New paintings and regular art updates.
Distractions don’t work, I’m dreading the night, time for my mind to run riot. Put the radio on low? I just have to listen. I can’t stop myself. It’s too dark so I put the light on to feel safer. The cats jump on the bed but then want attention. My head spins. My circadian rythms are all over the place. A cup of cocoa doesnt work. Yawning now. 8.30am another sleepless night.
Do you play in your daily life? What says “playtime” to you?
I’ve recently found a hexagonal game where you have to match up three or more hexagons to join them together and create a higher value hexagon. You get points when you join them, but you also have to avoid fully blocking the grid you play on or you lose. Most of the time you get dual hexagons with two seperate numbers, but sometimes you get a duplicated number, or a single hexagon. Merging hexagons clear spaces and if you make a big enough number the lowest hexagons are removed from the grid. You can rotate the hexagons to put them in better positions to link them up. My highest score was over 56000.
You can tell from this description that I’ve been playing it a lot lately. It’s mind numbing and distracting me from the outside world. I think its called mega hexa? Avoid if you don’t want to get addicted to it!
All my cats have black patches on their noses. Apparently the black in cats is actually a type of tabby (ginger) and sometimes in bright sunlight you can even see stripes where part of the coat has faded. Most of the cats I have had have been black and white, none of them were pedigree and a lot of them were cool characters. One particular cat was very intelligent. She came when I whistled or called, but would also jump across gaps when I called her and liked to ride on my shoulder. She was a stray when we got her and lived to a good age of around 19.
Want to get a pet with an independent personality? Think of adopting a rescue cat!
I didn’t cry on New Years day.
I didn’t weep at all
I felt sad and tired
But I’d run out of tears today.
Screwed my eyes up…
Nothing came,
No lachrymose rivulets
Running down my cheeks
I drew a doodle
Of a woman crying
That was all I could do.
Life costs money
The more I think about things the more I wonder how I will manage my finances. My hubby was the main breadwinner, recently I’d given up work to look after him because of his health. We had the cushion of his money coming in over those years and I got used to it. Now? A lot smaller income. Probably a third of what we were getting. Savings will have to be made. I don’t know if I can afford to keep my car. All expensive bills come in January. I’m dreading it. But I think I will cope. If not I will try and get a job.
Wishing you a good new year
With laughter and full of cheer.
May your days be bright
Lit by the sun’s starlight
Have plenty to eat
Savory and sweet
May your dreams come true
For all of you.
Love and peace to the world
As the new year is unfurled.
As Julian of Norwich wrote so many years ago.
“All shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of things shall be well.”
Short days, the candle is nearly out. Darkness floats by my eyes as I look into the garden. Cold wind and rain is making it chilly and damp. Memory tugs at my mind, pulling my mouth down at the corners. But I caught myself laughing a couple of times today.
Where will I be at the end of next year? Will I find the safety and solace I seek. Will I manage on my own. Decades of being a couple makes it difficult to predict. I’m trying to explain how I feel about things. I feel like I did when I left school after that being my whole life. The cliff edge is close, my hubby could climb down cliffs while I cowered at the top. I don’t like them. I want to be settled and secure. Oh well, we will see….
Safe place
Staying home
Don’t want to go out
Into the world
This is my cocoon
Wrapped round me
His presence
His garden
My solace
Seeking salvation
My sanctuary.
I woke up from a nightmare where I’d lost my house keys and couldn’t get back in the house. I decided to have a quiet day. I haven’t been online much today. I decided to stay off the computer and basically played a game on my phone all day. It was diverting and took my mind off things. But I think I will delete the game. It’s a mindless matching hexagons game. It’s frustrating and fun at the same time. But half the time is t taken up by adverts. I tried to get past them as quickly as I could but they are intensely irritating and there’s no way I’m paying to avoid them. So I’m back to reality again….
Sleeping is a issue yet again. I’m either too cold or too hot. Lost without my hubby who passed away three weeks ago. I really have a heavy heart. I just spent the last hour or so remembering things we did in the past. Going for bike or tandem rides when we were younger. The feeling of almost flying along, racing each other down hills (I was always more cautious). How he took in a stray cat a few years ago that had come limping into our garden, it turned out to have been abandoned by it’s owner. That cat is now sleeping on hubbys bodywarmer. I think it misses him as much as I do. It’s almost 5am. Going to make a cocoa.
Mallaband-Brown