By my side
Part of me
Has ripped away
Torn my heart
In half
Lub dub, Lub dub
It’s still pumping
Just.
You should be here
Tag: Sadness
What’s the matter now?
What’s the matter now? Became a response when my hubby couldn’t hear me properly. He was always having problems with his hearing aids. They made his ears sore. Or if he got his hair trapped they would whistle.
What’s the matter now? Was almost a catchphrase. I dreaded it, it meant he was irritated by me, or something was getting on his nerves.
Decades of living with someone, and you don’t know what will happen. Can you know someone well enough to be able to solve all their problems? Not in a normal life. It’s not all romance, it’s trying to give and take, accept difficulties. Putting doubts out of your mind. The marriage service has it right. The balance between sickness and health. Riches and poverty. Somehow you rub along.
I will be guilty for a long time for feeling I should have done more. To make everything OK? Not a chance, but I can wish. For now I will try and remember the ‘what’s the matter now?’ moments and try to accept that was part of our life too. If there is something after life I hope he forgives me. I don’t know what else to ask for of him. Processing grief is horrible but it has to be done.
No presents
No presents hanging in stockings
No orange in the toe of the sock
There’s no chocolate or dolls
No perfume, or jigsaw puzzle
Sympathy cards replace Christmas ones.
The poinsettia is still in the shop
Your present has gone to a friend
We won’t open one each before breakfast
Old traditions wrung out
New ones yet to start.
Meanwhile I wait for snow or reindeer
Or Christian meditation and carols.
Who knows what happens next.
Shrodingers Cat has more idea
Of the future than I do.
Fun with documents (not)
Someone needs my original document to process a claim. I don’t want to send it as it could get lost in the post. Oh send a certified copy they said. Where do I do that? Solicitors or a doctors? I’m fed up. I’m sick of dealing with paperwork. All I’ve done today is cleaned a windowledge of dead plants that I have neglected recently. It’s all I can think of doing today.
Easier not to talk?
Not talking today, it’s just easier not to.
I could ring friends but why bother
They can’t change things
Having time to rest
Think about life
The future
Then I watched Its a wonderful life
With James Stewart
And I cried
And cried.
That feels better.
There is hope.
Knock on
Don’t be afraid
Knock on my door
I’m here inside
Just waiting to say
Be my friend still
A hug or a hand
Would serve me well
Don’t go away
Leaving a card
But nothing to say?
I need you to stay
Keep me company
I need you today.
Councelling
What positive events have taken place in your life over the past year?
Those who read this blog will know that for more than a year I’ve been facing problems. Not as severe as in other parts of the world, but personal ones.
I was lucky to get some counselling and then earlier this year cognitive behavioural therapy. I would encourage anyone who is struggling to go for either of them. I can’t explain, but I feel more in control of the situation than I think I would have done without them. Talking therapy does work.
Now I’m going through more problems, and looking back, well I can see some clues of how I can cope. It won’t be easy.
Sympathy cards appear through the door. I am thankful for them too. I wish people would knock on the door though, so I can say thank you. I think people are afraid of hurting me. I would say when you are in grief every hug counts.
Bad news
My hubby is ill. If I’m not around much it’s because I’m sorting things out. I wasn’t going to say anything, but I just thought I should let people know.
At present I don’t know much. But I want to say how much I am grateful to the NHS. After ringing their helpline we were advised to go to Accident and Emergency. My hubby was triaged within half an hour. He was taken to a very busy set of cubicles. Blood was taken and he was given painkillers and seen by a doctor. I left after three hours because he was booked for a CT scan.
I saw him today on the ward. The nurses were so kind and supportive. I don’t know the prognosis but I’m hoping to get the information tomorrow. I’m very worried, but life is what it is. But I want to salute the NHS. Thank you.
Silence
If I’m not about
I’ve not gone
I’m here in your heart
My silence is a quiet breath
A silent prayer
Just know
I’m still there
With you.
Camera view
Leaves falling sets the camera off, cats walking past, our reflections in the window. But I don’t care. We can check if someone’s out there. I’m fed up of feeling like a security guard. If I had a camera when our sheds were broken into we might have put them off, or they might have been caught. Now I can check my phone when I get an alert. Just got to figure it out!
Mallaband-Brown 