I miss them…

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One if the worst things about the Internet is when people disappear and you don’t know where they have gone.

I have ‘lost’ a few people here recently. Perhaps it’s a new year and they have cancelled their membership, or decided blogging isn’t for them. Some of them had become friends, or I’d invested some time in reading their blogs. Some explained that this wasn’t working and they were going, others just disappeared. I can’t help saying I miss them. One person passed away. I knew she had been ill and I was sad to find out she was gone. At least there was a message put on her page to say she had died. I could grieve. But sometimes there is nothing, they become ghosts in my memory, sitting there, with no explanation. Then there are people who’s pages on Facebook are still open despite having died two or three years ago. Each time I see their faces on my friends list I feel sorrow, and yet it would feel wrong to ‘unfollow’ them. What to do. The etiquette of the Internet.. We need to learn.

Necklace

I thought I would post an old picture of one of my necklaces from my Facebook memories. I made the glass cabochon at a glass workshop with someone called Angela Ashton. She has moved away and I would like to find somewhere else to do this. The wire weaving is by my friend, I need to chase her to try and get some pieces back off her, but I’ve been preoccupied and keep forgetting to contact her. I don’t think it’s anything to do with my age, but when you are busy with other responsibilities it’s hard to keep on track.

Sometimes I just wish for freedom to be myself, and sometimes I feel I’m using it as an excuse not to do things.

Maybe I can pull things back together soon. I need to escape my cocoon and be a butterfly.

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Memory 2012

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2012….Another Sunday morning, husband went off about 15 minutes ago, and me and the cat are here waiting for the sun to rise. The sky had gone from coal black to a dark shade of Paynes Grey, in fact in the few minutes since I sat down it has lightened considerably….. The cat is happily lying on the desk next to the computer, turning over to have her tummy tickled, she doesnt like being ignored and keeps trying to sit on my drawing tablet that also acts as my mouse! that knocks the text off so I have to reposition the cursor every couple of minutes…The blackbirds were singing in the garden at 6.30, husband went out to listen and one carried on while the other Pink, pinked its alarm call… the song continues high and beautiful, shapley whistles that vary over different combinations of notes…. I am staying up in case his bus does not arrive. One last look at the sky, only slightly lighter, blue grey, no glimmer of sun yet and overcast with lowish cirrus? clouds…thank goodness for the prospect of a warm bed and a book if he does not come back. (It has happened in the past when the bus driver forgot to get up!)

Is it 2020 yet?

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Time, memories, fears, wonders? The year has passed, slowly and quickly. I can’t believe it’s almost over. Things have happened that I couldn’t forsee. People I loved have gone, friends I have lost. But also, friends I have made, on line and in real life.

Can you tell by this reflective mood that I haven’t had a drink yet for New years eve? I migh treat myself to an Irish coffee. But I don’t feel like drinking a lot.

Things to avoid in 2020…

Politics!

Hot sun,

Getting too tired.

Going to bed to late.

What about you?

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Looking forward, looking back.

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Illustration by me. I keep forgetting to say that the illustrations in this blog are generally mine. If I use anything else it is free webart, but that doesn’t happen very often.

This drawing looks back at the old year and forward to the future. It’s done in a sketcher app I downloaded off the Internet. One face is lined. Cracks are appearing in her face. Full of colour and interest. Of memories and thoughts. Of worry and relief. The other is young and pale. The flowers of spring surround her. She is looking out to the future but without expression. The old face knows what has happened, the new does not know what to expect yet.

The world turns….

Dalek

IMG_20130101_000120when I was a child

I watched Dr Who

I hid behind the settee,

I was scared of Daleks

Monsters scared me

The Icemen

The cybermen

Fighting in space

And on Earth..

Dr Who

Sci fi hero…!

This model Dalek was at Froghall Station a couple of years ago, if not more. It was wonderful to see. It was radio controlled. In the original series they were operated by men pedalling inside them and moving the weapons by hand. Nowadays they can climb steps in the modern series by hovering above them. But not in the 1960’s. I watched this classic TV series from the start. I wish I could time travel back then.

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Stop the world, I want to get off?

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Memories play tricks, but I’m sure there were moments in my life when I was happier, or fitter, or could remember more facts. Or even remember the name of the hole in the top of a car that let’s sunlight in…. Roof window? Sky light? OK I know, it’s sun roof….

Some years ago I think I was content. Can’t remember the exact date, but we went on holiday a couple of times and I was fit enough to go cycling…. But the world turns, and I keep getting older. The things you get used to change, not necessarily in the way you want.

I don’t suppose anything can stay perfect, or you can stay content forever, it would just be nice for it to stay that way for a bit longer.

Snow

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Snow, I’m sitting here wondering if it will or won’t. It tried to earlier on, little ice crystal shaped flecks melting on my windscreen.

So cold and chilly, even with the heating on. We don’t use our gas fire any more because it’s too old. The gas central heating boiler is due to be serviced in the morning.

Snow doesn’t happen much these days. If it does its usually in the new year for a few days. Not months like in the early 1960’s when there was snow on the ground in Britain for more than three months. When the drifts in country lanes were so deep children had to walk across fields to get to school. My hubby remembers that. When milk froze in milk bottles at school and pushed the silver lids up and off.

I remember walking to school and the snow over topped my wellies and soaked my stockinged feet. In fact I haven’t had to wear wellies (Wellington boots) for years. I miss my old blue wellies in the snow. I miss pretending to track people by looking at the tracks their shoes made….

I don’t remember…

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I don’t remember it happening. It must have been long ago, before the sky fell, before the Mirohs arrived. When I was young?

The world had been burning, literally, fires everywhere. Ice melting. One day it was cold, the next boiling hot.

I don’t remember the day we reached 3..

Three degrees of global heating. They had said two was bad, but we got it even hotter. The seas won’t rise. My Mom told me that, it will never happen said Dad.

It’s all a blur. Running from the sea, trying to find homes in the hills. Millions crushed in the cities that were not on rivers…

They could have called it the great flood, but the papers said the sky was falling. What it meant was the rains and storms, so heavy they flattened towns in seconds, crops died. We started growing rice in paddy fields, it was the only way to get some sustenance in all the wet, dank weather.

Two years of hell passed. I was growing up and worked in the fields. All of the children worked. No schools, just back breaking work, bending and shoveling.

We hated it, but we were not  polluting anymore. Life seemed to pause and take a breath…

Then the Mirohs came, an alien race. We saw their ship, huge, like a great storm cloud. They looked down at us. Like bugs we were to them. Then the killing started. The message, you didn’t care for your precious planet. So we will take it. Humanity is a pestilence. They put something in the water. Now no one can have children. In a hundred years or so…. We will be gone.

Will anyone remember us?

Greif

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I just unlocked some grief, from long ago. It was hidden deep, the reason why I don’t buy many clothes and shoes for myself. 

Why I feel guilt, and hurt, sad to be left behindy by my dad. 

Father died and we had nothing but his bequest to buy clothes for his funeral. That set up the guilt, Mom needed the money more than us. But she insisted, we had to be smart. Look nice. To choose our own outfits. I think that has always stayed with me. Grief and guilt mixed into a behaviour. Still sad now all these years later.