Putting up walls

It dawned on me this morning, the walls around me have grown… I’ve felt hemmed in by the pandemic, and tied down by ropes attached to concrete blocks. Not physically but mentally, emotionally, sadly.

Why? It stems from fear of what might happen. There is a word ‘catastrophise’ that I’ve heard recently. Maybe that’s what I’m doing. Plus hubbys situation bothers me, I feel very protective. Then again, as I age, bits of me don’t work properly. I tried to do something about it, but the authorities don’t seem to understand. It’s made me despondent to some extent. My prevarication is getting to me.

Sorry to lay all of this at your doors, I think by speaking out it allows me to order my thoughts. Those walls need to come down, and I need to let some light in, I need to be less of a scardey cat… But it’s not easy..

Preparing

We are singing at Audlem music festival in a few weeks. Loud Mouth Women are learning some new songs, and last night we were a bit short on numbers. In one particular song I was the only person to sing one of the parts! I was a bit nervous and forgot the tune on at least one of the lines. When you sing in a choir you try and tune in with other singers. So much depends on memory, pitching the right notes, getting the beat right and knowing if you have to do a movement or a clap…. In some of our songs that are international we do a Maori wiri-wiri. Next week is the last rehearsal and then we have an hour long performance. Wish us luck!

Singing for mental health

I went to another choir practice last night and we sang some old songs from our repetoir including ‘La Para Deiu’ (I think that’s how it’s spelt). We haven’t sung it for at least five or six years, and if you had asked me what the tune was I would not have been able to sing it. But as we started to sing it flooded back. Soon we were singing in three part harmony and I was getting goosebumps down my spine. We sounded very good, better than we used to I think, and this was with new choir members joining in. I can’t explain how it lifted my mood. People were grinning and laughing. We sang a couple of other older songs, one we hadn’t done for maybe twelve or more years, from when we moved from our old venue. I hope the choir keeps going, it truly is good for mental health, raising our spirits and exercising our memories.

Green and pleasant

For mist of our existence humans lived outside or in caves or huts. It is only within the last few thousand years that we started to live in villages, then towns and finally cities. With each increase in population we have moved away from greenery and plant life. The movement into flats and apartments has imprisoned us in concrete even more.

Humans need shelter from the elements, either the cold of the winter, the heat of the summer and the changes in wind and rain. So buildings are needed, but perhaps we should include more greenery in these places. Not just lawns or neat hedges, but more green walls or indoor planting.

It’s good for our mental health, a connection to our historical past. If it could also be used to clean the air, or add a layer of cool air to our streets surely it is worth pursuing?

Instead I see stories in the press of trees being cut down, ancient ones, to make way for railways, or being blamed for damaging buildings, instead of reversing the engineering and not building next to ancient trees. Let’s have an intelligent discussion about this. Green in important to out health and our planet.

I need to get out.

I sometimes feel trapped in the house. I don’t mind doing things, it’s just since I’ve developed a shaking left arm I feel a bit unsteady on my feet, like I’m going to trip u or something. As I walk my shoulders, arm and hand get tense, then my neck and head finally my feet feel like they are going to tangle up. I just wish it hadn’t sapped my confidence. The garden fence could be iron bars, the front door is the door to my cell…. I suppose it’s me looking for safety and security, but I need to find mental as well as physical balance again.

When did I become captain sensible?

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I’d like to be silly, daft, funny, have a laugh. But recently I’ve had to become, as my hubby calls me ‘ captain sensible’.

The thing is I’m his carer. I don’t like thinking about it but he has mental health issues and I have to keep a level head to keep him safe. But I don’t like it. I have to negotiate with him when he has manic ideas. I have to think through what he can do. I sometimes feel like a jailer. And yet I’m being sensible. I don’t think he should go and find a newt and put it in the pond, or buy another three bicycles to add to his collection of ten he already has. Or come home with another tree for our wooded garden. Some things are simple negotiation. Others are confusing. He buys ornaments we don’t need. He spends money in one particular shop on stuff that’s basically junk. But he’s happy. But they must see him coming… I worry about some of the things he declares he’s going to do. I won’t discuss them here. I can’t describe the anxiety he goes through every day, over things I would call trivial. I try and hold it all together and then live my life on top of that..

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Soft toys

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I seem to have collected a lot of these over the years. There’s a cat, two owls and a reindeer at least. I was given a couple of them and bought a few more. I like cute things, although I do wonder whether collecting them is sensible. Humans have a tendency to feel attached to inanimate objects. Like children love their toys, I guess adults love ornaments and objects. Sometimes this leads to hoarding, other times if the person is rich it might lead to collections of fine art. I think these could be described as two sides of the same coin. Both are ways of giving you pleasure, a good feeling each time you buy something, or hold it. But that feeling and impulse to buy can be an addiction. Or just holding onto belongings from a parent. Even a crisp packet that a good friend has eaten out of can have significance. So much so that it cannot be disposed of. Collection and hoarding are not so different…..

Choir practice

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I’m off out to choir practice today. Learning new songs, and old ones to different tunes.

I’m sure my mental health has been better since I began going to a choir over ten years ago. It’s good for things like relaxation and concentration. I would recommend it to anyone who nerds some stress busting.

I can be sitting with the choir with no memory if the words or tune. Then almost miraculously they come to me as we start singing. We sing mainly acappella and my voice is most suited to alto and low parts.

We learnt a version of let your little light shine for the Stoke sings choir festival the weekend before last. With words that were appropriate to the cities history of pottery and mining.

I hope we sing it again tonight. It was fun to sing with 600 other people belting out the various parts. It is on YouTube  somewhere.