I need to have time to learn about aspects of my health. I’m gradually finding things out that I never knew. I need to listen to experts and scientific fact and find out how I can support myself.
My life needs organising, the last year has been horrendous. Lots of stressors and worries. Trying to sort out paperwork and filling in so many forms. I keep finding things I should have done.
Memories are fading of my soul mate. I long to hear his voice. To hear a recording of him would be good. But seeing photos can cut too deep. Maybe I need more time to come to terms with what’s happened.
Stuff? That’s the pile of stuff that’s in front of me, things that need organising, removing or storing. All that takes time, which is what I need!
In Devon 9 years ago, hubby had an idea to paddle our blow up bed with a trowel to see if he could get across the bay…. not a good idea as the wind was blowing out to sea… he has these odd ideas, which slightly worry me sometimes..
My portrait of hubby actually up on the wall at the Brampton open exhibition in Newcastle under Lyme. I’m so proud to share this with the world. It’s called mend him. I started it at my studio at Spode and finished it there after he passed away. It was my last painting at Spode.
It’s on till 22nd December 24 so a lot of people will see it. I hope they like it. The painting is covered in cracks as if he is broken and then the idea of using gold lines to hold him together like a broken japanese pot. X
Lucky to get my painting “mend him” into the Brampton open exhibition in the Brampton museum and art gallery, in Newcastle under Lyme. Staffordshire. It’s on from 14th October I think. The painting is a portrait of my hubby I started last year and finally finished a couple of months after he passed away. I miss him. This is my in memoriam tribute to him.
I had decided to enter it as “not for sale” but the gallery wanted all images to be up for sale so I put a large (very large) price on it to virtually guarantee it won’t be sold. It’s very personal to me, but I wanted people to see it.
It’s acrylic on canvas and I started it in my Studio in Spode Site, Stoke. I finished painting it there after I decided to leave due to not being able to afford the studio rent any longer. It means this is the last painting I completed there.
My phone is full of photos and every so often I optimise them because the file sizes are too big. But that always mixes the dates up, and this time many photos of my hubby showed up out of the thousands of images I have.
Cue deep greif again. My man was funny, eccentric, bombastic, able to express himself. He was emotional and sometimes irrational. But he supported me and we loved each other. He had a mad sense of humour and although he could get angry about things that was more about incidents in his life that had caused him to suffer from PTSD.
Each time I see his face I remember and I am upset again. Decades of life together has made our link so strong. I wish I could have him back, not just photos, but the reality.
My ideal week would be to go out to a studio, paint for a few hours, make good progress on a painting. Go to choir practice. Cook tea for me and my hubby. Sit and chat about our days.
My ideal week would include going for a walk with him, he might go for a cycle ride to see a friend. He goes to bed early, I stay up late to read or watch TV.
In my ideal week I would sleep well, wake refreshed. Go for a drive somewhere with my hubby. Visit a national trust property.
In my ideal week I would try and paint some more, take some photos, go on the Internet.
In my ideal week I would still have my hubby, I would still have my studio, I would still be doing art or at least more than I am now. I’m just struggling to get back to something like an ideal week.
Hubby used to ring me from work in the evenings, he worked a late shift for several years. He didn’t go out to work till the afternoon and came home after midnight. I worked a day shift, so we really only saw each other over a late night meal or at weekends. Then his firm changed the shifts, so he had to start an hour later and finish later too. They also made the workers take a day off in the week and have to work Sunday mornings too. It was awful. That telephone call was our only communication in the evening.
He hated the job and was being bullied. He went to work on a motorbike and a few times when he got home late he was so exhausted he would fall off it. He used to say that he did more work than two people. Sometimes they would take on new workers but they could not keep up with him and some would not come in the next day because they could not cope.
I was so glad when he finished there. We managed to spend few good years together before he died.
I realise now why I can cope without him in the evenings, I spent so many years waiting for him to come home, and that’s why I struggle to sleep at night, my mind expects him to return later.
My hubby was born in the year that Welsh poet Dylan Thomas died and he was always admiring of Dylans poetry. Hubby had a wonderfully strong speaking voice, and I know there are cassette tapes somewhere in the house of him reciting Dylans poetry and short stories.
When we first met he played me “the burning baby”, a macabre story by Thomas that sent shivers down my back and raised goosebumps on my arms. It was mesmerising to listen to hubby read it, and he howled at the end with gusto. I think he should have been on the radio as a performer.
I just came in from shopping and suddenly the poem “Do not go gentle” by Dylan Thomas came into my memory. I’ve looked it up and copied it. It was read out by a friend at my hubbies celebration of his life. He had always loved it and I hope he would have been pleased that it was performed.
Do not go gentle into that good night, Old age should burn and rave at close of day; Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
Though wise men at their end know dark is right, Because their words had forked no lightning they Do not go gentle into that good night.
Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay, Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight, And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way, Do not go gentle into that good night.
Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay, Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
And you, my father, there on the sad height, Curse, bless, me now with your fierce tears, I pray. Do not go gentle into that good night. Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
If you can, try and listen to a recording of Dylan Thomas reading it. X
Last year I watched the tour de France with my hubby. This year, for the first time in about 20 years I’m watching it on my own. It feels strange, no point in cheering on our favourites, no discussion about how Mark Cavendish will do. Just muttering ‘you would have loved this’ to his memory. I could switch it off, but I don’t want to. Tears will fall. I only got into cycling because of hubby. I miss him so much. He would be out cycling after this, a short ride to keep his legs going. He was over 70 and still enthusiastic. 70 isn’t old, he was young at heart. Disease not age took him from me. 😢😢