Wheelie bin news

I got home from choir practice and found one of my wheelie bins tipped up in the road (it’s normally by the gate into the garden). I put it back because it was a hazard being in the road. I’m not tall enough to see over the gate easily and as it was dark I am not going in the garden.

I checked my cctv camera and there was a flicker of light like a torch about 15 minutes after I went out, but no visible people. I’m not sure if anyone came in. Going to look in the morning. I did have a named police officer so I’ve emailed him with the bit of video. This place seems less safe now.

Worrying

What could you do less of?

I just know I have to be calm and try and deal with life. I’ve got to try and worry less. That’s what my hubby kept telling me ‘don’t worry’.

I hope I can do that, anxiety levels have risen. Fears of what’s happening in the world, the level of cruelty and destruction and war seems to be worse than ever. Or is it just that it’s more reported? Don’t worry?

Of course I’m going to worry, I need to know I’m safe. That I can get my life sorted out for the next three or four years. I need stability, I need support, I have to be realistic.

But I will try not to worry too much.

Guards van and different gauge track.

After we were robbed a few days ago, some bits of trains and tracks turned up in the alleyway under the vegetation.

But so much has gone. Thirty years or more of memories. Trains, trucks, carriages, different sizes and shapes.

But most precious was a hand built bike my hubby bought in the 1970’s. The frame came first, 531 double butted steel. Then he had the wheels, chainset, pedals, handlebars added to it. That bike went to the south west, the lake district, all over Lancashire, and toured England. That has my hubbys heart infused into it.

There is a book called The Third Policeman, by Myles Magopaline? A pseudonym of Flann O’brien. It’s about how when someone owns a bike for a long time their molecules swap between person and bike so they take on characteristics of each other.

It is deeply saddening to lose your memories and belongings. He has lost his precious bicycle.

Facing my fears

Six year old sketch

This came up on Facebook memories and I thought it was so close to how I’m feeling now. Jangling nerves, my heartbeat spikey, thoughts all over the place moving at a million miles a second. Suspicious of everyone. Anxiety and tiredness mixed into a morass of stress. It’s been a bad few days and I don’t know if it’s going to get better. Fingers crossed.

Artrage oils digital drawing.

Fear

I tried to draw an abstract image of fear. Everything is chaotic, your not in control, tight chest and gut. Swirling colours…

I’m not afraid of halloween or anything silly like that, but I’m scared to go out into our garden without my hubby. We have been through a series of thefts from our garden and now I can’t stop looking out of the window to check if anyone had come back. Hubby just rushed out because he saw someone on a bike like his, and I’m afraid to go into the garden incase someone is lurking, so many bad thoughts of what might happen!

Hence the drawing, a bit of self art therapy.

Ballooning

What’s something you would attempt if you were guaranteed not to fail.

Fear of heights and flying have held me back from doing this, but if I knew I would have guaranteed safety, no risk of the balloon suddenly deflating, or getting caught in a gale, or plummeting to earth, I might have a go.

I’d have to be on a tethered line, and maybe not go any higher than ten or twenty feet!

Why am I scared? I suffer from vertigo if my feet leave the ground, so even jumping can make me dizzy (I exaggerate), but I think I know where it stems from.

When I was young I was happy to climb up the outside of the swings or the big slide in the park or the ropes in the school hall. I’d climb to the top and hang upside down. So when I was a teenager and went on a school trip I was fine. But I borrowed some binoculars from the school teacher and climbed up a steep hill. I’d wanted to see the view. BUT, when I tried to climb down it wasn’t as simple. The surface was scree, loose small stones, I could feel the ground sliding away beneath me and I couldn’t use both hands because I was holding onto the binoculars for grim death! I finally got down in a flurry of dust and rough rocks, but I think it shook my confidence, I know from then on I was much more cautious and nervous about heights.

Gardening woe

Someone banged on my front window this morning, insisting my garden is overgrown (it is) and saying the council wants him to cut our trees down! I asked his authority and he said he was doing a local survey for the council and they would take action unless I got work done? He had no id and was really bullying and pushy. He had tree surgeon and land survey written on his vehicles. I said I was already going to get the work done (I have someone who can help). He said neighbours had complained. (the neighbours houses are empty!). He then glanced at the hedge and said he would charge £550. By then I was shaking and my anxiety was high. But I held my ground and asked him where he thought I would get the money from? He replied he has four daughters and needs to work 6 days a week! I told him to come back in a few weeks and it would be done (why?). It was only after speaking to my councillor that I realised he had not shown me his id, he mentioned no laws or legal information, and he did not mention where his authority for coming round and making demands came from. I put in a written complaint to the council. I think it was a scam, and if in fact he did represent the council he was not professional. He was a bully and demanding. I cannot imagine him being employed by them. Beware, Cold Callers can be very persuasive.

Everything

What details of your life could you pay more attention to?

Recently I’ve been putting my head in the sand and taking avoiding action. Anxiety will do that to you. Pulling my mind and life back up out of it is hard work.

A lot of it is external, caused by things out of my control. But even so I must pay more attention to things. I must not let things to continue to spiral out of my grasp.

The plan is to look at easy, medium and hard things to do. Trying to do one or two or even three of them a day.

What I found was that trying to do all three one day exhausted me, made me too tired the next day to do anything more. I think I am a bit burnt out? Maybe getting things done less quickly and trying to build up is the best way to go?

Anyway I’m going to try and get back to normal soon.

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Getting organised

What’s your #1 priority tomorrow?

I’ve been disorganised and muddled for a while. I need to get some semblance of organisation back in my life.

So, I am trying to use my diary more, and not ignore it. I’ve got into the habit of moving things on instead of doing things. I’ve got to stop. I think I mustn’t overload myself with plans.

My main problem is procrastination. Like a rabbit caught in the headlights, I get worried about how I’m going to get something done, that leads to anxiety, and I find it easier not to do the thing that needs doing.

Life has a way of getting involved, things crop up and stop you in your tracks. Pain and anxiety mix into a cocktail of disasters. The world spins you round the wrong way and everything gets out of kilter.

So now I have to start getting over things, I need to break my fears down into achievable goals, or I will just sink into a deeper mess. Getting organised is definitely my number one priority.

A cup of tea

I asked hubby for a cup of tea, ten minutes ago. He put the kettle on then wandered off somewhere. I can’t make it myself as I’m walking around with crutches. My balance is a bit off and I’m still in pain so I’m struggling to support my weight on my foot, I’m getting better but the damage only happened four days ago.

I know it’s hard for him, his mental health isn’t good. I asked him to cook tea earlier. I had to tell him to read the instructions, he can’t hear me because he gets irritated by his hearing aids. When he’s in the kitchen and I’m in the living room, he says my voice sounds like “wah wah wah”. Then he accused me of “mansplaining”, I was just trying to help him. I know his anxiety is bad, how do I help without appearing to interfere?

I’ve just written this and still no sign of him!