New paintings and regular art updates.
Life falls like leaves
A tree denuded
War and Terror
Pace the lands
Look left or right
East or West
People suffer.
There is no safety
Bombs and Mines.
The World needs Peace
Where a shepherds flock
Can be led beside still waters.
Transforming hate into love.
I haven’t sent Christmas cards this year. Circumstances have been really bad and I haven’t given it much thought. This was on my Facebook memories today. So sending love and hugs. X
By my side
Part of me
Has ripped away
Torn my heart
In half
Lub dub, Lub dub
It’s still pumping
Just.
What’s the matter now? Became a response when my hubby couldn’t hear me properly. He was always having problems with his hearing aids. They made his ears sore. Or if he got his hair trapped they would whistle.
What’s the matter now? Was almost a catchphrase. I dreaded it, it meant he was irritated by me, or something was getting on his nerves.
Decades of living with someone, and you don’t know what will happen. Can you know someone well enough to be able to solve all their problems? Not in a normal life. It’s not all romance, it’s trying to give and take, accept difficulties. Putting doubts out of your mind. The marriage service has it right. The balance between sickness and health. Riches and poverty. Somehow you rub along.
I will be guilty for a long time for feeling I should have done more. To make everything OK? Not a chance, but I can wish. For now I will try and remember the ‘what’s the matter now?’ moments and try to accept that was part of our life too. If there is something after life I hope he forgives me. I don’t know what else to ask for of him. Processing grief is horrible but it has to be done.
Digital drawing from three years ago.
Happy Christmas to you all.
I’ll try not to feel sad in the festive season.
Life must go on. I guess.
Sending virtual hugs out to anyone that needs them. I will think my way out of this. X
They give you flowers
To salve your loss
To show they care.
I feel so grateful
To be remembered
But the need of a vase
Can be a problem.
I found one at last.
Flowers setted
Rejoyce in their beauty
I just woke up from a dream. I was in the street and I heard footsteps clattering up behind me. I turned and it was my hubby. Hair blowing behind him, his jacket flapping. He said a couple of words, something like ‘I’m here’? But then I woke up.
It’s not much of a story, but it was comforting. The thought that he is around somewhere, even if its just in my imagination made me feel better.
Paperwork
Lots of paperwork
Things to do,
Things to sign
People to inform
Life isn’t just simple
What to cancel
What to keep
Bereavement
You can keep it!
If only? What if? I’m feeling so guilty. Why didn’t I spot there was a problem earlier? All those months of things that were not quite right, we should have gone to the doctors. I should have insisted. Have I neglected you? When I argued with you to go it was only towards the end? Should I blame myself, I can’t blame you.
Was it bad communication? Fear? Not wanting to see what might be wrong? I don’t know, I just feel bad. I need a little rant to try and clear my head. I can’t stop time, or make it go back, I wish I could, what twists or turns would I reverse to have you back? No pact with a deity can change things now. Forever.
What is something others do that sparks your admiration?
After my recent dealings with the NHS I have to share my admiration of the doctors, nurses and anciliary staff that work for it.
Many staff cared for my hubby, and he told me they were wonderfully caring, I can only echo this feeling.
I cannot say that all staff are the same, but the ones I met were so very helpful, I only wish we had sought medical advice earlier. But the illness he had was one that is difficult to detect and can be hard to treat.
The amount of knowledge and skills that they require is immense, having had some medical training myself I’m massively admiring of what they do. I only hope the NHS doesn’t fall apart under all the stresses and strains thrown at it by the pandemic, cost of living crisis, and cuts in funding including privatisation that robs it of some of its most important workers and skills.
Mallaband-Brown