There are thousands of them. There’s lots of other things, I am not sure of half of what’s on here….
So I think I will have to buy more memory. Its funny how real memories are subsumed into a digital memory. If you don’t have a photo of it, it didn’t happen? Case in point, the recent death and funeral of the Queen. People have always recorded their lives throughout the ages, for example look at cave paintings. Then art throughout the ages, paintings for people who could pay, or sketches by people who had the means or ability to draw or paint. Then deguerreotypes (not sure of the spelling) became popular, painted portraits turned into slow motion photos that took time to take and heads had to be clamped in place to get a clear image. Box brownies, single lens reflex, eventually digital cameras, then phones which took a few photos. Now, the mobile phone is a hand held computer… But it still gets full.
The human mind can hold more information, but it’s not stored in a logical order. Links from the past suddenly reach out and grab your attention. Clearing a human brain of memory is not a good thing, and unless it happens through illness, age or injury, causing degradation of the brain structure, it is to be hoped that people can build memories (good or bad?), not lose them.
Wearing a jumper tonight. But I think I’m lucky, I have the money to buy a jumper. I can afford to put the heating up if I want. I have a roof over my head that hasn’t been damaged by the weather or fire or flooding. I have shops nearby I can go to, and a library I could visit if I want to stay warm. The world is a strange place. I am in a situation that a large percentage of the world would love to be in. But eighty men have more money between them than half the world’s population (about four billion). And now the UK government has given tax cuts to the richest here. In fact if you earn less than £100,000 a year you will be worse off.
Does fairness exist in the world? Yes, but not enough to go round. People are mostly uncaring, or worse still, selfish. So if you can, think of someone worse off than you, and try and help if you can. You could do that by physically or mentally helping, or even voting for monetary or environmental benefits.
At the moment I’m up and down. One minute trying to plan things, the next remembering what has happened. Disbelief is my main emotion. That and loss. I feel like writing things down is helping a bit, so I’m here, blogging and sharing my thoughts. I hope that’s OK for people. I’m gradually working things out, grateful that I have hubby, friends and family there for support. When you lose a relative it’s a shock. I have cried, I will cry again, how long for, I don’t know. Its turmoil and chaos sometimes, then I calm down for a while. X
The world is mixed up today. Something happened and I think it’s too personal and painful to recount here, so I’m not mentioning names, but I am writing to sort my thoughts out a little.
I have so many regrets, things I didn’t do, words I didn’t speak. Silence I didn’t break. Not because I was being mean, but because I lost track of time, I forgot to remember to keep in touch. And now I can’t speak, I can’t phone. Your voice has gone. Lost. Not forgotten, but hard to remember.
Years go by, we were not close, but we understood each other. Now there is nothing. I have consolation, hubby, family and friends, but I’m so sad. Goodbye. That’s all I can think.
Mallaband-Brown 