New paintings and regular art updates.
Crying is cathartic
Tears relieve stress
But do they ever stop?
Many more to come
Will they ever end
When will they be done?
Quiet nights are worst
But even in the day
Tears will still fall
Thinking, all alone
In my little home
Sadness overwhelms.
Looking forward’s hard
Past this veil of tears
Into future years…
When do you feel most productive?
I usually feel better in summer, at the moment the daylight is increasing and I feel slightly more productive. I somehow usually come out of myself in the spring, and as the season progresses I feel more enthusiastic.
This year? I don’t know, I’ve spent a lot of time just staring at things. My motivation is really low. I don’t go out much so I probably low on vitamin D. I will try and get over the feeling of sadness and anxiety. I would like to be more productive as the days lengthen. I will have to see what happens.
Looking at these kittens from 7 years ago cheers me up. The sun is shining, there is a nice film on the TV. But I really feel down and anxious. I want to talk to someone, but everyone has their own lives to lead and I don’t want to bother them. I could ring up but my phone is on the blink. I talk but the person at the other end can’t hear me although I can hear them. I feel like it’s a metaphor (is that the right word?) for my life, frustrated and worried. Will things ever be good again? Will I find a modicum of happiness? I don’t know.
We sat and planned places to go. He wanted to go to the East coast and Scotland. I wanted to go to Devon and the Lake district. We thought over the next few years we would visit places like Cardiff or the Angel of the North.
It would be our big adventure. The time would be set aside, we would get cat sitters and take a few days away. Not months, but enough to explore places.
What was stopping us? I was nervous of driving long distances after developing shakes a couple of years ago. He didn’t drive because of his anxiety. But I’d hoped that I would have a diagnosis and get better. I would have loved to go to those places.
But things happened, Covid came and went, trains were unreliable, neither of us liked coaches, we preferred the freedom of our car. In the last year though we drove less than 500 miles. We stuck to places we knew and enjoyed.
Why am I mentioning this? Watching TV, seeing a destination that I might still visit, but without him? What’s the point? He was my partner, life time companion, friend, and I want him back!
His birthday,
He was no fool
We would have had on this day
A walk by a pool?
It would have been a grand day
Even if it rained
The sun is shining today
But he’s not here, my friend.
I’m sitting feeling lonely
His life came to an end
He had so much to give
Love and hugs, not only
A great wish to live!
Today is a hiding day. Lots of thoughts and fears roaming around the inside of my head. I need to get things done but I don’t feel like doing them. I’m going to give myself some slack, just a few hours to feel safe.
Yesterday I was more optimistic, I got some things done I’d been putting off. I’ve even started my gratitude book again. And later I will go out as the cats won’t have anything to eat if I don’t. But yesterday afternoon something happened that put everything into another perspective. And I just froze. I’m only hinting, I’m not going to say, and I think I will be OK, it was something mental not physical. I’m OK. I will be OK.
Someone spotted the type of car this is. I posted it on my previous post. But it’s not my car.
You can use a free picture library here that will provide you with a free image. I use it when I don’t want to share information that identifies specific details about me. I know that people can do reverse image checks and get your details. I don’t think that’s a good idea. I trust WordPress more than some other sites but even so it’s a risk to share stuff that people could use against you. That’s why I don’t share pet and family names either. I’m not being rude, just careful. X
What strategies do you use to cope with negative feelings?
My gratitude book it is blank
I feel like I’ve nothing to thank
Thinking all things are bad
When there is some good
But I keep on getting so sad…
I may try and fill in the blank
Pages with three thoughts a day
But it’s been so hard
To find the right way
I really don’t know what to say.
Words and drawings
For over a year
I collected my
Thoughts so dear
But then in December
Bad things I remember
Made me give up
On any small cheer.
I’ll start again one day
If my troubles do go away
My mind is in rubble
With no happy bubble
I hope that’s not how I will stay.
From the Internet ‘Kintsugi, (literally gold seams) is a traditional repair method that takes the broken or chipped parts of cherished vessels, glues them back together with a Japanese lacquer, and paints the seams with gold or silver powder.’
I’ve taken that idea to create this possibly last portrait of my hubby. It’s called ‘Mend Him’, and it’s my wish to put him back together again. It’s a bit rough and ready, but it expresses my feeling of loss. I think it captures his tiredness as he got older… I started this a few months before he died.
I miss him so much and if I could I would mend him, turn back time, use any power available to restore him to his best. X
Do you enjoy your job?
I gave up work to look after my hubby and try and set up as an artist. Sadly circumstances mean that he is no longer here and I don’t have the possibility of keeping my artists studio.
I won’t stop painting though, creativity is my reason for living. Despite health issues I cannot give it up. So I suppose really I do have a job, but it’s very much part time. I will still accept commissions and do my best to produce quality art work. I hope I continue long into the future, drawing on these recent events to produce new art.
Mallaband-Brown