Almost the end

Posted on December 30, 2023 Posted in Memories, UncategorizedTagged cliff edge, Cold, Hubby, Life, Memories, Sadness, Settled, Thinking, Thought, Year end11 Comments

Short days, the candle is nearly out. Darkness floats by my eyes as I look into the garden. Cold wind and rain is making it chilly and damp. Memory tugs at my mind, pulling my mouth down at the corners. But I caught myself laughing a couple of times today.

Where will I be at the end of next year? Will I find the safety and solace I seek. Will I manage on my own. Decades of being a couple makes it difficult to predict. I’m trying to explain how I feel about things. I feel like I did when I left school after that being my whole life. The cliff edge is close, my hubby could climb down cliffs while I cowered at the top. I don’t like them. I want to be settled and secure. Oh well, we will see….

Insomnia yet again

Posted on December 27, 2023 Posted in Cat, Memories, UncategorizedTagged Bike, Black and white cat, Cat, Cocoa, Cycling, Hills, Hubby, Insomnia, Memory, tandem, Tired6 Comments

Sleeping is a issue yet again. I’m either too cold or too hot. Lost without my hubby who passed away three weeks ago. I really have a heavy heart. I just spent the last hour or so remembering things we did in the past. Going for bike or tandem rides when we were younger. The feeling of almost flying along, racing each other down hills (I was always more cautious). How he took in a stray cat a few years ago that had come limping into our garden, it turned out to have been abandoned by it’s owner. That cat is now sleeping on hubbys bodywarmer. I think it misses him as much as I do. It’s almost 5am. Going to make a cocoa.

You should be here

Posted on December 22, 2023 Posted in Memories, Sketching, UncategorizedTagged Gone, Grief, Hubby, Lost, Memory, my man, Poem, Poetry, Sadness, Sketching2 Comments

By my side

Part of me

Has ripped away

Torn my heart

In half

Lub dub, Lub dub

It’s still pumping

Just.

He came to me

Posted on December 16, 2023 Posted in Memories, UncategorizedTagged Comfort, Dream, Gone, Hubby, Imagination, Life, Memory, running footsteps, Time2 Comments

I just woke up from a dream. I was in the street and I heard footsteps clattering up behind me. I turned and it was my hubby. Hair blowing behind him, his jacket flapping. He said a couple of words, something like ‘I’m here’? But then I woke up.

It’s not much of a story, but it was comforting. The thought that he is around somewhere, even if its just in my imagination made me feel better.

Worrying

Posted on December 8, 2023 Posted in Memories, UncategorizedTagged Anxiety, cruelty, dailyprompt, dailyprompt-2146, Grief, Hubby, Life, Thought, War, Worry11 Comments

What could you do less of?

I just know I have to be calm and try and deal with life. I’ve got to try and worry less. That’s what my hubby kept telling me ‘don’t worry’.

I hope I can do that, anxiety levels have risen. Fears of what’s happening in the world, the level of cruelty and destruction and war seems to be worse than ever. Or is it just that it’s more reported? Don’t worry?

Of course I’m going to worry, I need to know I’m safe. That I can get my life sorted out for the next three or four years. I need stability, I need support, I have to be realistic.

But I will try not to worry too much.

Alone

Posted on December 7, 2023 Posted in Memories, UncategorizedTagged breaking heart, emotional, Heart, Hubby, Life, Loss, Love, Memory, Pain, Sad, Thinking11 Comments

Always by my side. Now I’m a widow. What a weird word. My fate was to be left behind. Yours was to leave first.

The cats keep looking for you. The house is quiet. No explosions of humour and excitement. Just full but empty. Echoing with your life. Your things are everywhere. Your books, your clothes, shoes, things. What do I do?

Lots of support, I’m organising and tidying. Getting advice. Looking for help. Trying to stay calm. Alert about my body, my health.

Time will pass, I will seek support, I must try and go on. Enough sadness for a whole lifetime has poured like molten metal into my heart, burning and breaking. But I must go on.

Farewell

Posted on December 4, 2023 Posted in Fine Art, Memories, UncategorizedTagged bereavement, Gone, Green man, Hubby, In memory, Lonely, Loss, not forgotten, Poem, Poetry, Sad11 Comments

Somewhere between here and there.

You’ve gone.

Lost in the space between dreams.

Departed, like the ghost of Christmas present.

Full of fun and grumpy too.

Never a dull moment with you.

Life will be so lonely.

Do you know how many hearts you have touched?

If I could hold your hand one more time.

Kiss your lips, say goodbye.

My one and only man.

My green man…..

Hubby news

Posted on December 2, 2023December 2, 2023 Posted in Cat, UncategorizedTagged Car, Cat, Cold, Freezing, frosty, hoar frost, Hospital, Hubby, Icy, Life, Lock, Poorly, stable5 Comments

The hoar frost was thick this morning when I visited hubby at the hospital. I had a frozen car lock to contend with, then a car parking meter that was frozen so it would not accept cash. The other one on the car park was not taking money either, just card payments.

When I got to the ward the doors were locked. I was visiting outside visiting hours, they are allowing me to do that because hubby is awaiting surgery but they don’t know when yet and he might have to be taken to theatre during visiting times.

I don’t know who will read this so I’m not doing into details, but he is poorly but stable. I just feel lonely without him.

Waking up in an empty bed is so strange, the cats were with me keeping warm. I hope he can come home soon, but we won’t know until he has an operation.

I might not be around much, but I will try and catch up when I can. X

I jump!

Posted on November 17, 2023November 17, 2023 Posted in UncategorizedTagged Calm, Frightened, Garden, Hubby, hypervigilant, Nerves, Rubbish, Scared, Wheelie bins2 Comments

A loud noise by our gate made me jump as I sat in the living room. For a moment I thought someone had jumped over it. I told hubby and he went out into the garden to check. He walked past the window spade in hand, ready to repel intruders. But I reran the image in my head, what I’d heard and seen, I think, was someone opening one of our wheelie bins in front of the gate, to throw rubbish in it.

I hate this nervy, hypervigilant me. I just want to be quiet and calm. I don’t need my blood pressure going sky high! And I don’t want hubby putting himself at risk!

Health

Posted on November 15, 2023November 15, 2023 Posted in UncategorizedTagged Age, Concerned, Doctors, Health, Hope, Hubby, Illness, Time, Tired, Worn out3 Comments

Age and health can go hand in hand, your body can start to get wear out. Things don’t work as well as they used to. My hubby hasn’t been well for a few days. He usually throws things off, but he’s not right at the moment. I’m not going to describe his symptoms and I’m not going to Dr Google to see what it says. I think a trip to the doctors is the right thing to do. Fingers crossed it’s a passing thing and it won’t be long till he’s better.

Mallaband-Brown

Tag: Hubby