I need to paint. I’ve had a break, partly self enforced because I was busy and tired and lost my way in doing other things like blogging, plus it’s been winter and it’s too cold and dark. I was doing lots of things as hobbies too. But I’m nervous of spending too much of dwindling resources. I’m scared of putting a toe back into the world of work. I want to be helping people as well as painting.
The cliff edge is looming and I want to take a step back. Writing here is allowing me to explore ideas and thoughts that I have never been able to do before. It’s all very gentle and kind and I’m afraid I’ve found a cosy space that allows my dreams, but perhaps I have to let go and try harder in the real world. I’m saying I’m an experimenting artist so I need to do that….. Give art a chance.
Sometimes my creative juices freeze
then like a bird I flit and flitter
from one path to another
sit and shiver.
Like a lonely lark.
Sometimes they thaw
but not enough
so the thought is there
but cannot reach from my brain
through my heart
to my hands.. ..
In other times my mind is woken,
shapes fly from my fingers
hot sharp ideas stagger me with their invention.
Later, all is quiet again.
The mood has stormed its way through me.
Calm descends and I am lost in fog again.
I have the canvas, but I don’t have the inclination to paint. I could use the excuse that its been too hot (it has) or that I’ve got into watching daytime tv (I have, specifically cagney and lacey) or I’m mooching about too much on social media, like Instagram and Facebook and here (I am)….
But if I explore a bit deeper, pick the scab off the wound so to speak, its more from fear. Fear of rejection, fear that I’m doing this for nothing, fear that it won’t be good enough. Leaving work seems to have made me shy, to all my friends that know me that may sound strange. But I think it’s my default setting. It’s easier to sit at home than involve myself.
I need to fight the tendency to relax. I’ve always been a bit reticent about getting out and about, there is always that book I haven’t read, or the radio play that’s just starting. Or distractions such as doing the washing up or cooking food. Now I’ve got a new kitchen I’m doing more housework for goodness sake. I’ve swapped my paintbrush for a broom!
So, I’ve got to redouble my efforts to be an artist. Try and work round these moods. Be more positive, follow up leads. Or I will just end up sitting in my armchair and vegetating!