New paintings and regular art updates.
My old cat seems to be a bit better, he’s eating more and has gone back on to solid foods. He is more friendly and active too.
I thought his life was over, but he’s somehow stabilised. I’m hoping he keeps going, as long as he’s not in pain. The anxiety has settled a bit in me too. I don’t worry about going out as much now. I can’t explain the relief I feel. And he’s getting lots of love. He’s lying on the mat near the heater at the moment. Paws tucked under. Typical loaf position.
My writing group put on a show this afternoon. All of us got together to read out spooky stories we had written. They were not specifically done for the show, but after writing for ten months we all had something to contribute.
We got organised and even had tee shirts made up with our logo on. Everyone read out one or two stories in a local pub. They were pleased to have us and asked if we would go back at Christmas!
I was very nervous. My heart was racing and I struggled to just turn the page. But thankfully my stories were very short so I got off the stage area quite quickly. I think blogging here has made it easier. Being in the group has really helped.
I’m better off than the majority of the people in the world. I have food and water and shelter and reasonable health. I don’t live in a war zone. But I’m worried about the world, so much horror and anxiety. Will things ever get better or must we all be stuck in a morass of hate filled argument and anger? Something might give, but all I can see is more of the same. I am not generally a pessimist and it may be my feelings are simply a reflection of what’s going on in my own life. However I can wish for better times, even if its unlikely to happen in the near future. I think we are in the Pandoras box situation? We still have hope.
We went out this afternoon for a shopping trip because I need new shoes. I managed to drive myself to the shopping village in Trentham. It’s been a month since I have been allowed in the car because of my eye operation. It’s only a couple of miles but it could have been fifty. I felt so anxious, but so pleased to get the skill back. Luckily I was with my sister so felt more confidence.
While I was at the village I saw this lovely passion flower. A good reminder of the day.
Today I went to sing with loud mouth women at Congleton in Cheshire. It’s the furthest I’ve traveled in a year and I had to get a lift from another choir member as I’m not allowed to drive yet and I won’t drive that far anyway.
The photo doesn’t really show it but it’s quite a steep slope at Congleton Physic garden. The performance area was down a grassy slope and over uneven crazy paving type stones. That made me pretty nervous and I had to hang onto an arm to get down there even with my walking stick.
I’d borrowed a collapsible stool so I could sit down when I needed. But I managed to stand up during our performance. We sang a mixture of Croatian, French and medieval songs together with a few more modern songs. There were not many of us so we moved around, some people sang high and then low parts, I sang low and middle. This was strangely our first performance of the year so it was a little anxiety making. But we managed with just a couple of mistakes.
I’m home now and only just feeling a bit less tired. Sitting in a strange car, out of my control made me very tense, but I’m glad I went and I’m glad I sang.
Rather than writing a long post about this I’m just sharing this. I do think a lot about the disease and perhaps need to try and overcome my fears. X
Something was happening. The whirring sound of a helicopter grew closer, then it was overhead, I was inside my house and didn’t know exactly where it was but it was very loud! Then three police cars, sirens blaring, drove up the street.
I decided not to go out and look, as I didn’t know if it was some sort of car chase and my front door opens directly onto the pavement and street. I’d just watched the news about speeding cars and I didn’t want to see a crash.
The Helicopter was circling overhead, but with a phone flat battery I couldn’t take a photo (usually helicopters here are transporting supplies or patients to the local hospital). The helicopter got very close and very loud which was a bit frightening. More police cars shot up the hill, what was going on? After about a quarter of an hour things calmed down. I used the excuse of going out to pick up my milk off the garden gate at the side of the house to see what was happening. What I saw about 50 to 100 yards up the hill were some police cars, blue lights flashing, on the street and more inside the yard of the local pottery factory. Something has clearly happened there. I guess I will have to wait for this afternoons or evenings news.
Somehow I’ve learnt to relax, I’m getting better at letting my muscles loosen and feeling so tense.
I was talking to someone and they suggested thinking of a word of at least 7 letters. Maybe omnibus? the idea then is to take each individual letter, one at a time, and think of several words starting with that letter. For instance:
Oval
Occipital
Organic
Oscillating
Overall
Then the next letter…
Mobile
Manic
Masters
Malleable
And so on. Because you are thinking of different words it takes your mind off anything else, mostly be the time I get to the third letter I’ve got to sleep. Think of a new word each time, it seems to work.
When Covid happened I got used to living in my bubble with my hubby and my cats. I never really came out of that isolation. We were both travelling less and as we both started to suffer with various ailments we often didn’t feel like visiting people or travelling far. I saw friends, but not very often.
Then when I lost my hubby last December, and I had various health issues I virtually stopped going anywhere except to the shops, appointments or the choirs I am in. My one day away this year was a coach trip with a group I am in to the Welsh coast to visit a relative. I was there for 5 or 6 hours then caught the coach home. I’ve found I cannot drive there on my own. I was too used to having my hubby with me as a passenger and I didn’t realise how much I relied on him as a support (and I was supporting him). Nerves and anxiety and illness seem to stop me.
Now I don’t like to bother people, so I try not to ask for help. I stay inside as much as I can, curtains closed, door locked, just occasionally going to the shops when I have run out of most things. I find big supermarkets overwhelming and go round them in the evenings when they are quiet. I know I need to break out, I’m to comfortable with the isolation, but I’m sure it’s not good for me. Plus I miss appointments because of anxiety. I need to pull myself together.. But my curtains remain closed!
I forgot to talk about being in an art group because I was interested in what I had painted. I know that talking to people helps my mood, it’s just going that’s the problem….
I knew I needed to get some sleep but after going to bed relatively early I was awake from 4 in the morning until 9am. Then I fell asleep again so I was late getting to the group.
I am glad I went. It was a good session. I managed to work on my green woman painting. I noticed how helpful people are making suggestions and supporting each other. Sometimes I just keep my head down and just concentrate on what I’m doing. But listening today made me feel less anxious. X
Mallaband-Brown