Don’t be afraid
Knock on my door
I’m here inside
Just waiting to say
Be my friend still
A hug or a hand
Would serve me well
Don’t go away
Leaving a card
But nothing to say?
I need you to stay
Keep me company
I need you today.
Knock on
Window view
I had various things to do today. Part of arranging my late hubbys final passing. I find it hard to know what to say. My friend came with me to help and we went in the local pub to get a hot chocolate and try and take my mind off things.
Thinking about what hubby wanted I have chosen something very simple and have asked people to think about him on the date and time of the cremation as I am not having a service (we discussed things a while ago). I thought it better to explain so people know well on advance and don’t ask to attend a service.
I really want a celebration of his life, but it will be after Christmas because something so sad needs thought, and the festive season is looming,
Looking out the window, the world was zooming past, unaware of how my day was going. I’m glad we had a break…..
Worrying
What could you do less of?
I just know I have to be calm and try and deal with life. I’ve got to try and worry less. That’s what my hubby kept telling me ‘don’t worry’.
I hope I can do that, anxiety levels have risen. Fears of what’s happening in the world, the level of cruelty and destruction and war seems to be worse than ever. Or is it just that it’s more reported? Don’t worry?
Of course I’m going to worry, I need to know I’m safe. That I can get my life sorted out for the next three or four years. I need stability, I need support, I have to be realistic.
But I will try not to worry too much.
Bust computer?
Having fun.
Not
My computer isn’t working
Because I switched it off
Weeks ago
When I hurt my leg
Great!
I didn’t come back upstairs
For months
Now it needs reconfiguring
Go figure
Error
Fig error…
Councelling
What positive events have taken place in your life over the past year?
Those who read this blog will know that for more than a year I’ve been facing problems. Not as severe as in other parts of the world, but personal ones.
I was lucky to get some counselling and then earlier this year cognitive behavioural therapy. I would encourage anyone who is struggling to go for either of them. I can’t explain, but I feel more in control of the situation than I think I would have done without them. Talking therapy does work.
Now I’m going through more problems, and looking back, well I can see some clues of how I can cope. It won’t be easy.
Sympathy cards appear through the door. I am thankful for them too. I wish people would knock on the door though, so I can say thank you. I think people are afraid of hurting me. I would say when you are in grief every hug counts.
Alone
Always by my side. Now I’m a widow. What a weird word. My fate was to be left behind. Yours was to leave first.
The cats keep looking for you. The house is quiet. No explosions of humour and excitement. Just full but empty. Echoing with your life. Your things are everywhere. Your books, your clothes, shoes, things. What do I do?
Lots of support, I’m organising and tidying. Getting advice. Looking for help. Trying to stay calm. Alert about my body, my health.
Time will pass, I will seek support, I must try and go on. Enough sadness for a whole lifetime has poured like molten metal into my heart, burning and breaking. But I must go on.
I can’t ask you
I turned to you to ask you a question. But you were not there. You cannot come back.
You were so knowledgeable, I could mention something and you knew the way my mind was working. You would ask me and be surprised by what I knew. We agreed that I had picked up a lot of knowledge from you. I recognise trains and tractors because of you. I could ask you about chemistry and physics. We would laugh and compete to answer TV quiz questions. Sometimes I would beat you, other times you would beat me. Most often it was a draw.
Thinking of you now I see a hole in the air where you were. A space unfilled by your spirit. You have gone ahead, like going to bed, and I don’t want to follow yet? My bonds are here on earth, close tied to friends and family. Don’t let me loose those bonds yet. I have obligations, how could I let the cats down? My family down. Please look over me and keep me safe in your heart as I hold you in mine.
Thoughts late at night.
Keeping warm
Find a warm spot and curl up. You can put your nose under your tail and snuggle down. Cats are lucky to have tails. Making them cuddly and comfy.
Apart from sleeping for hours a day? They are funny and playful. They are intelligent and charming. They are sometimes naughty too! Being a cat in a house can be a pleasure, but some people are cruel and unkind. Cats like all pets need treating with love care and attention. They will love you if you do. They are, awesome companions if you get the right ones.
Devon,
Do you have a favorite place you have visited? Where is it?
Dark cliffs that people sometimes dive off, sandy coves and dark rock pools. Big city Plymouth with it’s summery vibe, small shops in narrow streets in historic villages. Long drives overland to get to a beach half a mile away on the coast. There are lots of rivers and streams that need to be negotiated. The North coast and South coast are seperate by rolling green countryside and steep and craggy moorland. I want to go back. The old oak trees and cider are calling!
Lost
You went into the maze,
I don’t know where you went?
The dream got hazy
I turned round
And you were gone
I searched and searched
No trace of you
My soul is torn
In two.
Mallaband-Brown 