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You birthday was today
But there is no voice
No laughter
No sudden shout
Of annoyance or glee.
You were here, then gone
Lost in space
Not forgotten by me
But gone from the world
We always held hands
Grasping our dreams
Let’s go out
Take a trip?
Now I stay still
Remembering but not visiting
Still waiting
For your non return.
I look at the bedroom window and see my hubbys cask of ashes there. I tell him it’s a sunny day and I wish he was here. It’s been a while since I’ve felt this low, and I’ve spent most of the day in silence. I spoke to a neighbour and had a brief chat, but that was like a tiny sticking plaster trying to cover over a deep gash in my flesh. It was never going to hold for long.
I’m sitting quietly, the TV is on. I just watched a show where a nurse recently lost her husband in an accident and the tears started filling me up. Like an ocean overtopping flood defences. Now I feel tired out and just overwhelmed with sadness. I need to get out, but I won’t ask anyone. I need to talk but I’m struck dumb, I need to feel better but I feel so low. I’m saying these things here to get them off my shoulders and mind. Things have got to improve, they must.
To Wales, and the lake district, and Scarborough, and Devon and Dorset. All the places I’ve been on holiday in my life. I want to ESCAPE! Get to beautiful places, see the coast, the mountains, get out of the city.
I can’t get away to the sea and sky. My mind won’t let me, my arms won’t let me, my legs won’t let me. I get worried, I think of things that might happen. I need to have company. Isn’t that strange? When I had my hubby we went everywhere together. Now he’s gone there is no one to reassure me. To make it safe. I’m fed up. Anxious, frustrated, lost, fearful.
Sorry to go on.
‘I still keep seeing hearts, and it makes me feel like smiling when I do’, she said.
It was over a year since he’d gone, she realised, and things had been hard. They hadn’t discussed anything, it was so unexpected.
About a week after he had died she found a pink, heart shaped petal on her pillow, she had left the window open for some fresh air and it had just appeared, probably on a gust of wind.
She spoke to her sister again. ‘it seems to happen about once a week, I will spot a heart shape somewhere. Daft things like a bubble in the bread was a little heart, heart shaped crisps, presents with them as decorations, stones on the beach, it just keeps happening’.
She remembered the heart shaped cloud that had floated over the house for an hour, just above his shed. Above where he had worked on his bikes and train sets. She knew he was still with her, keeping an eye on her. Maybe one day they would be back together.
Facebook memory. This was clearly more than a year ago, (hubby died December 2023) but I probably posted it to Facebook then. It still shocks me to see photos of him pop up like he was never gone. X
Our house, our friends, our relatives.
We were together so long
I can’t say ‘my’ yet
Even after a year.
Sometimes I feel like it’s a dream.
Hubby, my hubby, will be back.
Walk into our house
Be with our friends
Our relatives.
They know
I miss him.
So
Tears, in memory of him, digitally manipulated photo using photodirector (not AI). 4.12.23.
I keep getting ads in my time line to order my 2024 past book now.
Anyone who follows me will know I don’t need reminding. I have had the worst 12 to 24 months in my life that I never want to live over again. I hope to get through December and have a better start to 2025, although I worry about geopolitics. I don’t want one! I don’t want reminding, please don’t make me!
OK that’s enough..
There were good times too, I have some good photos, but I’m not in the mood to share. I’ll hoard those to myself, keep them safe.
What would you do if you lost all your possessions?
What would I do if I lost it all?
Cry for lost memories
Weep for my tranklements
Sigh for my paintings
Scream for my cats
But remember them all
The good times
The joy that they gave
And try to make a new start
A way to cope
Seeking for comfort
Hoping for help.
Loss can destroy
But hope can strengthen
Survival would be my goal.
We met in the September
Moved in together in October
16 years later?
We married.
In 9 minutes it will be our anniversary.
My first without him.
We never really celebrated
He wasn’t into birthdays
Or Anniversaries
A quiet meal
A glass of wine or beer
We were going to be together forever.
The shock when he went
Backed me into a corner.
Nowhere to go
Nothing to do
Surrounded by stuff
That holds me in
Trapped in a corner of sadness
Missing him
And tomorrow? In 5 minutes?
24 hours lost in greif
Mallaband-Brown