Tag: Life

Sleep

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The Sun sets earlier every day now, by 9pm it is dark, the summer sun falls below the horizon, dropping down and bringing shadows.

My head nods with weariness, barely able to keep my eyes open. I long for sleep, ready to rest my weary limbs beneath cool sheets, but sleep sneaks away sometimes, I’m hazy with it one minute then alert and awake the next jerking back into the world with a jump, taken out of sleep by a noise or a pain.

So yes, I do need sleep, but it tends to grab hold of me in the daytime. When I’m not expecting it I fall asleep. Listening to the radio or watching tv. In a meeting. Thankfully never when I am driving. But I could almost fall asleep in a queue in a shop, tonight I was nodding at choir practice… but now at well after midnight, nothing,  no sleep.

Sleep is the soft rest that gently rocks your body into dreams,

Sleep is the midnight air coursing through your veins,

Sleep is looking at your partner as he slumbers,

Sleep hides ills and heals woes,

Sleep shapes wakefulness, giving rest to the weary.

I want sleep in my eyes, sleep in my mind.

I want to be drousy, dreaming of soft down pillows.

I need rest, from fears, from worries.

Give me sleep, now.

Blah blah blah

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My head is spinning, I can’t think. Why? Because he keeps talking, on and on and onandonandonand……argh!

He keeps listing things, this and that and the other. ..more and more. Muttering, talking under his breath. It’s not a duolog, it’s a monolog. The pretence of listening  trying to turn a blind ear to it. Please shut up! I scream over and over in my head, my aching ears, every tv programme is spoken over , every speech or argument is submerged by the verbal spewing of the same things, same ideas ad nauseam.

I try not to say anything. I did not want to start an argument. I’m polite, patient, trying to be caring. It makes my mind bend, trying to placate whilst trying to hear my own thoughts.  Misery is close to love, partnered with it, shackled till bedtime brings blessed quiet.

Tinnitus waits when silence decends, whistling, high pitched, fracturing my mind even more, sometimes I switch on the radio, quiet words, only just audible either sooth, or I catch their meaning, and listen into sleep, leaning my thoughts into their soft pillow.

I know in the morning I will start again. I try and stay in the haven of quiet peace in the dawning of day’s, lingering in bed, hiding my thoughts under the duvet. Sometimes I want to escape, to talk to someone who will listen to Me, let Me be, let me be, let me be, my brain stumbles….

Selective hearing is treacherous, what did he say? What meaning did he put in that phrase?  My off switch is too strong now. Like listening to a weather forecast that I never fully hear, only noticing a storm is coming at the end, but not hearing where…

Got to sleep, but the talking mutter is still going on….. no rest for the wicked……

No freedom, till death do we, in sickness, for poorer….where did the positives go? Where is there solace. Why do we change. Why does despair outlast joy?

But there is some joy, as a bird starts to sing into the dawn, as rays of light shine through the window and warm me, I know that I will carry on, calm down, face the future. Buy some ear plugs!

Canal boats and old lorries.

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Etruria is hosting varied events this weekend. There are plenty of wonderfully painted and restored canal boats and barges, and there were also some old and interesting lorries at the site which had hauled static steam engines to Etruria.

I’ve often wondered what it was like to live on a working barge and we recently had the opportunity to see the interior of an old boat that hauled coal, the cabin for a family was only about 6 or 7 foot by 5 ft. There were various adaptations, like having a table that dropped down and boards to put across to make up a bed. But the life was hard and must have been very difficult and dangerous at times.

One man I was chatting to had lived by the canal in the second world war. He said a bomb was dropped on the canal by aircraft trying to hit the local steelworks. It took the roof off  a covered lock and blew down an old wall next to the canal. He also said that there is a lot of subsidence in the area and the land had sunk so much they had to build a new lock. They had dredged the canal then filled in the base. He had helped bring down new lock gates from the countryside down the cauldon canal. But when they got to Etruria the canal was too shallow as they had added too much clay lining to it. With the weight of the lock gate the boat grounded on the bottom and they were stuck on the barge until someone came along with a board to help them get off the boat.

There is so much history that we know so little of in this area.

Tomorrow , well actually later today, there is a classic car show at Etruria. Should be good.

Dereliction

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What does the word dereliction make you think of? Is it your physical surroundings? The derelict state the world seems to be in, or even the people about you?

Living in a town where there seem to be more homeless people than ever makes me feel like the whole of the town is guilty of a dereliction of duty to them. Why would a civilised society allow that to happen? I talk to the people sitting there out in all weather. I sometimes give them some change or the number of the homelessness teams rough sleepers telephone number. My partner saw the people around me looking on I disgust yesterday When I gave money to a homeless man.

When you see someone who has sores on his legs and apparently a broken ankle you have to think how? Why? How have we come to this. He could not get into a doctor because he has no address! I wish I had taken him to the hospital …I dont know why I didn’t. I’m scared society is being allowed to break. Our former leader Margaret Thatcher once said “there is no such thing as society “.

Sadly  I’m beginning to think she was right…shame on us all for allowing such dereliction of humanity.

Recent minatures

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If you wonder where I have been, I have been painting these tiny miniature paintings on canvases around the size of a matchbox.

I’m quite enjoying doing them. I would like to present them in small gift boxes but I don’t know where I can get some from.

People don’t seem to have room for art, so the idea is they might buy one of these to put somewhere special… you never know…

I haven’t done much this month but at least I have got going again over the last few days. I’m putting an Exhibition up later today which will be up on Saturday and Sunday at Etruria.

Details are that the Etruria Industrial museum is holding a static steam engine day on Saturday and a classic car day on Sunday.

Might see you there…..

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Yellow bowl

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This is a quick, half hour painting, of a yellow bowl I have. This is a little acrylic on canvas, from my memory. I’ve had this bowl for years. I just wanted to paint something simple after all the work I did on the previous painting. I may work on the shadows. I want to try and he the elipse of the bowl top right, but its after midnight now and I haven’t been very well so I think I will give myself a rest.

I’m glad I tried painting in these lovely primary colours. They pretty much are an accurate representation of the bowl.

Orchid

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Orchid I see you flying,                                                                         Up through Sun and space                                                                     growing tall and twisting,                                                                     bricks and tiles supporting. ..

I don’t know why I like making these pictures from ordinary photos. I feel like they are alien views of life. If you had faceted eyes you may see things like this. In fact human and animal eyes project an image upside down on your retina. The brain has to turn it the right way up. The same thing happens with a telescope, the image you look at is upside down, but how many people look through a telescope?

The orchid is new, its in our kitchen, but the cat knocked it off the cupboard and although I have put it back in its container its looking a bit poorly. I think its too cold.. I’ve got some new orchid medium so I’m going to re pot it.

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What day would I go back to?

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All the days in our lives,

Stretch out at first, then shrink,

Behind us, gone.

No rewind button for life,

No voicemail recording our every word.

Gone, long ago,  barely remembered. ..

What day would I go back to?

To hear parents voices again, and tell them

How much I loved them?

Or the first day at school, tell myself not to be so shy?

Trying to make perfume from rose petals as a child

Or older, wiser, learning to drive.

Time travel is a one way street, into the future.

If I could go back I would be pleased to meet you again.

Maybe visit a few less railways,

And see the sea a few more times.

Go back to holidays in Devon.

If I could go back I would say,

Don’t take that awful job,

Stay safe and well.

Don’t waste your life for a pay packet,

Let’s live and love.

 

Sticks and string

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We went to Archery today and I had a go with a longbow for the first time.

I didn’t take any photos  (I wasn’t that good ) but it felt completely different to the bows we have been using .

Let me explain. We have been using recurve bows. They have a central riser with a cut out in one side so that the arrow flies straight. Then you have two limbs that attach top and bottom which curve back away from the riser. You have to use a stringer to pull the limbs back so you can attach the string. The bows are made of metal and carbon fiber, the arrows are metal or carbon fibre.

I have been using junior bows with either 14 or 16 pounds of pressure on them, that means it only takes a light pressure to pull the sting back sufficiently to shoot the arrows. I’ve hit a few golds but its hard to work out your aim and I have been using sites to try and aim.

So today one if the other archery members had brought along his longbow “a couple I sticks and a string” and that’s basically what it is. No sights, a rubber band round the shaft of the bow if you want to help you aim. The bow is one long peice of wood, usually English Yew which is naturally laminated and springy. No “window” or bend in the wood, so your arrows have to go round the bow,  you have to aim off to get them on target. You also have to make sure that the arrow is the right way round, with the cock feather towards you so the other two don’t catch on the bow. The arrows are wooden with metal tips, and feathers cut down to shape for flights. You have to wear a glove so the arrow which rests on the top of your hand does not leave splinters in you as the arrow is shot. The other change was that the bow was 35 pounds of pressure, more than twice what I have been pulling! It was hard work, my shots were all around the target and I didn’t hit a gold no matter how I tried. I couldn’t hit the middle of the boss  (target). But I really took to it and want to have another try.