Paperwork
Lots of paperwork
Things to do,
Things to sign
People to inform
Life isn’t just simple
What to cancel
What to keep
Bereavement
You can keep it!
Paperwork
Tag: Memory
Guilt
If only? What if? I’m feeling so guilty. Why didn’t I spot there was a problem earlier? All those months of things that were not quite right, we should have gone to the doctors. I should have insisted. Have I neglected you? When I argued with you to go it was only towards the end? Should I blame myself, I can’t blame you.
Was it bad communication? Fear? Not wanting to see what might be wrong? I don’t know, I just feel bad. I need a little rant to try and clear my head. I can’t stop time, or make it go back, I wish I could, what twists or turns would I reverse to have you back? No pact with a deity can change things now. Forever.
Medicine
What is something others do that sparks your admiration?
After my recent dealings with the NHS I have to share my admiration of the doctors, nurses and anciliary staff that work for it.
Many staff cared for my hubby, and he told me they were wonderfully caring, I can only echo this feeling.
I cannot say that all staff are the same, but the ones I met were so very helpful, I only wish we had sought medical advice earlier. But the illness he had was one that is difficult to detect and can be hard to treat.
The amount of knowledge and skills that they require is immense, having had some medical training myself I’m massively admiring of what they do. I only hope the NHS doesn’t fall apart under all the stresses and strains thrown at it by the pandemic, cost of living crisis, and cuts in funding including privatisation that robs it of some of its most important workers and skills.
Random art
An image of a punk woman came up on my Facebook memories today. I decided to draw another, older profile, thinking of the years that have passed since those days. I had done them both in the Artrage app. I then added texture and an overlay in photodirector. I’m trying to imagine it printed on old newspaper. Whatever I do, I have to draw.
Alone
Always by my side. Now I’m a widow. What a weird word. My fate was to be left behind. Yours was to leave first.
The cats keep looking for you. The house is quiet. No explosions of humour and excitement. Just full but empty. Echoing with your life. Your things are everywhere. Your books, your clothes, shoes, things. What do I do?
Lots of support, I’m organising and tidying. Getting advice. Looking for help. Trying to stay calm. Alert about my body, my health.
Time will pass, I will seek support, I must try and go on. Enough sadness for a whole lifetime has poured like molten metal into my heart, burning and breaking. But I must go on.
I can’t ask you
I turned to you to ask you a question. But you were not there. You cannot come back.
You were so knowledgeable, I could mention something and you knew the way my mind was working. You would ask me and be surprised by what I knew. We agreed that I had picked up a lot of knowledge from you. I recognise trains and tractors because of you. I could ask you about chemistry and physics. We would laugh and compete to answer TV quiz questions. Sometimes I would beat you, other times you would beat me. Most often it was a draw.
Thinking of you now I see a hole in the air where you were. A space unfilled by your spirit. You have gone ahead, like going to bed, and I don’t want to follow yet? My bonds are here on earth, close tied to friends and family. Don’t let me loose those bonds yet. I have obligations, how could I let the cats down? My family down. Please look over me and keep me safe in your heart as I hold you in mine.
Thoughts late at night.
Devon,
Do you have a favorite place you have visited? Where is it?
Dark cliffs that people sometimes dive off, sandy coves and dark rock pools. Big city Plymouth with it’s summery vibe, small shops in narrow streets in historic villages. Long drives overland to get to a beach half a mile away on the coast. There are lots of rivers and streams that need to be negotiated. The North coast and South coast are seperate by rolling green countryside and steep and craggy moorland. I want to go back. The old oak trees and cider are calling!
Sunset, 3 years old
I’d played with this photo of a sunset and posted it to Facebook three years ago. I think I was mesmerised by the colours. The branches add interesting structure and the chimney and small lights show humans existence in the world. I can’t recall where I took the original photo.
Chinese, Japanese, Indian
What are your family’s top 3 favorite meals?
We were introduced to more exotic food at quite an early age. My mother and father would take us out for meals to local restaurants. Mostly Chinese, but sometimes Indian eateries. It was there we learnt to use chopsticks. We ate tandoori or baltis. We never really ate anything too hot or spicy though. My favourite Indian meal had orange flavours in it, very mild, a house speciality of a local restaurant.
Then a few years ago I discovered a Japanese Restaurant near us. I had not really understood the difference between Chinese and Japanese food so it was a revelation. I soon got other family and friends to try the cuisine there. We sometimes have birthday meals there. I don’t think I have really explored world foods, but at least we have tried some.
The Stars like dust
What book are you reading right now?
I’m reading an old Issac Asimov book. The stars like dust. It’s one I had in the 70s and haven’t read it since.
Asimov mainly wrote books about robots and formulated the three laws of robotics. But this book is about galactic intrigue and the attempts of a young man called Biron Farill, who is the main character of the book, to escape the Tyrrani who rule the Galaxy and are trying to assassinate him.
I have completely forgotten the story, it feels old fashioned but has intrigue. I can imagine watching an old film, some of the settings, seem clunky. But it’s worth reading, and I’m enjoying it.
Mallaband-Brown 