In memory

My mother died on midsummer  day several years ago, I was there when she passed away…. I feel very sad today, all my recent losses have really got me down. I wish I could turn the clock back. I wish there was a way to speak to her, to ask her opinions, although we often disagreed, we had interesting discussions rather than full blown arguments. I painted this portrait before she died.

She was a strong and independent woman, she had to look after us when my Dad died. There are many sad memories about that part of my life too. But I think I’ve said enough.

A few old sketches

Drawings from a few years ago at the Dorothy Clive garden that came up on my Facebook memories today. Happier days, when things were not so difficult. Sometimes time should be allowed to go backwards. Even if it’s like the film back to the future. A few hours to tweak the space time continuum. Then I could still be happy. But nil desperandum I need to get on with life. No regrets? I don’t think so.

Guilt

If only? What if? I’m feeling so guilty. Why didn’t I spot there was a problem earlier? All those months of things that were not quite right, we should have gone to the doctors. I should have insisted. Have I neglected you? When I argued with you to go it was only towards the end? Should I blame myself, I can’t blame you.

Was it bad communication? Fear? Not wanting to see what might be wrong? I don’t know, I just feel bad. I need a little rant to try and clear my head. I can’t stop time, or make it go back, I wish I could, what twists or turns would I reverse to have you back? No pact with a deity can change things now. Forever.

Regrets

The world is mixed up today. Something happened and I think it’s too personal and painful to recount here, so I’m not mentioning names, but I am writing to sort my thoughts out a little.

I have so many regrets, things I didn’t do, words I didn’t speak. Silence I didn’t break. Not because I was being mean, but because I lost track of time, I forgot to remember to keep in touch. And now I can’t speak, I can’t phone. Your voice has gone. Lost. Not forgotten, but hard to remember.

Years go by, we were not close, but we understood each other. Now there is nothing. I have consolation, hubby, family and friends, but I’m so sad. Goodbye. That’s all I can think.