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I lost him in December.
Since then my heart has been empty.
Now I’m alone, the universe seems cold.
Like Pandoras box, but with hope gone?
I have to carry on,
But it won’t be the same,
I’ve lost him, lost his name.
Lost my heart and soul.
Gone.
His birthday,
He was no fool
We would have had on this day
A walk by a pool?
It would have been a grand day
Even if it rained
The sun is shining today
But he’s not here, my friend.
I’m sitting feeling lonely
His life came to an end
He had so much to give
Love and hugs, not only
A great wish to live!
When he was young he used to climb
But I had no head for heights
He’d climb down cliffs
Or up tall pikes
While I stood by in fear
He’d disappear below my view
And I would cower in dread
Till he came back from his perch
On steps above the sea.
He never slipped, or dropped or fell
I was so proud of him
While I crawled on hands and knees
A victim of vertigo,
Atop the smallest hill!
Now he had fallen out of sight
Never to reappear
But I will wait and hope one day
I’ll join him safely, my fate?
My friend went for a walk today and stopped off at the ice-cream van where I lost my purse last week. And guess what? It was there! I spoke to the van driver over the phone and he was happy to give it my friend (she was with me last week). Even better, the money is still in it! She’s going to drop it off later. For once I feel things might be on the turn with my luck!
I’ve lost my favourite purse. Small and soft material, I’ve had it for years, it was getting scruffy but I loved it. I think I must have pulled it out of my pocket yesterday when I was out for a walk. I know I took money out to pay for something, but stuffed it back in because my friend paid. Then it’s a blur, perhaps as I took a tissue out it fell out. I’ve rung the place we visited but no one has handed it in. Someone has probably had the cash. I almost drove back today but thought better of it. Too late. I seem to be losing a lot of things at the moment. So upsetting.
After getting rid of my old armchairs yesterday, I was waiting for the delivery of the second hand replacements today. It’s been a few weeks since I chose them but I couldn’t have them till the old ones went.
I rang up the warehouse to check on the delivery. We will give you a call when the van is near you, within half an hour…
OK I said, so when I got a call I thought I was going to receive them. But no, we can’t find your chairs, they said. Can you come up and identify them? So I went.
Is that the chair you chose? Yes, but I chose two, there is only one? Oh, the woman said, I was off for a week and noticed one was missing when I got back? I was surprised and annoyed. You’ve sold the other one? It was reserved. I needed ones that will go through our front door (it’s narrow), and small so my feet touch the ground (I have short legs).
We looked everywhere but the other chair was gone. But I need two for when visitors come round. I was getting upset. Why do things always go wrong? Another volunteer said they have a similar chair on their van. They will bring it along tomorrow and I can decide if I want it or they will owe me one! I came home feeling dejected. I had to go to a charity for the chairs and so I don’t have the choice I would have in a store. I know it’s a first world problem but…..
By my side
Part of me
Has ripped away
Torn my heart
In half
Lub dub, Lub dub
It’s still pumping
Just.
I’m a little perplexed. I’ve been reading a, Brother Cadviael book over the past few nights, to take my mind off things. They are a series of mediaeval murder mysteries that I like. So when I came to bed I thought it would be waiting for me, but it isn’t. I was hot and bothered last night, so it might have fallen on the floor by the bed, but I can’t see it. I also went into the other room this morning but it’s not there either.
Things go missing sometimes, and generally that’s not a problem. I sometimes think there are borrowers in the house ( like the children’s book, with characters called Arrietty and Pod?). But at the moment I just want my book back. It’s out of place, out of possession and position. It’s bugging me. So I’m writing this as another distraction. Mysterious and also frustrating. I guess I will have to give up and go to sleep….
If only? What if? I’m feeling so guilty. Why didn’t I spot there was a problem earlier? All those months of things that were not quite right, we should have gone to the doctors. I should have insisted. Have I neglected you? When I argued with you to go it was only towards the end? Should I blame myself, I can’t blame you.
Was it bad communication? Fear? Not wanting to see what might be wrong? I don’t know, I just feel bad. I need a little rant to try and clear my head. I can’t stop time, or make it go back, I wish I could, what twists or turns would I reverse to have you back? No pact with a deity can change things now. Forever.
You went into the maze,
I don’t know where you went?
The dream got hazy
I turned round
And you were gone
I searched and searched
No trace of you
My soul is torn
In two.
Mallaband-Brown