Tangled

A drawing from a while ago. It was called molecules. I was trying to find an image that describes my tangled brain. I think I’m OK, then I don’t know. I’m trying to do things, but I’m tied up inside a cotton sack, trying to find the way out.

Am I being dramatic? Perhaps, I have lots of thoughts about what I want to do, but the procrastination gets me all the time. The older I get, the less enthusiasm I have. Sorry, its just one of those nights. I’m watching a sad film and it’s getting to me. I sometimes feel time is running out. Grief is a tight knot. Like a molecule, twisting and turning. Time for some rest perhaps…… I’ll be OK….

Up and down

This is how I feel. Trying to balance the world on my nose. It wobbles, but keeps spinning. It precesses and stays just about stable, but demands on me pull it off kilter. Can I do this, will I do that? Can I help with.. I don’t like letting people down so I do my best. Perhaps I should be more selfish? But that’s not what I’m like.

I feel like dropping the spinning wheel sometimes, just let it slide away, tip up then roll off into the distance. Trying to manage the behaviour of someone who self harms isn’t good (I won’t say who). That and personal pain from my medical conditions makes me grumpy. I just want peace. A couple of days to myself. It didn’t help that our neighbours behind us are selling their house and are threatening to cut branches off our trees? We said we would sort things out so hubby, who is in his seventies, was climbing up and down ladders cutting foliage back. All I could do was hold the ladder. That and some other new neighbours have decided to park their car in the alleyway so it’s hard to access the back of our garden. No consideration for us. I might contact the council. So many things to deal with, and now it looks like one of our cats had got an abscess on his face, he’s just come in and his face is swollen. Oh dear!

Confusion, can’t help myself..

The world keeps spinning and I’m still here, one year older. I feel, I don’t know? Like I need to change, to try and be positive. I have escaped from last week’s or years thoughts. Maybe I can gain some strength now I’m a year older and wiser? I have fractured thoughts…

Grief holds you tight, you interpret things in its light. Your expectations change. Fear and worry hold your hand. A loss of a sibling? Never to speak again…. Memories sneak up on you. You peek round a corner and they pounce on you. Birthdays, bad days, no joy. But now? Can I look forward not back? I must try…

Career? What career?

What is your career plan?

My life is like an open flower

Petals may soon drop

A career I had

But it is gone

Retired and tired I am.

Work over now

Unless I have

To seek

A few hours here

A few more there

To keep going on.

I wish I could restart time

And make a change to life

Perhaps the years

I toiled at work

Would have been better spent.

My life was dull

To some extent

I played the game of life

The early morns

The evenings dark

When I came home again.

I’m glad that I escaped to art

And life began once more.

Help

My life is quite chaotic at the moment. Lots of things to do, plenty of time, but lack of inclination to do things. Procrastinating is my favourite pastime!

Everything is tangled up. I’m trying to organise and assess things, but failing. Thinking and worrying is not helping. I think I need to meditate or do some relaxation. It’s not that I don’t want to do things, but I think I’ve had my head in the sand for so many months, I don’t know how to drag it back out. I know this is self reflection, and I hope its a good thing. Writing it down might give me a push.

Grief has not helped. And now other people I know have died and that has knocked me back. I don’t want to think of the end of things. But I guess we should all make some plans? Sorry this is a bit random, maybe talking will help though.

Dying hedge

Up until two years ago the hedge my garden hedge was fine and healthy but then unknown to us we got a leaking pipe in the garden. While the trees in the hedge prospered the hedge didn’t. The plants got straggly and untidy, a friend cut part of it back but it didn’t regenerate. Then last year a builder dumped a load of rubble and rubbish in the alley running alongside the garden. Eventually after about six months the council bought a digger in to remove it, but the cut the hedge in half all the way along the path. Effectively removing all the green growth that overhung the pathway. We are trying to add roses and hedgerow plants like hawthorn, but it still looks like a gap toothed smile! You can see into the garden from outside. We also have hundreds of tree seedlings germinating probably because of light getting into the garden.

I went out for the first time in months today. I feel very unsteady and the garden paths are uneven, but I need to try and make an effort despite shaking like a jelly!