New paintings and regular art updates.
If I wait a day or two
My tears will flow
Again
Two times around the sun.
Millions of miles away from me.
Energy evaporated
Thoughts dissipated
My memory is all
That holds you
A ghostly shape
3d nothingness
Grasping for you
In my sleep.
Such a robust person,
Lost and gone.
No more conversations…
Gone.
Gon
Go
G
….
The sky,
Thinking of the innocents that have gone to their deaths through war and genocide. But not just that, also plague and starvation. Cutting funding to medical programs is not helping, and using misinformation is particularly cruel.
What is there that we can do? How do we not weep constantly because of those losses? It’s overwhelming. From the past and into the future, there is no enlightenment. Very little truth and reconciliation. A few places have succeeded, Northern Ireland and South Africa spring to mind.
Maybe we should look at what worked or went well in those situations
Now Gaza and Ukraine, Yemen and Sudan are experiencing the horrors of man’s inhumanity to man. And it really does seem to be a male thing. But maybe I’m wrong.
There should maybe be a class in schools. Respect for humanity. I remember an experiment I heard about. A class of children were split in two. Half were given scarves and told they were better than their counterparts. For the day or the week they were allowed to lord it over the other half. But during the next week the other children got the scarves. Suddenly they had the upper hand. Both groups got to experience the indignities and descrimination of the underdogs. It apparently was a great success in improving how children behaved. Insight is so important.
I think a lot about life and death these days. If I don’t hear from people I worry about them. This morning my cat was so fast asleep he was barely breathing. I didn’t want to disturb him, but he is getting old so I gently blew on his ear. It twitched and I was overjoyed. He was fine and woke a few minutes later.
My sister says she might come and live with me if my health gets worse. But somehow I want to reject that. I’m not ready for a last chapter of my book. There has been too much loss lately. I just want that to stop. To enjoy life for a change. Slough off my sorrows and come back fighting. I can’t keep my sadness and worry going, it’s too exhausting. I know I need to “memento mori”, a Latin phrase, which translates to “remember that you must die” in English. It’s a reminder of mortality and the fleeting nature of life. The phrase can be used for a work of art. I think that was what my little painting was about.
‘I still keep seeing hearts, and it makes me feel like smiling when I do’, she said.
It was over a year since he’d gone, she realised, and things had been hard. They hadn’t discussed anything, it was so unexpected.
About a week after he had died she found a pink, heart shaped petal on her pillow, she had left the window open for some fresh air and it had just appeared, probably on a gust of wind.
She spoke to her sister again. ‘it seems to happen about once a week, I will spot a heart shape somewhere. Daft things like a bubble in the bread was a little heart, heart shaped crisps, presents with them as decorations, stones on the beach, it just keeps happening’.
She remembered the heart shaped cloud that had floated over the house for an hour, just above his shed. Above where he had worked on his bikes and train sets. She knew he was still with her, keeping an eye on her. Maybe one day they would be back together.
What major historical events do you remember?
The Aberfan disaster was the catastrophic collapse of a colliery spoil tip on 21 October 1966. The tip had been created on a mountain slope above the Welsh village of Aberfan, near Merthyr Tydfil, and overlaid a natural spring. (Wikipedia)
I was very young and I remember coming downstairs and hearing the evening news on the television. What upset me the most was that the children that died were my age. It scared and upset me. School children were buried below the collapsed spoil heap. I was very frightening.
What were your parents doing at your age?
Having a parent die early is awful, but a lot of people have this experience with either one or both of their parents.
In my case it was one, and the other was still working to support themselves at my age now. Income can drop drastically when you lose someone. My siblings and I did part time jobs to help support the family. My parent worked in two jobs to care for us. We mostly managed, and had to learn to be strong in the face of adversity. Sometimes we got help, but mostly we coped. Using a coat as an extra bedspread was a normal experience, and cold food more often than not saved money.
No one wants to lose a parent, or parents, and I’d give anything to speak to both of them now as the remaining parent passed away at a relatively young age too. It worries me because I don’t think we are a long lived family, but I want to be around for a good few years more.
How do significant life events or the passage of time influence your perspective on life?
When someone close dies you realise how fragile life is. They can be there one day and gone the next. You then realise the same can be the situation for yourself.
I’m changing my perspective on life, I am not so blasé about it. It’s become precious to me and I want to hold on to it with both hands. I’m not exactly scared of dying, but life is far too interesting to give up on it yet. I’m a very stubborn person and I love a lot of people. They have helped me immensely in the last few months and I owe a lot to them.
I also want to try and enjoy art again. There must be something more I can do. There are lots of ideas in my mind that I would like to get out. I can’t control everything, and sometimes I am very anxious about things, I feel like I am a bit of a recluse now. Easier to hide. But I need to challenge myself and live.
Can you share a positive example of where you’ve felt loved?
I have felt nothing but positive support since my hubby died. I just want to say how much I love everyone who has helped me. I want to thank them all for that support that has been and still is getting me through things.
There is so much they have done, checking up on me,making me realise I’m not alone. I have been there when I was ill, given me time when I was sad and miserable. Things will never be the same, but I realise how much my friends mean to me and meant to my hubby.
Thank you all.
Each morning I look for you
Remember cycling behind you
Along roads we knew
I listen for your key in the door
Your footstep on the stair
The sound of your voice
“come to bed – it’s late!”
The times I didn’t hear you
Switched off and ignored you.
I feel guilty for losing you
Not taking care of you….
A phone call to say you’re Ok
I’ll see you today?
Coming back,
Not gone forever
The mirror is broken
Lost forever
And I’m alone.
What is your mission?
When something happens to a relative or partner no one explains what you need to do. If you’ve never done it before it can be daunting and if you don’t know what services are out there where do you start?
Children might learn civics at school but adults can’t attend bereavement classes as far as I’m aware. Maybe that should be my mission, to set up a group to help. But at the moment I’m not up to doing that. However I have found out a few things that might help if you live in the UK.
Firstly you need to register the death if that is your responsibility. In England there are local registrars of births, deaths and marriages. You need to make an appointment to do this. They will issue original death certificates. Also contact funeral directors to decide what sort of funeral you want (and can afford).
Once you have the death certificates you will be able to nominate your funeral director to release the body. They will then make arrangements for the funeral. There are now direct or simple cremations that are basic and if you are left in financial difficulty they might be the most suitable. I felt guilty but had discussed this with my partner because we knew he was very ill.
Find out from the department of work and pensions if you are entitled to a funeral or bereavement allowance. The funeral allowance depends on whether you are on an income based allowance. The bereavement payment does not, and gives a small lump sum plus a monthly payment for 18 months.
Find out if you are a beneficiary for your partners private pension if they have one. If you have both written wills make sure you have nominated each other for this. I had to send the death certificate and will plus other information off to the company. Make sure you know each other’s national insurance numbers so that you can quote it if required. Ideally you would also know the policy number (keep paperwork! Don’t throw it away, you never know what you need).
Think about contacting an advice line or charity for financial support, it may be that they can put you in touch with fuel suppliers, water suppliers, and other companies. If your income is suddenly reduced you need to know how you can pay bills. There are charities and trusts out there that might be able to help with grants.
Contact solicitors to discuss rewriting your will if your partner has passed away. This may also require changing the executors of a will and also what to do if you need to go to probate (not something that I have dealt with yet).
Advise other companies like banks, phone suppliers and other groups to transfer their account into your name if you are the sole beneficiary or if these need to go to probate to determine the best way to share out any estate.
By now my head was buzzing. Every time I think I’ve done everything something else comes up. Above all don’t think you can do everything at once. Give yourself time to grieve and take care of yourself.
There’s more to do, you learn as you go on.
Mallaband-Brown