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Cold like a mountain top
The wind flows past the house
And sucks the warmth out
Through it’s drab walls.
I want to be hugged
Back into humanity
Blood running cold
Pulsing again.
I need to shelter
Enveloped in soft blankets
And sleep till spring….
I’m stuck
Like glue to a wall
Post it notes
With no writing on
No pathway out
Prevarication
It describes me
Now
Lost and flapping
Like a bird in a hurricane.
Twisting and turning
Lost in a maelstrom
I don’t know what to do
Where to go
What to say
So I stay
Quiet
Remote
Lost
Being on my own today I only have to cook for myself so when I finally go to bed I don’t need to worry about it. I’m doomscrolling on my phone because it’s cold in the bedroom but I can’t stand a hot bedroom. The cats are huddled around the oil filled radiator. I’ll try and find mushy old films and finish making my trifle with port not sherry. Oh and I’ve got a bit of salmon in for the cats x
She came up on the bed, but as soon as I lay down she was gone! Came back later to poddle (air biscuit?). I do love my cats, good company until they try and trip me up! Another quiet, quite lonely day. But I’m used to solitude now. I don’t know how I’d cope with anyone moving in.
I saw my painting of you
And cried
I look at photos
And weep
43 years together
Now lost
How can I say goodbye
When our hearts are still entwined
Wrapped up together
Through sun and rain
Long memories
Still holding hands
In my mind.
I look at the bedroom window and see my hubbys cask of ashes there. I tell him it’s a sunny day and I wish he was here. It’s been a while since I’ve felt this low, and I’ve spent most of the day in silence. I spoke to a neighbour and had a brief chat, but that was like a tiny sticking plaster trying to cover over a deep gash in my flesh. It was never going to hold for long.
I’m sitting quietly, the TV is on. I just watched a show where a nurse recently lost her husband in an accident and the tears started filling me up. Like an ocean overtopping flood defences. Now I feel tired out and just overwhelmed with sadness. I need to get out, but I won’t ask anyone. I need to talk but I’m struck dumb, I need to feel better but I feel so low. I’m saying these things here to get them off my shoulders and mind. Things have got to improve, they must.
Do you need a break? From what?
Take a break…. Lunch? No
What then?
Less stress, more rest….
But things keep going on
Coming at me
Bashing my mind
Thumping. My. Body
Some of it my own fault
But lost without my soulmate.
Tired and alone
Just want to stop the world
And get off
Leave the trolls behind
Hibernate, hide from. Life.
Not giving up
Just relaxing.
The front door remained closed
The curtains the same.
No reason to go out,
No wish to speak
Warm enough to sleep
Quiet enough to rest
My heart misses a beat
When a figure passes the door.
Watching TV a while
Reading a book to make me smile
Why bother to move
Just have a coffee, a sandwich
And snooze.
Contemplation or hiding?
You choose.
Somewhere between here and there.
You’ve gone.
Lost in the space between dreams.
Departed, like the ghost of Christmas present.
Full of fun and grumpy too.
Never a dull moment with you.
Life will be so lonely.
Do you know how many hearts you have touched?
If I could hold your hand one more time.
Kiss your lips, say goodbye.
My one and only man.
My green man…..
Staring into space
Staring over the sea
A lone figure, that is me.
I want silence,
or quiet waves lapping
A gentle breeze.
Not lonely, just bored.
Every Sunday was boring
In my youth
Shops shut
Nothing to see or do!
Now I feel the same
No-one is to blame!
But I’m bored,
So bored…
Bored
Mallaband-Brown