New paintings and regular art updates.
Ouch! Kneading my leg, pulling holes in my leggings. I know you love me but that hurt! Sharp claws might be a good hunting tool for cats, but my flesh is punctured! I love you dearly, but sometimes you dig in too hard. Please get off my lap. I’m off to get a drink and a few painkillers!
His birthday,
He was no fool
We would have had on this day
A walk by a pool?
It would have been a grand day
Even if it rained
The sun is shining today
But he’s not here, my friend.
I’m sitting feeling lonely
His life came to an end
He had so much to give
Love and hugs, not only
A great wish to live!
I have a sore toe, I must have knocked it.. I had a trip to the podiatrist today, we discussed things and think I must have stubbed my foot against something. Unfortunately I am now walking around with a dressing on it. I hope it stays in place. I’m not going into detail but if it hasn’t dried up by next week I might have to have more work on it.
Age is a nuisance, your body doesn’t always work properly and you have things going on you never expect to happen. I’m hoping I can get over this and keep going. Life is a pain sometimes and we don’t get to choose what and when things happen.
I need one if those old fashioned ‘intermission’ films they used to show between films at a Saturday matinee at the cinema to relax my mind. Gentle music and the sight of a potters wheel twirling might help me to sleep. I’ve forgotten the various little strategies I use to try and fall asleep. Pain and discomfort have held my mind up like a theif of sleep. Haunting me in the night. A few, drowsy thoughts and I’m awake again, sometimes disturbed by a heartbeat out of turn or the patter of cats paws. I have things to do today and I didn’t want to be tired. 6am…..goodnight, I will try counting sheep
Sky lightens
Black to blue
To greys
Clouded
My mind spins
Thoughts orbit
Won’t stay still
Words babble
Muddle,
Tired and befuddled
Where is sleep?
What’s the matter now? Became a response when my hubby couldn’t hear me properly. He was always having problems with his hearing aids. They made his ears sore. Or if he got his hair trapped they would whistle.
What’s the matter now? Was almost a catchphrase. I dreaded it, it meant he was irritated by me, or something was getting on his nerves.
Decades of living with someone, and you don’t know what will happen. Can you know someone well enough to be able to solve all their problems? Not in a normal life. It’s not all romance, it’s trying to give and take, accept difficulties. Putting doubts out of your mind. The marriage service has it right. The balance between sickness and health. Riches and poverty. Somehow you rub along.
I will be guilty for a long time for feeling I should have done more. To make everything OK? Not a chance, but I can wish. For now I will try and remember the ‘what’s the matter now?’ moments and try to accept that was part of our life too. If there is something after life I hope he forgives me. I don’t know what else to ask for of him. Processing grief is horrible but it has to be done.
Always by my side. Now I’m a widow. What a weird word. My fate was to be left behind. Yours was to leave first.
The cats keep looking for you. The house is quiet. No explosions of humour and excitement. Just full but empty. Echoing with your life. Your things are everywhere. Your books, your clothes, shoes, things. What do I do?
Lots of support, I’m organising and tidying. Getting advice. Looking for help. Trying to stay calm. Alert about my body, my health.
Time will pass, I will seek support, I must try and go on. Enough sadness for a whole lifetime has poured like molten metal into my heart, burning and breaking. But I must go on.
What is your favorite form of physical exercise?
I haven’t been able to do much walking recently. Injury will do that. I used to love running and cycling, but I got a car and that was my biggest mistake. A sedentary job didn’t help either.
I tried to get into walking with a friend, that happened for a year, then I pulled a calf muscle which caused a lot of pain. For months. After that I started again. Only to hurt myself again! I literally feel like I’ve taken one step forward and two back. But I will try again, it’s cheaper than driving and better for the environment. Don’t get a car unless you have to!
Pain attacks from different directions
Trundles like an army on alternative fronts
I need to relax
Let my body un-tense
Then the pain flows away
Fear and stress exacerbate
Anxiety cramps me up
But starting to understand
I can calm my impulses
Like a frozen bag of peas
Soothes the army of pain
Descalating aches
Deflating anguish.
Ouchies it hurts
I’ve slept badly
Twisted and turned
Sat up with the cat
Sitting on my chest.
Feels like it’s breaking
Splitting in half
At waist height
I don’t feel bright!
Mallaband-Brown