What’s the matter now?

Posted on December 18, 2023December 18, 2023 Posted in Memories, UncategorizedTagged Grief, Hearing, Hearing aids, Life, marriage, Memory, my life, Pain, Sadness, Thinking, what's the matter now3 Comments

What’s the matter now? Became a response when my hubby couldn’t hear me properly. He was always having problems with his hearing aids. They made his ears sore. Or if he got his hair trapped they would whistle.

What’s the matter now? Was almost a catchphrase. I dreaded it, it meant he was irritated by me, or something was getting on his nerves.

Decades of living with someone, and you don’t know what will happen. Can you know someone well enough to be able to solve all their problems? Not in a normal life. It’s not all romance, it’s trying to give and take, accept difficulties. Putting doubts out of your mind. The marriage service has it right. The balance between sickness and health. Riches and poverty. Somehow you rub along.

I will be guilty for a long time for feeling I should have done more. To make everything OK? Not a chance, but I can wish. For now I will try and remember the ‘what’s the matter now?’ moments and try to accept that was part of our life too. If there is something after life I hope he forgives me. I don’t know what else to ask for of him. Processing grief is horrible but it has to be done.

No presents

Posted on December 18, 2023 Posted in UncategorizedTagged Christmas, Gone, Grief, Life, Mantlepiece, Poem, Poetry, Sadness, stockings, Tired, tradition2 Comments

No presents hanging in stockings

No orange in the toe of the sock

There’s no chocolate or dolls

No perfume, or jigsaw puzzle

Sympathy cards replace Christmas ones.

The poinsettia is still in the shop

Your present has gone to a friend

We won’t open one each before breakfast

Old traditions wrung out

New ones yet to start.

Meanwhile I wait for snow or reindeer

Or Christian meditation and carols.

Who knows what happens next.

Shrodingers Cat has more idea

Of the future than I do.

When things get worse

Posted on December 18, 2023December 18, 2023 Posted in UncategorizedTagged bad karma, Covid, hot and bothered, Ill, Runny nose, Sad, Sore throat, Swearwords, Tired4 Comments

Covid! I have avoided it for years. Now I’m hot and bothered sore tbroat, sniffles, bad head cold symptoms, dizzy, tired. But I didn’t realise till a friend said she had it. So I hunted down an old test kit. Lol and behold…. I’m gutted and worried. Wish me luck.

I wish this was my only problem now

Posted on December 17, 2023 Posted in Cat, Sketching, UncategorizedTagged Cat, Christmas tree, Decoration, Digital drawing, hugs, Life, Memory, Thinking, virtual hugs4 Comments

Digital drawing from three years ago.

Happy Christmas to you all.

I’ll try not to feel sad in the festive season.

Life must go on. I guess.

Sending virtual hugs out to anyone that needs them. I will think my way out of this. X

Cooking for one

Posted on December 17, 2023 Posted in UncategorizedTagged Cooking, cooking for two, Energy, Food, Learning, Microwave, portions, Single, Time, timing2 Comments

Snack or meal? Trying to remember I need to eat vegetables as well as carbs, stuff I bought for my hubby has sat in the fridge for a couple of weeks. I didn’t want to cook. Easier to just buy cheap takeaway food. But that’s not good.

My portion sizes are still for two. So I will have to cook, then freeze or chill half of it. I guess it’s less energy to cook once and maybe microwave half of it later? Trouble is food still takes the same time to cook even if I halve the amounts… Life is a pain, but I must keep goingn

Stuck in Wales

Posted on December 17, 2023 Posted in UncategorizedTagged bad luck, Breakdown, breakdown service, Car, clutch, Life, Now, Repair, Stuck, Wales2 Comments

My sister is broken down in a car in Wales, her clutch has gone. She’s been waiting for the breakdown service for about four hours! They keep saying they are sending someone but it’s getting late, and cold. Why they advertise a service when they can leave someone on their own late at night. So of course I’m worried about her. I will keep ringing her back until I know she is safe. I cannot go to her because she is about eighty miles away in a town I don’t know. So if you read this please just send her good wishes. X

Blue sky

Posted on December 16, 2023 Posted in Memories, UncategorizedTagged Clutter?, dragon fly, Flowers, Sky, too much stuff, tree of life, Wire weaving, Ygdrasil2 Comments

I have these hanging in my window. The top one is Ygdrasil, (not sure of the spelling), the tree of life. I don’t look at it very often but with the blue sky it was more visible. I do seem to collect a lot of stuff. The house is full of clutter. Some of it has got to go. But not these. The bottom one is flowers and a dragonfly. Both made by my talented wire weaving friend D.

Facebook just restricted me!

Posted on December 16, 2023 Posted in Memories, UncategorizedTagged against Facebook community standards!, Angry, ban, Grief, spam, unhelpful, Upset10 Comments

Why? I didn’t follow community standards! I can’t see how to object or explain myself, we are ruled by AI!

What? I’m on it too much, I might be adding spam!

All I did was ask when people want to celebrate my hubbys life.

I asked people to say day or night. Lots of people have commented and I was either pressing love or like to their comments.

Now I’m not allowed back for 1 hour!

So if you are grieving don’t talk to people on Facebook. They clearly don’t like it. I’m angry and upset.

Flowers

Posted on December 16, 2023 Posted in Memories, UncategorizedTagged Art, Flowers, Life, Loss, Memory, Photo, Poem, Poetry, remember, symmetrical2 Comments

They give you flowers

To salve your loss

To show they care.

I feel so grateful

To be remembered

But the need of a vase

Can be a problem.

I found one at last.

Flowers setted

Rejoyce in their beauty

He came to me

Posted on December 16, 2023 Posted in Memories, UncategorizedTagged Comfort, Dream, Gone, Hubby, Imagination, Life, Memory, running footsteps, Time2 Comments

I just woke up from a dream. I was in the street and I heard footsteps clattering up behind me. I turned and it was my hubby. Hair blowing behind him, his jacket flapping. He said a couple of words, something like ‘I’m here’? But then I woke up.

It’s not much of a story, but it was comforting. The thought that he is around somewhere, even if its just in my imagination made me feel better.

Mallaband-Brown

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