Today is a hiding day. Lots of thoughts and fears roaming around the inside of my head. I need to get things done but I don’t feel like doing them. I’m going to give myself some slack, just a few hours to feel safe.
Yesterday I was more optimistic, I got some things done I’d been putting off. I’ve even started my gratitude book again. And later I will go out as the cats won’t have anything to eat if I don’t. But yesterday afternoon something happened that put everything into another perspective. And I just froze. I’m only hinting, I’m not going to say, and I think I will be OK, it was something mental not physical. I’m OK. I will be OK.
Someone spotted the type of car this is. I posted it on my previous post. But it’s not my car.
You can use a free picture library here that will provide you with a free image. I use it when I don’t want to share information that identifies specific details about me. I know that people can do reverse image checks and get your details. I don’t think that’s a good idea. I trust WordPress more than some other sites but even so it’s a risk to share stuff that people could use against you. That’s why I don’t share pet and family names either. I’m not being rude, just careful. X
From the Internet ‘Kintsugi, (literally gold seams) is a traditional repair method that takes the broken or chipped parts of cherished vessels, glues them back together with a Japanese lacquer, and paints the seams with gold or silver powder.’
I’ve taken that idea to create this possibly last portrait of my hubby. It’s called ‘Mend Him’, and it’s my wish to put him back together again. It’s a bit rough and ready, but it expresses my feeling of loss. I think it captures his tiredness as he got older… I started this a few months before he died.
I miss him so much and if I could I would mend him, turn back time, use any power available to restore him to his best. X
I gave up work to look after my hubby and try and set up as an artist. Sadly circumstances mean that he is no longer here and I don’t have the possibility of keeping my artists studio.
I won’t stop painting though, creativity is my reason for living. Despite health issues I cannot give it up. So I suppose really I do have a job, but it’s very much part time. I will still accept commissions and do my best to produce quality art work. I hope I continue long into the future, drawing on these recent events to produce new art.
Hubby on a swing we found, at the edge of a field a couple of years ago on a country walk. Soon he was flying up to the sky! Luckily the rope didn’t give way.
When covid was going on we actually went walking more, getting away from the city and people, then when lock down ended we continued but with more friends. This was one of those occasions.
Later I stopped walking as much after badly pulling a muscle, but we were trying to get back into walking when I trapped my leg in the car door and that resulted in a wound that took months to heal. We were just getting back into walking when my hubbys health deteriorated and he passed away. The universe seems against me!
I think I need company to get back out again. I don’t like walking on my own, easier to hide.
A local author and friend, called Fred Hughes, wrote an article on Facebook and in our local paper talking about how, as he has grown older, he has found himself crying more. One example he gives is when the Leopard Hotel in Burslem, Stoke-on-Trent, burnt down two years ago. He lives nearby and found himself bought to rears because of all his memories of what had happened in that place, meeting people, enjoying good company and hospitality. He said that apparently hormonal changes can affect men because they are bought up to be stoic and strong. It must be a real shock to the system to allow grief and sadness out.
I think crying is good for you. Women do seem to be able to cry more often? I have wailed and cried and felt deep grief recently, not least because of the Leopard fire. The last two years have affected me a lot with various events. I’m not a stoic person although I try, when you have worked with people you have to try and stay professional. But without crying I would have exploded!
How do significant life events or the passage of time influence your perspective on life?
When someone close dies you realise how fragile life is. They can be there one day and gone the next. You then realise the same can be the situation for yourself.
I’m changing my perspective on life, I am not so blasé about it. It’s become precious to me and I want to hold on to it with both hands. I’m not exactly scared of dying, but life is far too interesting to give up on it yet. I’m a very stubborn person and I love a lot of people. They have helped me immensely in the last few months and I owe a lot to them.
I also want to try and enjoy art again. There must be something more I can do. There are lots of ideas in my mind that I would like to get out. I can’t control everything, and sometimes I am very anxious about things, I feel like I am a bit of a recluse now. Easier to hide. But I need to challenge myself and live.