I found some new tools on my sketchbook app so I was playing around with them earlier. Not the most successful scribble but I think I understand it better now? I will try and make something more coherent next time I use it.
Scribble
Tag: Life
Dawn
Sky lightens
Black to blue
To greys
Clouded
My mind spins
Thoughts orbit
Won’t stay still
Words babble
Muddle,
Tired and befuddled
Where is sleep?
A better day
I went out in the car today. Only to a post office to send some documents off and get some shopping. The postmaster asked me what was in the envelope that was addressed to “the bereavement team”. When I said a copy of hubbys will and death certificate he was instantly sympathetic.
As a sign we might be living in the matrix, while I had been waiting in the queue I had spotted a box of cuppa soups that I like. After I’d handed over my letter I turned round to pick up the soup… Where was it. I stood for two or three minutes but could no longer see it. A glitch in the matrix? All the other boxes of soup I had spied were also missing. Perhaps I had dreamt it.
Then I went into a shop and got a cornish pasty and a chocolate brownie for tea. I noticed that the woman who served me had a runny nose and touched it with her hand before picking up the brownie. I got home washed my hands, microwaved the pasty, washed my hands, microwaved the brownie, washed my hands. I think I might have been overcautious but I’d rather be safe than sorry.
Now
Do you spend more time thinking about the future or the past? Why?
The past is behind me, I cannot change it. I want to, but it’s twisted up like knots or knitting. Tangled threads that tie everything in place. Nothing can escape again, so I say let it be. Don’t get caught in it’s net and be held back by the past.
The future is out of control without a time machine. Each step of the day splits and shatters into a miriad of gleaming shards. Each action reflects against the next and distorts the future more and more, until the never ending possibilities are too mixed up to see clearly.
So I prefer now. I grip it tightly and try to hang on, like holding a tiger by its tail as it thrashes about. I try and control it as much as I can, I never know if it will slip my grasp and fall apart. But I try.
Oh for a good night’s sleep
Distractions don’t work, I’m dreading the night, time for my mind to run riot. Put the radio on low? I just have to listen. I can’t stop myself. It’s too dark so I put the light on to feel safer. The cats jump on the bed but then want attention. My head spins. My circadian rythms are all over the place. A cup of cocoa doesnt work. Yawning now. 8.30am another sleepless night.
Mega hexa
Do you play in your daily life? What says “playtime” to you?
I’ve recently found a hexagonal game where you have to match up three or more hexagons to join them together and create a higher value hexagon. You get points when you join them, but you also have to avoid fully blocking the grid you play on or you lose. Most of the time you get dual hexagons with two seperate numbers, but sometimes you get a duplicated number, or a single hexagon. Merging hexagons clear spaces and if you make a big enough number the lowest hexagons are removed from the grid. You can rotate the hexagons to put them in better positions to link them up. My highest score was over 56000.
You can tell from this description that I’ve been playing it a lot lately. It’s mind numbing and distracting me from the outside world. I think its called mega hexa? Avoid if you don’t want to get addicted to it!
Smudged nose
All my cats have black patches on their noses. Apparently the black in cats is actually a type of tabby (ginger) and sometimes in bright sunlight you can even see stripes where part of the coat has faded. Most of the cats I have had have been black and white, none of them were pedigree and a lot of them were cool characters. One particular cat was very intelligent. She came when I whistled or called, but would also jump across gaps when I called her and liked to ride on my shoulder. She was a stray when we got her and lived to a good age of around 19.
Want to get a pet with an independent personality? Think of adopting a rescue cat!
Doodling
I didn’t cry on New Years day.
I didn’t weep at all
I felt sad and tired
But I’d run out of tears today.
Screwed my eyes up…
Nothing came,
No lachrymose rivulets
Running down my cheeks
I drew a doodle
Of a woman crying
That was all I could do.
Almost the end
Short days, the candle is nearly out. Darkness floats by my eyes as I look into the garden. Cold wind and rain is making it chilly and damp. Memory tugs at my mind, pulling my mouth down at the corners. But I caught myself laughing a couple of times today.
Where will I be at the end of next year? Will I find the safety and solace I seek. Will I manage on my own. Decades of being a couple makes it difficult to predict. I’m trying to explain how I feel about things. I feel like I did when I left school after that being my whole life. The cliff edge is close, my hubby could climb down cliffs while I cowered at the top. I don’t like them. I want to be settled and secure. Oh well, we will see….
Quiet day
I woke up from a nightmare where I’d lost my house keys and couldn’t get back in the house. I decided to have a quiet day. I haven’t been online much today. I decided to stay off the computer and basically played a game on my phone all day. It was diverting and took my mind off things. But I think I will delete the game. It’s a mindless matching hexagons game. It’s frustrating and fun at the same time. But half the time is t taken up by adverts. I tried to get past them as quickly as I could but they are intensely irritating and there’s no way I’m paying to avoid them. So I’m back to reality again….
Mallaband-Brown 