Confidence, what’s that?

How would you rate your confidence level?

Yes, OK, I do have reasonable confidence levels after years of lacking it. I think you do become more confident as you get older and more experienced. But (and there is always a sneaky but in there) it can easily be knocked because I sometimes over think things, and then worry and anxiety knock my confidence.

Why? At various times I’ve been bullied in my life, and that makes you question what you are doing. It’s hard to give a robust explanation if the person bullying you is your manager. Then the ability to think things through is an advantage, to realise that you haven’t got it wrong, but it can knock your confidence.

Another thing is the feeling of imposter syndrome. When you get a job and then wonder why you feel confused by how you actually got there? So many responsibilities, and I’m doing it? Having to think up reasons why someone can get permission to do one thing, or be denied another? Get it right and the feeling of elation can give your confidence a boost.

But writing? Looking back at this I’m confident I’ve used too many clichés! Oh to be young with all the massive confidence people have these days? No, I think expecting everything to be wonderful all the time is a mistake. We have to learn from them to grow more confident.

Blue Thumb

One of the hazards of painting is getting covered in paint! I stuck my thumb in my pallette and splodge, all over my thumb. Luckily I didn’t get any on my clothes! I can wash acrylic off my hands, but once it’s dried it’s impossible to get out of your top or trousers. Oil paint can sometimes be removed as it’s slow drying and you can use thinners to remove it, but once acrylic is dry it’s solid like plastic. You might be able to peel a bit off but it gets in between the fibers and sticks. Anyway, I love this colour blue. Ultramarine? Not sure….

Photo experiment

Hubby did this in the 1980’s. It’s still up on the stairs. I don’t know how he did it. Is it a camera on a bench looking up to a lamp overhead and the hands interposed between the two? Or perhaps it’s a mirror on the wall with a tipped up lamp? I don’t even know if they are his hands, maybe he had someone place them in shot? It could be a bowl of water with a light reflected in it….

Do you know I’ve never asked him. Its just a dusty, fading photo. But it’s part of him, part of his idea of life, it expresses something about a younger person. Someone still in there.


sketch-1557095124218As a candidate at the recent local elections count I was surprised by the lack of seating for candidates, counting agents and guests inside the sports hall being used for counting the vote.

The staff counting the votes were all supplied with a seat but members of the public were not.

After being on my feet visiting houses for most of the day from early morning onwards, and particularly because I am no longer as fit and healthy as I used to be, I felt the lack of chairs or other seating was at the least an oversight, and to be honest pretty unfair. People ended up sitting on the floor  but not everyone can do that.

I managed to grab a chair early on during the count but was not able to use it through the whole evening. I shared it with others who were equally exhausted because of the work they had done over the day.

I think the local council should have taken into account the age and fitness of the candidates and their supporters. There were some quite elderly people there. People who stand for local elections are representative of the whole community. There has to be some level of fitness but standing up for 7 or 8 hours for the count is surely not feasible.