How do significant life events or the passage of time influence your perspective on life?
When someone close dies you realise how fragile life is. They can be there one day and gone the next. You then realise the same can be the situation for yourself.
I’m changing my perspective on life, I am not so blasé about it. It’s become precious to me and I want to hold on to it with both hands. I’m not exactly scared of dying, but life is far too interesting to give up on it yet. I’m a very stubborn person and I love a lot of people. They have helped me immensely in the last few months and I owe a lot to them.
I also want to try and enjoy art again. There must be something more I can do. There are lots of ideas in my mind that I would like to get out. I can’t control everything, and sometimes I am very anxious about things, I feel like I am a bit of a recluse now. Easier to hide. But I need to challenge myself and live.
The sweetest girl at just came to sit next to me. She’s now on the back of my chair keeping warm above the radiator.
I’m fed up of grey days and early sunsets, drizzling rain and sadness. I think about writing gratitudes again. I have health worries that I need investigating. I need to stop hiding in the house, but sometimes it’s easier to stay inside. BUT at least I have my sweet cats for company. They are companion animals. They help.
Can you share a positive example of where you’ve felt loved?
I have felt nothing but positive support since my hubby died. I just want to say how much I love everyone who has helped me. I want to thank them all for that support that has been and still is getting me through things.
There is so much they have done, checking up on me,making me realise I’m not alone. I have been there when I was ill, given me time when I was sad and miserable. Things will never be the same, but I realise how much my friends mean to me and meant to my hubby.
When something happens to a relative or partner no one explains what you need to do. If you’ve never done it before it can be daunting and if you don’t know what services are out there where do you start?
Children might learn civics at school but adults can’t attend bereavement classes as far as I’m aware. Maybe that should be my mission, to set up a group to help. But at the moment I’m not up to doing that. However I have found out a few things that might help if you live in the UK.
Firstly you need to register the death if that is your responsibility. In England there are local registrars of births, deaths and marriages. You need to make an appointment to do this. They will issue original death certificates. Also contact funeral directors to decide what sort of funeral you want (and can afford).
Once you have the death certificates you will be able to nominate your funeral director to release the body. They will then make arrangements for the funeral. There are now direct or simple cremations that are basic and if you are left in financial difficulty they might be the most suitable. I felt guilty but had discussed this with my partner because we knew he was very ill.
Find out from the department of work and pensions if you are entitled to a funeral or bereavement allowance. The funeral allowance depends on whether you are on an income based allowance. The bereavement payment does not, and gives a small lump sum plus a monthly payment for 18 months.
Find out if you are a beneficiary for your partners private pension if they have one. If you have both written wills make sure you have nominated each other for this. I had to send the death certificate and will plus other information off to the company. Make sure you know each other’s national insurance numbers so that you can quote it if required. Ideally you would also know the policy number (keep paperwork! Don’t throw it away, you never know what you need).
Think about contacting an advice line or charity for financial support, it may be that they can put you in touch with fuel suppliers, water suppliers, and other companies. If your income is suddenly reduced you need to know how you can pay bills. There are charities and trusts out there that might be able to help with grants.
Contact solicitors to discuss rewriting your will if your partner has passed away. This may also require changing the executors of a will and also what to do if you need to go to probate (not something that I have dealt with yet).
Advise other companies like banks, phone suppliers and other groups to transfer their account into your name if you are the sole beneficiary or if these need to go to probate to determine the best way to share out any estate.
By now my head was buzzing. Every time I think I’ve done everything something else comes up. Above all don’t think you can do everything at once. Give yourself time to grieve and take care of yourself.
Short days, the candle is nearly out. Darkness floats by my eyes as I look into the garden. Cold wind and rain is making it chilly and damp. Memory tugs at my mind, pulling my mouth down at the corners. But I caught myself laughing a couple of times today.
Where will I be at the end of next year? Will I find the safety and solace I seek. Will I manage on my own. Decades of being a couple makes it difficult to predict. I’m trying to explain how I feel about things. I feel like I did when I left school after that being my whole life. The cliff edge is close, my hubby could climb down cliffs while I cowered at the top. I don’t like them. I want to be settled and secure. Oh well, we will see….
Mallaband-Brown 