Low mood
Slowly rising
Clouds lifting
Wind dropping
Rain abates
Gales blow out
Stopping
Leaves fallen
Cannot be replaced
But buds grow
Time moves
Green shoots
Spring forth.
Grateful
Thankful
Healing…
Slowly healing
Tag: Thinking
Missing mystery
I’m a little perplexed. I’ve been reading a, Brother Cadviael book over the past few nights, to take my mind off things. They are a series of mediaeval murder mysteries that I like. So when I came to bed I thought it would be waiting for me, but it isn’t. I was hot and bothered last night, so it might have fallen on the floor by the bed, but I can’t see it. I also went into the other room this morning but it’s not there either.
Things go missing sometimes, and generally that’s not a problem. I sometimes think there are borrowers in the house ( like the children’s book, with characters called Arrietty and Pod?). But at the moment I just want my book back. It’s out of place, out of possession and position. It’s bugging me. So I’m writing this as another distraction. Mysterious and also frustrating. I guess I will have to give up and go to sleep….
What’s the matter now?
What’s the matter now? Became a response when my hubby couldn’t hear me properly. He was always having problems with his hearing aids. They made his ears sore. Or if he got his hair trapped they would whistle.
What’s the matter now? Was almost a catchphrase. I dreaded it, it meant he was irritated by me, or something was getting on his nerves.
Decades of living with someone, and you don’t know what will happen. Can you know someone well enough to be able to solve all their problems? Not in a normal life. It’s not all romance, it’s trying to give and take, accept difficulties. Putting doubts out of your mind. The marriage service has it right. The balance between sickness and health. Riches and poverty. Somehow you rub along.
I will be guilty for a long time for feeling I should have done more. To make everything OK? Not a chance, but I can wish. For now I will try and remember the ‘what’s the matter now?’ moments and try to accept that was part of our life too. If there is something after life I hope he forgives me. I don’t know what else to ask for of him. Processing grief is horrible but it has to be done.
I wish this was my only problem now
Digital drawing from three years ago.
Happy Christmas to you all.
I’ll try not to feel sad in the festive season.
Life must go on. I guess.
Sending virtual hugs out to anyone that needs them. I will think my way out of this. X
I hope they think I’m kind
Tell us one thing you hope people say about you.
It says it all “# be kind”.
Why not? Why be horrible, unkind, cruel? To make life better for yourself by harming others? Too many dictators and politicians seem to think this way. Often they say populist things to the public, while making decisions that often go against their rhetoric. Looking to increase their power. Then again a lot CEOs pay themselves massive amounts above the lowest paid workers. 80 men earn more put together than half the world’s population, that’s about 4,000,000,000 (4 billion) people!
Kindness can be financial, or verbal, it might just be a gentle hug. It might be not enforcing unfair rules and laws that would be detrimental to different races, faiths, or sexualities. Often conflict is about us and them. Being unkind or treating people as ‘other’ or not ‘one of us’ is not what I support.
Basically it simply comes down to thinking about people, thinking what they need, and trying to help if you can, even if it’s only a few kind words. Be considerate, be kind.
Paperwork
Paperwork
Lots of paperwork
Things to do,
Things to sign
People to inform
Life isn’t just simple
What to cancel
What to keep
Bereavement
You can keep it!
Guilt
If only? What if? I’m feeling so guilty. Why didn’t I spot there was a problem earlier? All those months of things that were not quite right, we should have gone to the doctors. I should have insisted. Have I neglected you? When I argued with you to go it was only towards the end? Should I blame myself, I can’t blame you.
Was it bad communication? Fear? Not wanting to see what might be wrong? I don’t know, I just feel bad. I need a little rant to try and clear my head. I can’t stop time, or make it go back, I wish I could, what twists or turns would I reverse to have you back? No pact with a deity can change things now. Forever.
Medicine
What is something others do that sparks your admiration?
After my recent dealings with the NHS I have to share my admiration of the doctors, nurses and anciliary staff that work for it.
Many staff cared for my hubby, and he told me they were wonderfully caring, I can only echo this feeling.
I cannot say that all staff are the same, but the ones I met were so very helpful, I only wish we had sought medical advice earlier. But the illness he had was one that is difficult to detect and can be hard to treat.
The amount of knowledge and skills that they require is immense, having had some medical training myself I’m massively admiring of what they do. I only hope the NHS doesn’t fall apart under all the stresses and strains thrown at it by the pandemic, cost of living crisis, and cuts in funding including privatisation that robs it of some of its most important workers and skills.
Letter to myself
Dear Me
It’s been a horrible few days. I’m worried and scared, but I must try and cope. Remember to breathe, don’t hide away. Memories of other situations make me want to do this.
I remember my mom when my dad died, she sat on the settee in the darkness for three days, in the end I wrote her a letter and asked her to look after us, her children. I think that finally got through to her. She seemed to respond.
Writing this is just a way of talking to myself, but to share with others, maybe it is something to think about for other people?
Bust computer?
Having fun.
Not
My computer isn’t working
Because I switched it off
Weeks ago
When I hurt my leg
Great!
I didn’t come back upstairs
For months
Now it needs reconfiguring
Go figure
Error
Fig error…
