Tag: Loss

Hubbys cat painting

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He didn’t paint much, but this painting was one of our first cats, he also did a tornado shaped painting in many colours, and a sunflower painting (all acrylics on board). These were his efforts at creating some exuberant pieces of art.

He also made drawings which he did in an A4 sized hardback blue book. It’s crammed with notes and thoughts. Often quite disjointed, he was by training a chemist/physicist. That didn’t stop him enjoying the artistic side of life. I will always miss his thoughtfulness and quirky creativity.

Two years (almost)

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If I wait a day or two

My tears will flow

Again

Two times around the sun.

Millions of miles away from me.

Energy evaporated

Thoughts dissipated

My memory is all

That holds you

A ghostly shape

3d nothingness

Grasping for you

In my sleep.

Such a robust person,

Lost and gone.

No more conversations…

Gone.

Gon

Go

G

….

Blurry photo

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It would have been our anniversary today. We lived together for years before we married. I painted him when I was about 20 and he still sits in this painting looking out at me. I did a lot of drawings and portraits of him over the years, I am glad there are visible memories of him.

What will happen when I go? Who knows what my relatives will want to do with all my art? Will a local museum take them, or will they just get skipped? I don’t know, I won’t be here but I would like to have some recognition. The trouble is I’m very eclectic, I paint for my self in these images. Ah well, more questions…

G-loss

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I’ve joined a small writing group in my home town and we are being given prompts to write about. I’ll write up another one later but here’s a poem I did on the spur of the moment when I misheard the prompt Loss as Gloss:

Gloss over your loss

Hide it behind your mind

Don’t let it take hold

Your thoughts must not fold

Into a melancholy way

So be quiet and say

My life will be OK?

If I can find my way.

Alone

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Hubby

You birthday was today

But there is no voice

No laughter

No sudden shout

Of annoyance or glee.

You were here, then gone

Lost in space

Not forgotten by me

But gone from the world

We always held hands

Grasping our dreams

Let’s go out

Take a trip?

Now I stay still

Remembering but not visiting

Still waiting

For your non return.

Alone

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I look at the bedroom window and see my hubbys cask of ashes there. I tell him it’s a sunny day and I wish he was here. It’s been a while since I’ve felt this low, and I’ve spent most of the day in silence. I spoke to a neighbour and had a brief chat, but that was like a tiny sticking plaster trying to cover over a deep gash in my flesh. It was never going to hold for long.

I’m sitting quietly, the TV is on. I just watched a show where a nurse recently lost her husband in an accident and the tears started filling me up. Like an ocean overtopping flood defences. Now I feel tired out and just overwhelmed with sadness. I need to get out, but I won’t ask anyone. I need to talk but I’m struck dumb, I need to feel better but I feel so low. I’m saying these things here to get them off my shoulders and mind. Things have got to improve, they must.