Author: artbychristinemallabandbrown

I'm an artist based at the Spode factory site in Stoke on Trent. I paint, draw and create digital art. Contact me at mallabandbrown@aol.com

Guilt

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If only? What if? I’m feeling so guilty. Why didn’t I spot there was a problem earlier? All those months of things that were not quite right, we should have gone to the doctors. I should have insisted. Have I neglected you? When I argued with you to go it was only towards the end? Should I blame myself, I can’t blame you.

Was it bad communication? Fear? Not wanting to see what might be wrong? I don’t know, I just feel bad. I need a little rant to try and clear my head. I can’t stop time, or make it go back, I wish I could, what twists or turns would I reverse to have you back? No pact with a deity can change things now. Forever.

Medicine

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What is something others do that sparks your admiration?

After my recent dealings with the NHS I have to share my admiration of the doctors, nurses and anciliary staff that work for it.

Many staff cared for my hubby, and he told me they were wonderfully caring, I can only echo this feeling.

I cannot say that all staff are the same, but the ones I met were so very helpful, I only wish we had sought medical advice earlier. But the illness he had was one that is difficult to detect and can be hard to treat.

The amount of knowledge and skills that they require is immense, having had some medical training myself I’m massively admiring of what they do. I only hope the NHS doesn’t fall apart under all the stresses and strains thrown at it by the pandemic, cost of living crisis, and cuts in funding including privatisation that robs it of some of its most important workers and skills.

A film to watch

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“When you hear a bell ring an angel gets its wings”.

I was feeling very down this morning. I couldn’t see the point of things. I sat down and put the TV on. “It’s a Wonderful Life” with James Stewart was just starting.

Have you ever seen it? It’s an old film with a man who takes over a savings and loan company and supports all of his community, even when things are bad he sorts them out. But one day some money goes missing and he is about to lose everything. Meanwhile because everybody is praying for him, an angel (second class) is tasked to save him. It’s not a religious film and it’s very heartwarming and yet emotional to watch. It’s very humanitarian and caring.

If you like old films, and James Stewart, give it a go. Truly 5 stars.

Random art

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An image of a punk woman came up on my Facebook memories today. I decided to draw another, older profile, thinking of the years that have passed since those days. I had done them both in the Artrage app. I then added texture and an overlay in photodirector. I’m trying to imagine it printed on old newspaper. Whatever I do, I have to draw.

Letter to myself

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Dear Me

It’s been a horrible few days. I’m worried and scared, but I must try and cope. Remember to breathe, don’t hide away. Memories of other situations make me want to do this.

I remember my mom when my dad died, she sat on the settee in the darkness for three days, in the end I wrote her a letter and asked her to look after us, her children. I think that finally got through to her. She seemed to respond.

Writing this is just a way of talking to myself, but to share with others, maybe it is something to think about for other people?

Asterix the Gaul

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What’s your favorite cartoon?

If I shouldn’t use this image I will delete it.

This was my favourite cartoon whan I was growing up. The stories were funny and cheeky. Asterix and his huge best friend Obelix would take a magic potion if they were going to fight the Romans so that they would have massive strength and defeat their opponents.

The tribe of Celts they lived with were a motley band, the Chief was scared that the sky was going to fall on his head, so his guards had to hold a large sheid over his head to stop it landing on him.

There was a wizard with a long white beard that made the potion. I think he was called Get-a-fix?

Obelix was a massive figure and would carve standing stones and carry them around. He was always trying to get extra potion.

I loved the books and would draw the characters endlessly to try and get my skills at copying images honed. At one stage I think I had all of them.

Window view

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I had various things to do today. Part of arranging my late hubbys final passing. I find it hard to know what to say. My friend came with me to help and we went in the local pub to get a hot chocolate and try and take my mind off things.

Thinking about what hubby wanted I have chosen something very simple and have asked people to think about him on the date and time of the cremation as I am not having a service (we discussed things a while ago). I thought it better to explain so people know well on advance and don’t ask to attend a service.

I really want a celebration of his life, but it will be after Christmas because something so sad needs thought, and the festive season is looming,

Looking out the window, the world was zooming past, unaware of how my day was going. I’m glad we had a break…..

Worrying

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What could you do less of?

I just know I have to be calm and try and deal with life. I’ve got to try and worry less. That’s what my hubby kept telling me ‘don’t worry’.

I hope I can do that, anxiety levels have risen. Fears of what’s happening in the world, the level of cruelty and destruction and war seems to be worse than ever. Or is it just that it’s more reported? Don’t worry?

Of course I’m going to worry, I need to know I’m safe. That I can get my life sorted out for the next three or four years. I need stability, I need support, I have to be realistic.

But I will try not to worry too much.