New paintings and regular art updates.
Not talking today, it’s just easier not to.
I could ring friends but why bother
They can’t change things
Having time to rest
Think about life
The future
Then I watched Its a wonderful life
With James Stewart
And I cried
And cried.
That feels better.
There is hope.
An image of a punk woman came up on my Facebook memories today. I decided to draw another, older profile, thinking of the years that have passed since those days. I had done them both in the Artrage app. I then added texture and an overlay in photodirector. I’m trying to imagine it printed on old newspaper. Whatever I do, I have to draw.
Dear Me
It’s been a horrible few days. I’m worried and scared, but I must try and cope. Remember to breathe, don’t hide away. Memories of other situations make me want to do this.
I remember my mom when my dad died, she sat on the settee in the darkness for three days, in the end I wrote her a letter and asked her to look after us, her children. I think that finally got through to her. She seemed to respond.
Writing this is just a way of talking to myself, but to share with others, maybe it is something to think about for other people?
What’s your favorite cartoon?
If I shouldn’t use this image I will delete it.
This was my favourite cartoon whan I was growing up. The stories were funny and cheeky. Asterix and his huge best friend Obelix would take a magic potion if they were going to fight the Romans so that they would have massive strength and defeat their opponents.
The tribe of Celts they lived with were a motley band, the Chief was scared that the sky was going to fall on his head, so his guards had to hold a large sheid over his head to stop it landing on him.
There was a wizard with a long white beard that made the potion. I think he was called Get-a-fix?
Obelix was a massive figure and would carve standing stones and carry them around. He was always trying to get extra potion.
I loved the books and would draw the characters endlessly to try and get my skills at copying images honed. At one stage I think I had all of them.
Don’t be afraid
Knock on my door
I’m here inside
Just waiting to say
Be my friend still
A hug or a hand
Would serve me well
Don’t go away
Leaving a card
But nothing to say?
I need you to stay
Keep me company
I need you today.
I had various things to do today. Part of arranging my late hubbys final passing. I find it hard to know what to say. My friend came with me to help and we went in the local pub to get a hot chocolate and try and take my mind off things.
Thinking about what hubby wanted I have chosen something very simple and have asked people to think about him on the date and time of the cremation as I am not having a service (we discussed things a while ago). I thought it better to explain so people know well on advance and don’t ask to attend a service.
I really want a celebration of his life, but it will be after Christmas because something so sad needs thought, and the festive season is looming,
Looking out the window, the world was zooming past, unaware of how my day was going. I’m glad we had a break…..
What could you do less of?
I just know I have to be calm and try and deal with life. I’ve got to try and worry less. That’s what my hubby kept telling me ‘don’t worry’.
I hope I can do that, anxiety levels have risen. Fears of what’s happening in the world, the level of cruelty and destruction and war seems to be worse than ever. Or is it just that it’s more reported? Don’t worry?
Of course I’m going to worry, I need to know I’m safe. That I can get my life sorted out for the next three or four years. I need stability, I need support, I have to be realistic.
But I will try not to worry too much.
What positive events have taken place in your life over the past year?
Those who read this blog will know that for more than a year I’ve been facing problems. Not as severe as in other parts of the world, but personal ones.
I was lucky to get some counselling and then earlier this year cognitive behavioural therapy. I would encourage anyone who is struggling to go for either of them. I can’t explain, but I feel more in control of the situation than I think I would have done without them. Talking therapy does work.
Now I’m going through more problems, and looking back, well I can see some clues of how I can cope. It won’t be easy.
Sympathy cards appear through the door. I am thankful for them too. I wish people would knock on the door though, so I can say thank you. I think people are afraid of hurting me. I would say when you are in grief every hug counts.
Always by my side. Now I’m a widow. What a weird word. My fate was to be left behind. Yours was to leave first.
The cats keep looking for you. The house is quiet. No explosions of humour and excitement. Just full but empty. Echoing with your life. Your things are everywhere. Your books, your clothes, shoes, things. What do I do?
Lots of support, I’m organising and tidying. Getting advice. Looking for help. Trying to stay calm. Alert about my body, my health.
Time will pass, I will seek support, I must try and go on. Enough sadness for a whole lifetime has poured like molten metal into my heart, burning and breaking. But I must go on.
I turned to you to ask you a question. But you were not there. You cannot come back.
You were so knowledgeable, I could mention something and you knew the way my mind was working. You would ask me and be surprised by what I knew. We agreed that I had picked up a lot of knowledge from you. I recognise trains and tractors because of you. I could ask you about chemistry and physics. We would laugh and compete to answer TV quiz questions. Sometimes I would beat you, other times you would beat me. Most often it was a draw.
Thinking of you now I see a hole in the air where you were. A space unfilled by your spirit. You have gone ahead, like going to bed, and I don’t want to follow yet? My bonds are here on earth, close tied to friends and family. Don’t let me loose those bonds yet. I have obligations, how could I let the cats down? My family down. Please look over me and keep me safe in your heart as I hold you in mine.
Thoughts late at night.
Mallaband-Brown