New paintings and regular art updates.
If I wait a day or two
My tears will flow
Again
Two times around the sun.
Millions of miles away from me.
Energy evaporated
Thoughts dissipated
My memory is all
That holds you
A ghostly shape
3d nothingness
Grasping for you
In my sleep.
Such a robust person,
Lost and gone.
No more conversations…
Gone.
Gon
Go
G
….
It would have been our anniversary today. We lived together for years before we married. I painted him when I was about 20 and he still sits in this painting looking out at me. I did a lot of drawings and portraits of him over the years, I am glad there are visible memories of him.
What will happen when I go? Who knows what my relatives will want to do with all my art? Will a local museum take them, or will they just get skipped? I don’t know, I won’t be here but I would like to have some recognition. The trouble is I’m very eclectic, I paint for my self in these images. Ah well, more questions…
Kneading my knees
Poddling I call it,
Old cat is keen to stay.
I don’t want him to go away.
His life is ebbing
Slowly by
Like a tide moving out
Taking his memory
In its grip.
No more head bumps
No more nuzzles
An empty space expected
Soon.
I say hello to him every day
His eyes twinkle and smile
He was my green man
Now sadly gone.
Twin gone over two years
Memories fade away
I don’t want to miss her
I want her back
Too much loss
Fed up
I don’t know
What to do?
Digital drawing does not represent either me or my sister..
I saw my painting of you
And cried
I look at photos
And weep
43 years together
Now lost
How can I say goodbye
When our hearts are still entwined
Wrapped up together
Through sun and rain
Long memories
Still holding hands
In my mind.
I’ve joined a small writing group in my home town and we are being given prompts to write about. I’ll write up another one later but here’s a poem I did on the spur of the moment when I misheard the prompt Loss as Gloss:
Gloss over your loss
Hide it behind your mind
Don’t let it take hold
Your thoughts must not fold
Into a melancholy way
So be quiet and say
My life will be OK?
If I can find my way.
You birthday was today
But there is no voice
No laughter
No sudden shout
Of annoyance or glee.
You were here, then gone
Lost in space
Not forgotten by me
But gone from the world
We always held hands
Grasping our dreams
Let’s go out
Take a trip?
Now I stay still
Remembering but not visiting
Still waiting
For your non return.
I look at the bedroom window and see my hubbys cask of ashes there. I tell him it’s a sunny day and I wish he was here. It’s been a while since I’ve felt this low, and I’ve spent most of the day in silence. I spoke to a neighbour and had a brief chat, but that was like a tiny sticking plaster trying to cover over a deep gash in my flesh. It was never going to hold for long.
I’m sitting quietly, the TV is on. I just watched a show where a nurse recently lost her husband in an accident and the tears started filling me up. Like an ocean overtopping flood defences. Now I feel tired out and just overwhelmed with sadness. I need to get out, but I won’t ask anyone. I need to talk but I’m struck dumb, I need to feel better but I feel so low. I’m saying these things here to get them off my shoulders and mind. Things have got to improve, they must.
To Wales, and the lake district, and Scarborough, and Devon and Dorset. All the places I’ve been on holiday in my life. I want to ESCAPE! Get to beautiful places, see the coast, the mountains, get out of the city.
I can’t get away to the sea and sky. My mind won’t let me, my arms won’t let me, my legs won’t let me. I get worried, I think of things that might happen. I need to have company. Isn’t that strange? When I had my hubby we went everywhere together. Now he’s gone there is no one to reassure me. To make it safe. I’m fed up. Anxious, frustrated, lost, fearful.
Sorry to go on.
Mallaband-Brown