New paintings and regular art updates.
No presents hanging in stockings
No orange in the toe of the sock
There’s no chocolate or dolls
No perfume, or jigsaw puzzle
Sympathy cards replace Christmas ones.
The poinsettia is still in the shop
Your present has gone to a friend
We won’t open one each before breakfast
Old traditions wrung out
New ones yet to start.
Meanwhile I wait for snow or reindeer
Or Christian meditation and carols.
Who knows what happens next.
Shrodingers Cat has more idea
Of the future than I do.
Why? I didn’t follow community standards! I can’t see how to object or explain myself, we are ruled by AI!
What? I’m on it too much, I might be adding spam!
All I did was ask when people want to celebrate my hubbys life.
I asked people to say day or night. Lots of people have commented and I was either pressing love or like to their comments.
Now I’m not allowed back for 1 hour!
So if you are grieving don’t talk to people on Facebook. They clearly don’t like it. I’m angry and upset.
Don’t be afraid
Knock on my door
I’m here inside
Just waiting to say
Be my friend still
A hug or a hand
Would serve me well
Don’t go away
Leaving a card
But nothing to say?
I need you to stay
Keep me company
I need you today.
What could you do less of?
I just know I have to be calm and try and deal with life. I’ve got to try and worry less. That’s what my hubby kept telling me ‘don’t worry’.
I hope I can do that, anxiety levels have risen. Fears of what’s happening in the world, the level of cruelty and destruction and war seems to be worse than ever. Or is it just that it’s more reported? Don’t worry?
Of course I’m going to worry, I need to know I’m safe. That I can get my life sorted out for the next three or four years. I need stability, I need support, I have to be realistic.
But I will try not to worry too much.
A drawing from a while ago. It was called molecules. I was trying to find an image that describes my tangled brain. I think I’m OK, then I don’t know. I’m trying to do things, but I’m tied up inside a cotton sack, trying to find the way out.
Am I being dramatic? Perhaps, I have lots of thoughts about what I want to do, but the procrastination gets me all the time. The older I get, the less enthusiasm I have. Sorry, its just one of those nights. I’m watching a sad film and it’s getting to me. I sometimes feel time is running out. Grief is a tight knot. Like a molecule, twisting and turning. Time for some rest perhaps…… I’ll be OK….
The world keeps spinning and I’m still here, one year older. I feel, I don’t know? Like I need to change, to try and be positive. I have escaped from last week’s or years thoughts. Maybe I can gain some strength now I’m a year older and wiser? I have fractured thoughts…
Grief holds you tight, you interpret things in its light. Your expectations change. Fear and worry hold your hand. A loss of a sibling? Never to speak again…. Memories sneak up on you. You peek round a corner and they pounce on you. Birthdays, bad days, no joy. But now? Can I look forward not back? I must try…
My life is quite chaotic at the moment. Lots of things to do, plenty of time, but lack of inclination to do things. Procrastinating is my favourite pastime!
Everything is tangled up. I’m trying to organise and assess things, but failing. Thinking and worrying is not helping. I think I need to meditate or do some relaxation. It’s not that I don’t want to do things, but I think I’ve had my head in the sand for so many months, I don’t know how to drag it back out. I know this is self reflection, and I hope its a good thing. Writing it down might give me a push.
Grief has not helped. And now other people I know have died and that has knocked me back. I don’t want to think of the end of things. But I guess we should all make some plans? Sorry this is a bit random, maybe talking will help though.
Sleep, memory, chases my mind.
I remember we were twins
When you were still here
Now your shape is gone
A space left in my landscape
So before I weep again
Bring me more dreams of you
Here beside me
Her next to me
Sister, twin.
It’s another one of those nights. I lie down to sleep but my thoughts churn. I’m too hot, then too cold. I tried reading but hubby wants the light out, then he starts to snore. I came downstairs to get a drink, decaffeinated coffee, what a thrill?! I decided to treat myself to a slice of toast with hummus. Not very exciting. I know that at this rate it will be afternoon before I get up. One of the cats is on the armchair next to me, paw over his nose, keeping the light from the standard lamp out of his eyes. Oh to be a cat, curling up wherever you can. Warmed in a fur coat that is totally ethical. The house creaks at night, it’s old and not very well made. I think of my sister late at night. My chest does ache, but it might just be the cold I’ve had for the last few days. I guess I’ve got to learn to live with the loss. I’m still mourning her. Maybe tomorrow night I’ll get a better night’s sleep.
What do sad words mean?
Do they explain
Do they confer
Anything?
How do I say
What I feel?
Words are not easy
They don’t encapsulate
They don’t wrap you
In their arms.
They are just noise
Between people
When what I need
Is a hug?
Mallaband-Brown